


Stepping Away

by KazzooArtoo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bang Chan is Whipped, Complete, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), M/M, Minho Ships It, Strangers to Lovers, art included, side minung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 60,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28168464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KazzooArtoo/pseuds/KazzooArtoo
Summary: Felix is never brought back onto the team after he is eliminated. Instead Stray Kids debuts as 8.“I’m not gonna leave you behind.”well...2 years later, Felix debuts in a new boy group from a new company, and he finally feels like he's made it.2 years later, Chan watches as a familiar face is brought into the spotlight, and has no way of getting to him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 136
Kudos: 355





	1. Chapter 1

Felix POV

Contrary to what the episode showed, Park Jin Young was very quick about how he went about eliminating Felix. The drawn out longing stares and the suspense of the music is not there to let you suspect the incoming dramatics. The real experience is much more awkward.   
  
“Felix...”   
  
Standing at the end of the line of members, Felix thinks back to the short interview before the meeting. He had talked about his worries of being eliminated, and the woman behind the camera had nodded kindly, pressing him to say as much as he wished on the subject. Looking back he couldn’t help but feel as though he had rambled on too much as she ushered him out of the office towards the practice room. Or that she knew something he didn’t.

Standing there and listening to JYP talk it was hard not to fidget. He glances to the side and sees Jisung with his eyes closed. Felix remembers back to when Minho was eliminated and how Han had been the first to go and hug him. 

Further down the line Chan looks at the ground, hands clasped behind his back. Felix thinks back to all the lessons they had together, how Chan had helped him focus on the vocabulary he would need the most as a trainee, and how it all meant nothing now.

He looks back at JYP and steadies his gaze, pursing his lips as his eyes start to sting.  
  
“Felix, your biggest problem right now is your korean in general”  
  
And there it is, the biggest issue among his many problems.  
  
“Yes”  
  
“You need to be able to rap your parts and deliver it fluently, in which you will need time”  
  
All the times they helped him with his pronunciation and grammer.   
  
“Yes.”  
  


“So, I’m sorry but this time you won't be able to go on”   
  
Like a band-aid, reality was revealed. The members to his right one by one drop their heads to look at the ground. Felix keeps his eyes forward as JYP continues talking, he is only half listening. 

“This could be better for your team, I hope you could understand that”

Felix nods in agreement, what else could he do. Chan nods too, and Felix feels his heart sink below his ribs as his leader continues to not look at him… As they all continue to not look at him.   
  


JYP stands up and says his last goodbyes before exiting the room. Felix thanks him, for what he doesn’t know. He finally lets his head drop as his ex-teammates hesitantly start shuffling their feet. The room is silent. Felix’s tears start to spill over, only then does he step away from the others and rub at them. 

Jisung is the first to embrace him, holding him tight while the others continue to keep their heads down.    
  


“I’m so sorry” Felix says, “ I’m so sorry.” he apologises to his friend, tears continue to stream down his face and Felix feels as if his media training is also going to waste as he sees the cameras haven’t been turned off. 

Felix turns his head to see Chan standing there with his head still down. Felix lets out a sob into Han’s shoulder before finally letting him go. 

Tears start to fall from each of the remaining members' faces and Felix is there to face them. They haven’t been assigned where to go next. Normally they would all go back to their dorm and order dinner, discussing their performances and the practices in detail and what their schedule was the next day. Felix thinks he might actually miss them helping him stretch out his legs each night, his muscles slowly coming undone before going back the next day to cramp them up again.

He stands there and receives various hugs and pats on the back, all stiff and wet as their cheeks brushed and tears smear into their clothes. It’s as awkward as it can be but Felix can’t be bothered to care, wanting to get any amount of contact from his friends as he can. Even Hyunjin, who Felix finds standing in the corner, is rigid in his hold and awkward with his arms. But it’s enough for Felix, it has to be. Changbin is slumped against the wall when Felix comes over and hugs him too.    
  


“You did well. I’m sorry, I really am” Changbin mumbles into his chest, and Felix retracts from the embrace to see him fully. All the members were a mess, but it was unnerving to see them all like this because of his own shortcomings. They all sit around the room in various amounts of disarray. Bang Chan still just stands there watching them all, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and wringing out his hands. 

“Why are you sorry?” Felix manages between his irregular breaths, looking back at Changbin. They grip each other's arms, only letting go to wipe their eyes. Changbin doesn’t answer, can’t even look him in the eyes as he continues to cry.   
  
Felix watches as a staff member comes in and slowly starts to try and corral a few of the members out of the room. When the woman gets to their leader they talk quietly, too quiet for him to hear. Felix quickly collapses into the hug again and tries to savor the few moments he has left with his friend.

Finally, when Changbin slowly shuffles out of the room with a few of the others, it is only Felix and Chan left inside the practice room. A few cameras are still rolling in the corner but even the staff members have left them alone.

Felix presses his back against the wall, his breathing still ragged and ugly. He felt pathetic, unwanted, and unworthy. Chan had picked him and Felix had failed him, throwing away all the hard work they had put into improving his training, his singing. His korean.... 

Chan slowly walks over to him, rubbing his hands on his jeans and approaching as if Felix was an animal that would run at any moment. Felix doesn’t want to go anywhere.    


Chan stops a few feet away from him. If Felix reaches out he could touch him, and oh how he wants to. He wants to hug Chan until staff members have to rip them apart, until Felix was dragged from the JYP building kicking and screaming away from his leader... his best friend...

But he doesn’t reach out. Felix keeps his hands where they are pushed against the wall, marking his fingerprints into the mirror behind him. 

“Take a deep breath” Chan says, the lighting of the room still casting a dramatic shadow on his face. Felix loves these lights, so different from the ones in the practice rooms on the main floors of the building. The rooms he would be going back to after this. Felix makes a sound half between a hum and a moan, quickly wiping away yet another tear that has made its way down his cheek.  _ Pathetic... _

“ _ Felix _ ” Chan insists, still keeping his distance, but inclining his head towards Felix to try and get him to listen. Felix nods, not wanting to disappoint him more than he already has.  _ Unworthy... _

He breathes in, imitating a basic vocal training technique he uses to warm up before practice, starting from the bottom and going to the top, filling his lungs with what he can. It loosens his throat as he does, which feels as if it has been stuffed with clotton. After a moment Felix breaths out and feels as if he is being ripped open, coughing and putting his head down, looking away from Chan. 

“Again” Chan hums. When Feix looks up, Chan has tears streaming down his face, his expression set with determination. Felix starts again. They go through the exercise together, a few times for Felix to calm down and a few for Chan. Soon they are just staring at each other, their breathing matched as well as their hearts. 

“Chris-” Felix starts, but the older man stops him before he gets a chance, reaching out and grabbing hold of his shoulder, bringing him into a crushing embrace. 

Chris holds him tight and Felix fits his head into the crook of Chan’s neck, breathing him in and humming into the silence of the room. 

“Don’t ever say sorry for what happened,” Chan mumbles the english into his hair, running a hand through Felix’s brown locks while the other fists into his sweater. “Don’t apologize for this.”

Felix feels fresh tears brim in his eyes, but Chan quickly steps back, hands resting on his shoulders and searching Felix’s eyes. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do” Felix pleads quickly, finally finding words and speaking them with a panic.  _ Unwanted... _

Chris shakes his head and smiles, “You keep going, just like you have been” his hands drop from Felix’s shoulders, but he still feels each spot on his body where they had just embraced. “Always find me yeah?” 

Felix nods as tears still involuntarily fall. He wipes them away quickly, putting on the determined look he knows Chan wants to see. 

“I’m not gonna leave you behind.” Chan says firmly, keeping his eyes locked on the younger. “Yeah?”

Felix keeps nodding, words still not coming easily. Chan glances to the door and Felix feels what must be dread. His stomach sinks and his legs feel tense and rooted in the ground. When Chan looks back and sees Felix’s expression he swears under his breath.

In any other circumstance Felix would have been surprised by his leader cursing. Chan, who has perfected the trainee rules and style from years of practice. But Felix doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t hear it. He desperately glances around to take in the last of the practice room he would be able to see. 

“They’re waiting outside...” Chan says, shifting around so that he is beside the younger, arm wrapping around his shoulders. They slowly start walking toward the door, Felix wipes away one last stream of tears, Chan uses the hand around his shoulders to do the same to the other side. Felix feels himself lean into his touch.

As they exit the room together two staff members are waiting for them. One of them starts talking to Chan, too fast for Felix to catch but it doesn’t matter, Chan would translate it in a moment. Despite Felix’s effort to learn, the staff had taken to using Chan as their middle man when needing to relay information quickly. Felix thinks he will miss this, the quick whispers into his ear, the fast touches of their shoulders when Chan leans in. When their busy schedule called for busy words and Felix could hear familiar words on familiar lips. 

“They are gonna take you for your post interview, then you’ll go back to the dorm,” Chan says finally. His hand slips from Felix’s shoulder and Felix feels his shoulders sink despite the loss of weight on them there. “I’ll text you later.” 

“Okay,” Felix says as the staff members start walking away, toward the tiny office where Felix will be without his members.. Without Chan... 

_ …’I’ll text you later’...  _ They would not be speaking face to face...

Chan smiles and scrubs a hand though Felix’s hair, knowing the stylist is going to have to fiddle with it soon anyway. His ex-leader is the first to turn away, Felix is left to catch up with the staff members' brisk pace. He doesn’t have a chance to look back as they quickly turn the corner. He should have, if only to see that Chan had too, one last look into the eyes of his friend.

As Felix walks, he already feels the new mix of emotions pry it’s way into his heart, and he can’t help but feel them eat away at him again and again.... 

_...Pathetic, unwanted, unworthy.... _

_ _________________ _

Chan POV 

Chan does look back. He looks back in time enough to see Felix turn the corner, heading towards the little office that was designated for him to do his last interview. Felix has his head down, his expression drawn in lines of a hopeless sadness. 

And then he's gone.

The leader pulls out his phone and starts a new group chat. He adds 6 names. They did this for Minho, they would do it again for Felix. Chan prays he would never have to do it again. He types in their plans for the evening, which have changed since their briefing they had after their performance. 

They would do their last mini interviews for the show, in a room separate from Felix. Then getting dinner out of the building, giving Felix enough time to gather his clothes and belongings and bringing them to the trainee dorms in a separate building. 

A pang goes through Chan again as he types it out to the other members. Not in so many words, he leaves out any mention of Felix. They would figure it out immediately, they have done this before.

Chan begins walking, going to where he was told the other members were brought after he had asked for a moment alone with Felix. Right before he got to the hallway door separating him from the others he stops and takes a breath, running his hands over his face, rubbing his sore eyes and trying his best to hold back any remaining tears. 

_ Felix _ . Chan’s mind can’t fathom a team without the boy, can’t imagine  _ Stay Kids _ without him. After so much time spent with each other they had become a pair, unable to be separated when they can help it. Chan wouldn’t be able to really get to him until after they were done with this god damn survival show, too much time is needed to be spent on practice and leading the members. That being said even after any sort of debut, their paths have officially diverged, Chan is going where Felix can not follow. 

_ For now. _

Chan took one more deep breath and put his thoughts in order. Felix will be okay, he needs to focus on keeping the remaining members together. 

_ ‘This could be better for your team, I hope you could understand that’ _

JYP had said those words and Chan had nodded, he didn’t agree though. Felix belongs on the team, but there was nothing Chan can do about that now. He opens the door into the lounge that the rest of the members were assigned to. They all look like  _ hell,  _ but they would survive. They will debut, and they will get their moment. But Chan doesn’t know if that will make him feel complete again. 

_________________

Felix POV

Sitting in the same chair as before, the stylist doesn't bother fixing his hair or make up. As Felix looks around, there is no stylist at all, the woman has most likely moved to wherever the others are being interviewed. 

The only other person in the room is the same kind looking lady from before. Felix rubs his eyes as the camera starts rolling and she quickly asks what Felix is feeling about being eliminated. 

Felix almost startles, but ends up fidgeting in his chair and sighing, letting out a breath that has gotten stuck in his throat. 

_ ‘Again _ .’ He hears Chan’s voice in the back of his mind

“I really wanted to debut.... But I got eliminated,” He whispers, and has to repeat himself for the mic to pick him up, his voice shakes. 

The woman smiles, her lips are pursed. She is unimpressed with his answer but Felix isn’t sure he cares.

_ You keep going, just like you have been _

Felix sulks as Chan’s voice worms it’s way into his head. If he is ever going to get anywhere, he has to please those who could influence that. Felix tries again.

“My head hurts a lot,” Felix tries to find the right words and put them in the right order, “I don’t know what I should do now.” 

This is the right answer, the woman nods and her smile opens more. She stands up and turns off the camera, knocking on the door to signal the staff member outside that they have finished. After a few moments of silence the door opens and another staff member is there to escort him to the dorm.

Before Felix can leave the office, the woman holds him back for a moment and has him wait as she digs through her purse. After a few awkward moments of Felix scuffing his feet on the carpet and the lady searching the contents of her giant pocketbook she finally pulls out a packet of kleenex and hands them over to him. Felix stares at them before bowing to the woman, thanking her for the gift. She smiles again, already turning away and back to her phone.

Felix shuffles out of the room and pockets the tissues, his tears having dried. Most of his feelings had dulled to a numbness. As he walks behind the man leading the way to the dorms he wonders what the others are doing. 

Thinking back to the day they lost Minho, Chan had made a new group chat to tell them the schedule change. He also mentioned that if they text Minho, they shouldn’t use the old group chat. 

Felix pulls out his phone, opening up the chat between all of them. The last text sent was from Jisung, notifying the others that he might be late to his mini interview because of a bad cup of coffee. Each member had reacted to the message with a thumbs down, Hyunjin had sent a puking emoji.

Felix smiles for the first time that afternoon, saving a few of the group photos of them into his camera roll before deleting the chat. He pockets the phone and looks up to see the door to their dorm. The staff member has to follow him around the apartment, saying that he has to be sure Felix wouldn’t trash the place in anger because of his elimination. Felix rolls his eyes and packs his bags regardless. 

Clothes, laptop, Switch, toothbrush, soaps and pillow. He can carry it all himself, a duffle bag crossed over his chest and backpack on his back. Felix squeezes his pillow to his chest as he crosses back out of the apartment, the staff member makes a call to the manager who has accompanied the team to their dinner, and tells them that they have finished packing up at the dorm room.

Felix then exits the building and packes into a cab, driving to the building that houses the lower standing trainees. Minho would be there. The older had texted him before his performance today wishing him good luck, Felix had forgotten to respond while he was in makeup. 

He rests his head against the back of the car seat and closes his eyes, trying to think about what he would say, what he would  _ do. _ He wants to debut, he knew that for sure. He wants to dance, dance for people and  _ perform  _ for people. He thought he had gotten close, now he wasn’t so sure.

The cab pulls up to the building and Felix unloads his bags and heads inside. As he makes his way up the stairs to his new dorm he thinks about maybe needing to try something new. JYP Entertainment has given him his opportunity and it seems to not have worked out. Felix was told he could still train, but he isn’t sure if this was still the right place for him. 

As Felix approaches the dorm, he tries mentally preparing for what could be on the other side. He has been sleeping with his teammates for so long that he’d grown accustomed to all the little things each member did to make their dorm unique. 

Jeongin and his constant studying and teeth brushing, Seungmin and his odd shouting he does before falling asleep, Jisung and Hyunjin bickering over anything and everything, Changbin always mumbling lyrics under his breath, and Chan. Chan, the steady, grounding source, always knowing where each member was but keeping to himself as he constantly works on his laptop. 

Felix sighs as he knocks on the apartment door. To his surprise, Minho is the one to answer. 

“Felix?” Minho startles, the older has his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and a pink plush headband that has his hair pulled back, “What-”

“I was eliminated.” Felix interrupts the incoming question, “About an hour ago.” 

Minho rubs the back of his neck as Felix quickly bows, his duffle bag slipping from his shoulder, “I’m sorry for bothering you hyung but they sent me here saying you had an extra bed.” Felix comes back up but keeps his head down, his face burning red with embarrassment. 

The older wastes no time ushering him into the dorm. Felix quickly shuffles off his shoes and Minho shoves his toothbrush into the nearby bathroom. Together, they pass the living room where a few trainees are lazing on the couch. Minho waves and tells them to stay there as they go to one of the bedrooms down the hall. Felix can feel the stares, they know who he is, they can assume what has happened. Minho takes Felix’s duffle bag and sets it on an open bed. Felix takes off his back pack and continues holding his pillow, slowly easing down onto the bed as Minho does the same on the one across from him.

The two sit there in silence for a few moments before Minho finally asks, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Felix can tell that he was uncomfortable, he was the only other one who has been through this. The team hasn’t been able to see him since he has been eliminated, all they had known was that he was still training. Looking at Minho now, he sees how the circles under his eyes have deepened, his hair is damp from a recent shower. Minho hates being sweaty for too long, he is always the first one in when still with the team, he must have only just gotten back from practicing.

“We all missed you,” Felix starts, staring at his feet and squeezing the pillow tighter. “Chan couldn’t sleep for days, Jisung started having panic attacks again.” Felix sighs and looks up. Minho was staring at the ground, shoulders hunched and completely still. “Me and Hyunjin struggled to keep a hold of the choreography without you.”   
  


Minho looks up then, Felix watches as he fists his hands into the bed sheets. He has never been good at talking to Minho, the two of them are different in too many ways, Minho has been reserved after he had left the team, supportive but distant. Maybe he didn’t want to know about the team. “Are you blaming me for you getting yourself eliminated?” 

Felix shakes his head as he feels tears prick his eyes once more, that’s not what he meant at all. He lowers his head into his pillow, but Minho stands up and crosses the small distance to grab it from him. “Felix-” 

Minho starts to scold him but the words get caught in his throat. Felix stares up at him ready for the rapid, angry korean. Instead, Minho throws the pillow onto the other bed and sits next to Felix. The older boy wraps his arms around Felix as his eyes begin to fill with tears once more.   
  
“Felix,” Minho starts again, “You are a hard worker. You just need to keep on working to get your chance.” They shift and lay down on the bed, cuddling close and using each other's shirts as tissue. 

“I miss them,” Felix mumbles. Minho sighs and slowly runs his fingers through Felix’s hair. 

“I know, I miss them too. Jisung texted me before you came saying he needed to talk, but I didn’t realize...” Minho trails off, Felix pulls back from their embrace a little.

“I’m sorry hyung, I don’t want to be a bother to you-” Felix isn’t able to finish before Minho closes his hand over his mouth. 

“Felix, we’ll get our chance if we work together. You’re not a bother, you’re my new partner. Understand?” As Minho speaks, Felix’s eyes cross to look down at his hand which is still firmly covering his mouth. Minho seems to be waiting for an answer. Felix nods. 

Minho’s hand falls away from his mouth and the two stay in Felix’s new bed for the rest of the night. Felix whispers about the members to Minho as they laid there together. Minho asks about Jisung the most. Felix obliges him, telling recent stories of his increasingly improving vocals and dance.

Minho then tells Felix about the slight changes made to the trainee system, how he would probably be worked into the schedule from now on. Felix listens, silent tears still rolling down his cheeks every couple of minutes. Minho wipes them all away. 

They fall asleep like that, Minho sets an early alarm on his phone before he passes out, Felix stays tucked in next to him.

_ ‘We just need to keep on working to get our chance’ _

Felix sighs into the crook of Minho’s arm, finally closing his eyes and letting sleep overtake him. His phone lays forgotten beside him, buzzing once... twice...

_________________________

  
  


Felix POV

Felix and Minho train together for weeks, each practicing in areas they were lacking and building on their areas of expertise. Minho slowly continues teaching Felix korean but it’s not the same as Chan’s late night lessons. 

The two trainees keep themselves busy. Felix tries his best to keep up text conversation with Chan and the other members but he soon finds there isn’t much they can talk about without his heart panging with the knowledge that they have moved on to new missions and 7 member routines. 

On top of the heartache, Felix’s own practices and training take up most of his time as he continues to try and prove that he can make it to debut. Minho says he’s continuing to improve, that it’s only a matter of time. Despite that his teachers don’t seem to take any notice. 

In fact, Felix’s teacher doesn’t know what to do with him. Over the next few weeks Felix is switched and placed into different trainee groups throughout the company. He tries his hardest to get along with everyone, but each time he’s transferred he has to start from square one. He feels set up to fail, but Minho says they are just trying to find him the right fit.

To say the least, Felix was going  _ nowhere. _

To no one's surprise, Minho has been building his way to the top of the trainee system for a while now. He supports Felix as much as he can but the older trainee has access to private vocal practices and personalized choreographies that keep the two apart more often than not. 

Felix cheers Minho on as much as he can but the korean lessons become few and far between. Not long after, Minho gets a call from JYP. 

“He set up a meeting for tomorrow morning...” Minho stares up at the ceiling from his bed on the top bunk. Fresh out of the shower, the older trainee had quickly shuffled Felix into their room to tell him the news. 

Felix is standing beside the bed, eye level with the older as he nervously bounces on the balls of his feet, “You’re going to _ debut _ hyung. Maybe... maybe they’re gonna make you a solo artist?” 

Minho swats Felix’s hands away from where they have started to pat at the bed. “I don’t know... I don’t know...” Despite the thrilling news, Minho looks as if he could pass out any minute. 

Felix sighs and shuffles up onto the bed, slotting himself beside the tired trainee and twining their fingers together at their sides. Minho wasn’t much of a cuddler after Felix’s first night in the dorm but Felix considers this a special occasion.

“You’re gonna make it hyung.” Felix whispers, turning his head to face Minho who looks to be just about taken by sleep, “You’re gonna debut.”   
  


The Aussie thinks he hears Minho mumble something about Felix making it to debut too but the korean words are lost to his ears by long syllables and sleep soaked words. Felix smiles and squeezes Minho’s hands one last time before falling into his own steady slumber.

_____________

Felix POV

The next morning when Felix wakes up he is alone. Minho had left early for the meeting and had left a note on Felix’s bed that he would tell him about it when he got home that night, not wanting to disturb him during any of his practices. 

Felix goes about his day as usual, heading to the main building for a normal day of hard practice. His vocal coach praises his range but critiquing his technique, his dance instructor liking his technique but not his blend within the group. By the time he is done for the day he has still not heard back from Minho, though he must be home by now. 

As Felix walks the few short blocks to the dorms, he decides to pick up Minho’s favorite ice cream from a shop along the way. When he gets home, Felix stores the frozen treat in the freezer and makes sure to write his name on a note to label it his. Though most conflict in the dorm is solved by Minho himself, Felix isn’t so sure how anyone could get away with all 10 fingers after stealing the eldest trainees strawberry ice cream. 

When Felix finishes in the kitchen, he heads towards his shared bedroom with Minho. As he passes, a few of the trainees in the living room are unusually quiet, giving glancing looks to each other. Felix brushes it off as them being jealous of his friend, thinking about all the good news that Minho could have when he gets back. 

Upon entering the bedroom he starts taking off his jacket, his head down as he fiddles with the zip that jams towards the bottom every so often. When Felix looks up again his heart drops. 

All of Minho’s belongings are gone, making the room they share feel unbalanced. Felix feels as if he might tip over because of it, quickly closing the door and leaning his weight against it to ground himself. 

A million thoughts run through his brain as he tries to think of reasons for the absence of his friend. Felix thinks of other times trainees have moved out of their rooms, how the process almost always has at least a few days notice. He couldn’t have been kicked out, there was nothing Minho could have done wrong and he would have stayed in the room for at least a few more weeks if he had been given news of debuting. 

Felix’s eyes catch a splotch of color on the empty mattress that was once Minho’s bed. Felix takes a breath and rights himself, making his way over to see that his former roommate had left a note on his bed.

_ -Not Dead, Call Me!- _

Felix pulls out his phone and quickly pulls up his friend’s phone number. He seats down on his own bed and dials it, the bell chiming as he waits for Minho to answer. He waits… And waits…. And is sent to voicemail. 

Felix brings the phone down from his ear and dials again, after a few more moments the line finally picks up.

“Hello?” Minho’s voice laughs through the speaker. The other end of the line sounds muffled with noise, voices and music and clattering all around. 

“Hyung-” Felix starts to say.

  
  
“Felix!” Minho interrupts, as soon as he does the line goes hushed. The voices falling silent. “Hey sorry, um. When you get back to the apartment tonight….”

“I’m already home hyung, all your stuff is gone. Are you okay? What happened at the meeting?” Felix grabs his pillow from beside him and hugs it nervously, a habit he had picked up whenever he was alone. 

On the other end of the line, Felix hears the mumbling of voices including Minho’s. A few moments pass before he hears the phone being passed to another person. 

“Hey Felix…” 

The english catches Felix off guard, he squeezes the pillow tighter upon hearing the familiar voice. “Chan?”

“Yeah.. Yeah Felix... Minho is here with the team…” As Chan speaks Felix’s breath gets caught in his throat. “After some discussion with managers and staff JYP wanted the team to be 8 members.” Felix can hear the smile in Chan’s voice as he speaks, “They gave Minho a call and wanted him to come back to do a mission with us today, they said the fit seemed right. Perfect actually, it was our last mission.” 

Felix smiles but his mouth twitches down involuntarily, “Your debuting...” 

Chan sighs into the phone with what must be relief. “Yes…” 

“Chan… That’s great news,” Felix laughs a little, he’s happy for his friends. “You’re gonna make it hyung, just keep going.” Chan giggles and a few moments later the chatter on the other end of the line resumes.    
  


_ ‘I’m not gonna leave you behind’ _

Felix draws in a sharp breath but quickly casts the stray memory away from his thoughts. “I’ll be cheering you guys on. Make sure you tell me when they make your socials so I can be your first instagram follower, yeah?”

“Of course Felix, we’ll be sure to keep you in the loop. We just got some of our schedule and they are already planning our photoshoots. It’s all going so fast.” 

Felix thinks about the long practice days and even longer nights he spends lost in his thoughts. “Yeah, too fast… Wishing you guys the best… I miss you. Make sure you’re getting some sleep.”

_ ‘Always find me yeah?’ _

“We’ll see you around, keep on going just like I told you. We miss you here too! Bye Felix!” Chan’s voice sends warmth to his chest, it almost makes up for the lie he tells. Felix wouldn’t see the team, Felix was still stuck in the now empty dorm, still struggling through his trainee lessons.

“Bye, hyung.”

Felix drops the phone into his lap. He sits there for a few minutes, pillow clutched to his chest trying to grapple the new infromation. Stray Kids were officially debuting, an 8 member team including some of the only friends he has in the company. 

The trainee slowly slumps down onto the bed, laying on his side and pressing his head into the pillow to take a few steadying breaths. For the first time since coming to the company, he truly felt alone. Minho was the last thread holding him there and now even he was pulled away from him. 

Felix feels as if he was floating without purpose. Little thoughts poke at his sides, pushing him towards all sorts of ideas of what he is to do next. As Felix goes to hold the pillow tighter, his body stills. He brings the cushion away from his body and considers it. Ever since being eliminated Felix had found himself using it as a substitute for the other members' embraces. 

A tear escapes his eyes as he sets the pillow beside him, he no longer feels the need to hug it as he remembers what Minho had told him when he first got to the dorms.

_ ‘You just need to keep on working to get your chance’ _

Felix would keep working, but clinging to what he has left of his team obviously wasn’t getting him anywhere. Perhaps a change in pace was needed. Felix thinks of his game plan as he slowly drifts to sleep.

_________________

Felix POV

It took one week for Felix to leave JYP Entertainment, most of that time was filled with his paperwork to transfer to a different company. In truth the process was probably easier because no one one pushes for him to stay. His coaches and instructors all agreed with him that he would thrive in a new learning environment. 

Choosing the new company wasn’t hard either, being from one of the Big 3 meant he has more than a few smaller ones wanting to pick him up. He chooses one at random and that was the end of his time at JYP. 

None of his ex-teammates knew before it was too late, the decision to delete and block their numbers was not hard to make. Felix needs to start fresh, that involves leaving behind things from his past. He still loved them, each member has taken a little part of his heart but he couldn’t cling to them when they were moving forward without him. Felix would not let himself drag behind like he has been. That didn’t stop his fingers from hesitating over Chan’s number before pressing ‘Block Caller.’

The next step was moving out, which was easier than expected. He appreciates the few hugs and ‘good lucks’ he gets from some of his dorm mates as he finally made his way out the door for the last time. 

Felix takes a breath as he calls for a cab, the air feels different in his lungs as he adjusts his duffle bag over his shoulder. He finally feels free from the things holding him back, and as he made his way towards his new company building Felix felt his hopes start to rise. 

_ ‘You keep going, just like you have been.’ _

Yeah, Felix would keep going. And he would make it. 

Felix would make it to debut.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard... But more Chan?
> 
> For me to be able to write this I felt like Felix had to be apart of a team, so the 4 teammates are made up.  
> If this is a turn off I understand, you can enjoy chapter one as a Felix character study, but know that the team is there because our boy Felix just needs someone to talk to.

Chan POV

Chan is never able to pin down where Felix went after Stray Kids were set to debut. After Minho was brought back to the team Felix had texted Chan back for a few more days before going radio silent. 

The leader thought perhaps the younger had gotten busy, he no longer knew the business of the trainee system since he began preparing for debut. Photo shoots and vocal recordings take up space where there used to be time to relax, and managing the other 7 members' stress levels was a feat in itself. 

After some thought Chan decided to keep the ghosting texts to himself, maybe Felix was distracted, maybe he wanted some space. That was fine… That was okay. Chan could handle that, even if it made his insides twist.

He didn’t want to worry the team by asking them if they had gotten the same treatment, so he stayed quiet, silently hoping that they weren’t hiding something from him. 

4 weeks passed, and Chan felt as if he was close to breaking. He wanted to find Felix, he wanted to go down to the trainee floors and pull him out of his dance practice and make the younger talk to him. Chan wanted to hold Felix again and whisper soft english words into his ear, wanted to feel the other relax into his embrace as they slowly drifted into sleep.

4 week sitting with his thoughts before he was finally approached by Minho after a vocal recording session.

“Has Felix contacted you recently?” Chan startled at the mention of the younger. Minho seemed to be in a slight panic, which is unlike his teammate. Chan knew Minho and Felix trained together while the two were both eliminated, he figured if anything Felix would stay in contact with the older. 

“He has not, I’ve tried to text and call but it’s like talking into the ether.” Chan figured the truth was the best option, but Minho seemed to become more panicked.

“Chan… I haven’t gotten any updates from him in weeks. Trainee evaluations were a few days ago and me and Jisung have been trying to see how he’s been doing... but he hasn’t answered us... He hasn’t answered anyone.”

“You talked to the others?” Chan asks, thinking of the other members and how this must be for them. 

“No one has gotten a response, we thought you might but…” Minho glances away from the leader. Chan takes the dancers hands and holds them tight.

“I’ll figure this out.” Minho seems to relax at that, Chan smiled, but he knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “Make sure the others all get to the dorm? I’ll go down now.”

Minho nodded and took out his phone, most likely to text the team to meet up for their drive back to the dorm.

Chan waved and left the recording studio to find his answers, he knew where to start to find a trainee in the system, but his nerves had him second guessing himself. He needed to see Felix now, and he knew where the trainee dorms were. 

Upon exiting the building the sun had already gone down, the winter air was dry and as Chan made his way down the street he pulled his hoodie up over his ears. The trainee dorms were a 10 minutes walk from JYP and along there were shops thriving and people trying to catch a photo. They still had 2 months before debut and already Chan was hiding his face behind masks and scarfs.

When he reached the small apartment building Chan buzzed into the dorm he knew would have trainees, the one he and Felix used to live in. A boy answered and the door clicked open. As Chan made his way up the stairs, the door at the top was already open. A few of the trainees were sticking their heads out as Chan reached the door. 

“Hey guys… Is Felix here?” The boys make way for Chan as he enters the room, he kicks off his shoes before taking off his face mask and hood. 

They don’t answer immediately, and the pit in Chan’s gut twists again. One of the boys finally speaks up, “Lee Felix?”

Chan ran a hand through his hair and sighed, he didn’t have time for this, he needed to find Felix and get back to the team. “Yeah… Which room is his? If he isn’t here I can leave a note, or if one of you can-”

“Felix doesn’t live at these dorms anymore.” Someone spoke up and Chan looks to see one of the smaller trainees with his head bowed.

“What?” The trainees all bowed in what must be an apology. Chan presses on “Where is he then?” 

More glances, but the same boy from before answers, “He switched companies 3 weeks ago, didn’t say why, he didn’t leave anything behind.”

Chan stood frozen, the reality finally clicking. Felix was gone, not just from the team but from the company. Felix was gone and he hadn’t told the team. Hadn’t told Chan. 

He didn’t want to assume anything, but his head was spinning with a million different reasons as to why Felix would leave the company. Why Felix would leave- Chan breath caught as he remembered something. Those words he had told Felix when he had been eliminated.

‘I’m not gonna leave you behind’

Chan hadn’t been able to follow through. Chan hadn't been able to get Felix to debut, so he left. He doesn’t blame him one bit.

“Actually-'' A trainee speaks up, interrupting Chan’s train of thought. He quickly disappears into the hallway, Chan couldn’t see where he had gone but he is quickly back holding what looks to be a cushion. “He did leave this.”

It was a pillow, and as the trainee handed it over Chan wasn’t sure why he felt so heartbroken by it. The leader quickly said his goodbyes to the trainees before tucking the pillow under his arm and exiting the dorm. He quickly made his way down the stairs and out of the building, heading straight back to the company building. 

Chan pulled his hood up and he walked and wiped at his eyes, blaming it on the weather. He held the pillow close to his body as he weaved through the night crowd, and soon enough he was back at JYP. Bursting through the company doors, Chan made his way into one of the offices that manages the trainee system. 

“It’s after hours, I can’t reschedule your training until-” The woman inside begins to speak but Chan didn’t have time. 

“Please, I have a simple request, I just need to check a name in the trainee logs.” Chan sounded winded, sounded crazy. The manager must have recognised him because she didn’t argue. She sat back in her chair and began typing and clicking through programs. 

“Name?”

“Lee Felix.” 

“He’s not here.”

“Then where did he go?”

The woman sighed, clicking a few more times before pulling up a log of trainees coming in and out of the company. “It says here he was transferred to Mixed Media Entertainment.” 

Chan sighed, running a hand over his face and saggs back onto the wall. “Thank you, I’m sorry for the trouble.”

The manager shrugs as she shuts down her computer, pulling on her coat and heading towards the door. “No trouble, Lee Felix was a simple and easy transfer, it was simple and easy to look up. Now if that’s all, I need to get out of here before another one of you shows up.”

Chan bows and exits the office with the woman, she waves goodbye and leaves the leader in the hallway. 

For a moment, Chan stands there alone and hugs the pillow close, only then realizing that it smells of his friend. Sweet strawberries and honeyed flowers. Felix smelled of the sun. 

The worst part had to be that Chan had no way of getting to him. The leader figured his number had been blocked along with the rest of the team, and he couldn’t simply get in contact with a different company to get to him.

Maybe Felix didn’t want to be gotten to. 

Maybe Felix didn’t want to be bothered.

Felix… The one trainee who Chan had connected with and taught him everything he could. Felix and his broken korean and late night lessons. Felix and his hugs. The short, the long and the lovely embraces they would share almost everyday. 

Felix and his low voice. Felix and his freckles. 

Chan began to walk back towards the entrance, ready to go home and break the news to the team. Chan would not try and contact Felix. Though it broke his heart, the younger clearly wanted space from the team. 

In a way it might be better for the team, to help keep their focus on their debut and look forward towards the future. But Chan didn’t want Felix to be part of his past. He still wanted him here in the company.

Maybe it was selfish of Chan to think this way. Maybe the company, or even the team were what was holding Felix back from what he needed to debut. 

Chan climbed into the cab waiting outside the building to go back to the dorm. As the car pulled away he watched the city pass by with blurring lights and winter scenery. He thought to himself then… 

At the very least, he was still in the same city as Lee Felix.

______________

Felix POV

2 years after leaving JYP, Felix was standing in an empty practice room. The place has been transformed into something of a party, tables set up with food and drink, streamers hung from the ceiling. The walls were a golden color, but were obscured by Big bubble letters reading ‘Congratulations Volta!’ 

Music still bounced throughout the space, something that stayed constant in a room like this. A room Felix had spent so much time in, laughing, dancing, sweating. And now it was being used as a celebration of all of those things. A celebration of the two years of practice, and the debut of Volta, the five member boy group from a breakout entertainment company. 

Volta, the five member boy group that had Lee Felix in the line up.

The party had been in honor of the release of their social media debut. Videos and pictures of all 5 members had been released on their youtube and instagram. Earlier that day, Felix had sat down with his manager to pick out the first selfies the idol would upload to their twitter, in the end Felix and his members' names had trended for close to 5 hours. 

By the end of the day, the 5 boys had been ushered into their practice room to find the surprise party, their staff waiting there to congratulate them on their success.

Volta would soon release their first single, a street style concept with a winter vibe that was just in time for the end of fall. In a week their music video would release and their promotions would begin. Felix's heart skipped a beat at the thought.

So much was happening so fast. Interviews and photoshoots, dance practice videos and tiktoks, all having to be recorded and polished before hand leading up to D-day. 

Looking back at the past two years, Felix thinks it may have been luck that got him here, but of course luck hadn’t always been on his side. 

Felix shakes his head and sits down in the middle of the room, remembering his first day at the company. The chaos of navigating a new building and the panic of trying to make his way in a new place. He doesn’t regret leaving JYP, and he thinks it’s perhaps the best decision he’s made since coming to Korea. 

His luck must have started about a year into his training at Mixed Media Entertainment, on the day of his monthly evaluation. 

_____1 Years Earlier_____  
Felix POV

Felix looked at the sheet listing the evaluation scores, not understanding how it was possible. Felix had scored at the top of the dance section, and was in the top 5 for vocal performance. 

It wasn’t until he was brought aside into his instructors office that it clicked.

“We looked back at your videos from your previous company.” Felix’s dance instructor starts, all of his coaches had gathered into one room and were standing around a man sitting at a desk. Felix stood in front of them all, hands slowly wringing themselves out in front of him.

“Yes sir.” Felix responds.

“Looking them over, you have always been solid but not stand out star... But we have noticed big improvement in all areas since your time at JYP.” 

Felix nods his head, “Yes sir.” 

The man at the desk cleared his throat before speaking next, “If you keep up this development, next month we will be putting you into the group of trainees who will start working towards debut.”

Felix stilled, head jolting up to look at the man at the desk. He had been working on his korean non stop since leaving JYP, lessons were harder when he had no one to help him but he was managing. He still doubted he was hearing right, “Sir?”

The man didn’t respond as he got up from the desk and made his way towards the door. He stopped halfway there to put a hand on Felix’s shoulder, “Keep up the good work Felix,” he said in english, “You are a star in the making.”

Felix smiled and bowed his head, still not sure what he had heard was what he had ment. As the unfamiliar man left the room, his coaches all came up and wished him luck. Only then did Felix realize what was happening. 

That man was the company CEO. And if Felix continued to improve, he would debut. 

The trainee just needed to prove himself for one more month. One more evaluation and he could be put into a group that would train and debut together. 

The thought hit him like a truck as the trainee made his way out of the office and towards his dorm. He felt his limbs start to tingle, starting with his fingers, and slowly moved up his arms and down into the pit of his stomach. 

Felix made his way up the stairs to his room and tried to understand what the coaches could have seen in him that was so different from his time at JYP. Since leaving, he had not talked to any of his old team. Maybe cutting them out really was for the best. 

From the moment he got to this new company, Felix had mostly been on his own, focusing on himself and his own training. Some days were hard, but others were like living in a dream. He missed having people he could depend on and help him, but this new found independence allowed him to learn about himself in ways he never had before. Through it all he didn’t find himself looking back at what he could have been, but forward to what he could be. 

And here was his chance, the chance he had to make it big. Felix felt he didn’t have long now.

_____Present Day_____

Felix POV

Felix layed down on the practice room floor, the hardwood biting into his shoulder blades. He spread his arms out to the side and closed his eyes, remembering how that last month as a trainee was stressful but fulfilling. Nothing compared to the moment he was brought back into the office and told to pack his bags and move into the new group's dorm. 

Nothing beat meeting his group members. 

Felix heard the door open to the practice room, and not a moment later there was a body landing on top of his. 

“Lee Felix, did you really fall asleep in the middle of the practice room again?”

Felix let out a cough as he felt what must be his chest caving in. “Hoshi-” he said with what little breath he had, “Doesn’t our member profile put you as weighing the least? How am I still being crushed?”

Felix looked up at the youngest member with a smile. Hoshi looked down at him with a pout. “Not funny hyung…”

“No? But my profile says that I can always make you laugh,” Felix pokes his fingers into the dimples on the boys cheeks.

Hoshi mutters something about ‘fake profile bullshit’ and rolls off Felix with a huff. 

Takara Hoshi, the maknae of the group, was one of a kind. The japanese member had a head of curls that stylists despised, and a personality that their media trainers adored. In a way Hoshi had his own struggle with korean, but only because he slipped into japanese when he got too excited. More often than not, the little idol was electrified. Their supervisor had no problems choosing the firecracker dancer as the face of the group. 

Felix began to sit up after the weight of the younger had been lifted, but before he could his hands were grabbed and practically pulled from their sockets.

“Hyung! The floors are filthy!” Felix kicked out his feet as he was dragged on his back across the floor by a pair of strong hands.

“Best not be taking naps on them then Lee Felix, you know how the staff gets when they catch you passed out in here.” Min Hyunki smiled as he spoke, pulling Felix across the hard wood towards the door. Hoshi cheered the leader on, shoving a piece of leftover chicken into his mouth from one of the party tables. 

Min Hyunki was the oldest member of Volta, and by far the most mature…. Most of the time. The eldest member got away with it by saying it was the fault of the younger members, claiming they brought out the worst in him. 

If by worst he meant worst aegyo, then Felix agreed. 

Hyunki was the first member that Felix had met that day he moved into the group dorm, and since then the only member Felix could go to when his moods were low and his thoughts got stuck in the past. He had a plain but elegant face, brown eyes framed by dark brown hair, and 180cm of height, towering over the maknae line. 

Min Hyunki took the role of leader with purpose, and when he had found out that Felix still struggles with his Korean, he had started joining the younger as he studied. Felix hadn’t had anyone to speak his native language with him for over a year, and finding out Hyunki had a firm grasp on it was a comfort.

Before Hyunki could drag Felix out of the practice room to do god knows what, Felix wriggled one of his hands out of his grip and reached out to grab anything he could. His hand found the ankle of Kim Jiho. 

Felix pleaded, “Jiho, help me out, I’m being kidnapped.” 

The rapper looked down at Felix’s hand with half lidded eyes, he didn’t bother taking out his earbuds. Felix knew he was blasting an emotional ballad, but the younger would never admit it. 

“I’m sorry… Do I know you?” Jiho twisted his foot out of his grip and walked towards the table of party food. 

“Traitor!” Felix screamed, but it was too late, Hyunki had already pulled felix out the door. 

Kim Jiho was quiet, but he made up for it while up on stage when he performed. His emotionless pattern of speech offstage transformed into passionate phrases that he writes himself. Along with his denial of loving kdrama ballads, the second youngest would also never admit that he was deeply jealous of Felix’s voice, saying it was going to waste whenever Felix didn’t get as many lines as the others in a particular song. 

Jiho’s moodier personality didn’t match his looks either, his short hair dyed a bright red for their upcoming debut show. His stylist had said that the hair would contrast nicely, fooling the fans into thinking he was at least a little brighter in attitude than he let on. Felix laughed as he remembered Jiho trying to hold back a scream as the first layer of bleach had been applied. 

Before Felix lost sight of his younger members, he sees Jiho pick up the last piece of chicken that had been left out. Hoshi visibly sags as he does. 

The rapper glares at the younger, “You are insufferable” he mutters, shoving the chicken wing into Hoshi’s mouth. Hoshi wrap Jiho in a bone crushing hug.

“You know, one of these days Hoshi will aegyo his way into something he won’t be able to get himself out of…” Hyunki says as he continues to drag Felix out of the room. 

“If by that you mean Jiho’s studio? I agree.” Felix sighs, finally admitting defeat as he slides like dead weight along the hallway floor on his back.

“Hoshi has been inside that studio, they so secret vlives in there while I’m out getting lunch for you lot after dance practice.”

“I think you mean Hoshi does the vlive, and Jiho sits there looking dead to the world…” 

“Sparks are gonna start to wonder if we have a mannequin as our lead rapper.”

Felix smiles at the mention of the name they had given their fanbase. ‘Sparks’ were what they had gone with after much debate, and Felix loved it. “I think they’ll be proven wrong soon enough.”

“Hyung, what are you doing with Felix?” The kidnapped idol hears a voice come from his left as they cross an intersection in the hallway. He looks over and sees Choi Seojun standing there with a book in one hand, and a green tea in the other. 

“Come with us and find out, won't you sweet prince?” Hyunki beams as he continues dragging the middle member down the hallway.

Seojun looked skeptical, but it was in his nature. As solid an idol as he was, the second oldest member didn’t trust most anything. Felix thinks Seojun doesn’t make room for error, and it’s what makes him so good at everything there is to be good at. As the team’s center, Seojun seems to do his best to please everyone he can. Felix and Hyunki tried to loosen him up one night with a stolen bottle of soju, but in the end the long haired idol passed out in the tub before anything of interest came about. 

Seojun sported the same bleached hair that Felix had, but where Felix had his undercut, Seojun had long locks that reached all the way to his chin. At the moment, it was being held back with a pair of glasses. 

“I think our leader doesn’t want the trouble of having a middle child in the group, and is getting rid of me before it’s too late to debut as four.” Felix says to Seojun as he’s pulled past.

Seojun seemed panicked for a moment, “They wouldn’t allow that-”

Felix interrupts before it’s too late, “Careful hyung, you’ll spill your tea, I’m only joking.” Felix twists in Hyunki’s grip to look up at his leader, “Or am I?”

Hyunki smiles, “I would have gotten rid of you sooner, Lee Felix. Three days isn’t enough time to get your name out of the press before the debut show.” 

Felix shrugs, or tries to shrug, his arms were stretched above his head. “Perhaps… It wouldn't be the first time though.”

Hyunki squeezes Felix’s hands harder at the comment, “Hey… None of that.” 

Felix doesn’t respond, only looking back at Seojun as he makes his way into the practice room, “Hyung! Don’t let Jiho take the last of the rice cake! I’m eating it for lunch tomorrow!”

Seojun waves in response, nose already back in his book. 

Hyunki continued to drag Felix down the hall until they reached one of the empty offices with a large window overlooking the city. 

“The others have already seen, but I figured you might want to too.” Hyunki says letting go of Felix’s hand’s and allowing the idol to finally stand. 

Felix shrugs his shoulders as he stands up straight, Hyunki brushes the dirt off from the back of his T-shirt. “I’m never gonna be able to wear this shit in public again, it’s all stretched out and must be stained permanently with dirt.”

Hyunki laughed, his voice was deep, but not compared to Felix’s own. “You know, Lee Felix? I don’t think you’ll need to worry about a ruined T-shirt for much longer.”

Felix ran a hand through his hair, “3 days..” he breathed. 

“3 days… And our faces on a billboard” 

“Our faces on a billboard?”

Hyunki smiled and walked towards the window that overlooked the city. Felix followed on his tail. “I think it’s a little much if you ask me, the visual designers went all out for this one. 

Felix was shoulder to shoulder with his leader as they peered out the window. The yellow glow was what caught his attention first, bright shots of golden lightning bolts flashed across a billboard a few blocks away before one of their group photos appeared on the screen. Felix squinted to see the words written across the bottom.

‘The Wait is Over! Volta Debut in 3 Days!”

Felix grinned from ear to ear, and Hyunki pulled him into a hug once the dancer had gotten an eyefull of the distant screen. “3 days, Lee Felix...” His leader muttered into his hair.

Felix remembers the night Hyunki has started calling him by his full name. It was a few months into their training as a group, and Felix had woken from a nightmare. He wasn’t in his right mind when Hyunki found him curled up on the couch, slowly rocking back and forth in the middle of the night.

“They are gonna eliminate me… Hyung do you not want me on the team anymore?” Felix’s head jolted up when he had sensed the older trainee in the room. “I know I can do better on the next mission…” 

Hyunki has sat with him that night, hugging the panicking boy from behind and whispering reassurance into his ears. “There are not going to be any eliminations… We aren’t Volta without Lee Felix…”

“If I leave... It could be better for the team… I understand that…” Felix had tears streaming down his face, recounting all the words he had heard before. 

Hyunki had been there to knock those all down, saying that Felix would debut with him and they would be that talk of the industry. 

“Lee Felix” Hyunki repeated over and over again that night, “Lee Felix, Min Hyunki, Choi Seojun, Kim Jiho, Takara Hoshi… We stick together, no one is going anywhere.” 

Felix had slowly drifted to sleep that night to the sound of his name. As he stood there now, staring at the billboard with his face for all to see. He finally believed it. 

_____________

Chan POV

Chan was sitting with Minho and Seungmin when he decided to turn on the TV that day. They had the afternoon off, their promotions were in full swing but this odd set of hours had somehow stayed free from the clutches of interviews and variety shows. 

Changbin was typing away at his computer in the dining room, Chan could see him through the doorway to his left. Most likely he was going over the beats and melodies Chan had sent him late last night. 

Jeongin sat across from the rapper reading a book that he had found abandoned in their green room the day before. All the members had taken guesses as to who the text had belonged to, Chan had said it was probably a staff member or manager, but the others had high hopes it had belonged to RM of BTS. 

Hyunjin and Jisung, of all pairings, were out getting a late dinner. Chan had asked for them to bring back food for him, but it had been 3 hours and the leader had lost all hope for hot food tonight.

So that left Seungmin, who was playing a mobile game on the couch next to him. And Minho, sitting in an armchair, probably texting Jisung to bring him back ice cream from wherever the boy was.

Chan flipped through channels looking for anything to watch, but it all seemed to be kdramas or variety shows that all had the same format and content. 

Chan glanced down at his phone then, giving up hope on the TV and opening up twitter, his one hand still absently flipping through the channels. 

Chan scrolled down his feed on his phone, looking at what different JYP groups they followed were up to. Most were the basic selfies and thanks to fans, while others were advertising sales on online stores. Chan sighed and swiped to the side to look at whatever was trending at the moment, looking at the different hashtags and catchphrases that were getting attention.

The leader was about ready to join in on Seungmin’s mobile game when his eyes caught on a certain name trending in Korea. 

“Hyung….” Seungmin spoke up then, and when Chan looked up he saw his eyes were glued to the TV screen. “Can you go back a few channels?” 

Chan hadn’t noticed that the hand holding the remote was still scrolling through the different shows, but he obliged the younger member and switched the direction of the scroll. Seungmin motioned for him to stop when they reached a popular music show. There was an interview happening at the moment, the two MCs were blocking the way of a group that was set to perform. 

Chan was confused for a moment before his eyes caught on bleached hair and dark eyes, and the whole room seemed to still.

“Hyung… is that?...” Seungmin whispered slowly as the MCs moved to the sides of the group, 5 boys with warm clothes and bright smiles. One smile much brighter than the others.

“Oh my god,” Minho looks up from his phone then and sees the screen, immediately standing up from the chair and moving to get a better look at the TV. 

“Everything okay in there?” Jeongin’s voice can be heard from the dining room. From the corner of his eye Chan sees Changbin look away from his computer.

“Oh my god” Minho repeats, more lively this time. 

The dorm room door opens from behind Chan but no one looks to see who comes in. “We’re back! Cold pizza and ice cream anyone? I know we were a little long but-” Jisung’s voice is cut off by Hyunjin as they enter the living room.

“Holy fuck is that Felix?” 

“Hyunjin, don’t swear,” Chan says, because the only things the leader seems to be able to say right now are things he feels he’s been saying his life. 

At this point, all the members had come into the living room to see the new boy group on the TV. Seungmin was already looking back down at his phone typing away at something. Chan still hadn’t taken his eyes away from the screen as he watched the 5 boys introduce themselves, stating they were ‘Volta’ from an entertainment company Chan had never heard of. 

That was a lie, Chan had heard of the company once before. It had been 2 years since he had been in that office, the tired trainee manager telling him that his best friend had transferred to another company. 

Chan watched as Volta bowed and answered questions supplied by the MCs, and Stray Kids watched intently. 

“We share a show with them, 2 days from now on Music Bank,” Seungmin’s voice breaks through Chan’s train of thought. 

“So I’m not dreaming about this?’ Jisung asks.

“Is it that unbelievable for you?” Minho shoots back.

“That’s not what I meant,” Jisung sulks.

“Can we agree to jump the leader in the bathroom?” Changbin questions.

“I’ll hold him while you question him,” Hyunjin agrees.

“Do you think they hug him enough?” Seungmin worries. 

“He looks tired,” Jeongin frowns.

“Hey!” Chan has the bickering put to a halt as he stands up and silences the room of boys. They all look to him for their answers, but before Chan can speak their phone chime collectively, signaling a group message from their manager. The group pulls out their phone and checks the text.

‘No one is to contact Lee Felix until further notice. We will have a meeting before the Music Bank deciding how to go about these new developments. No social media posts until then, please stay in the apartment until tomorrow morning when we come to collect you for the photoshoot.’ 

The boys all have their own reaction to the news, but Chan pockets the phone and turns to address them all. “For right now, we listen to the manager. We don’t have enough information to risk going about this the wrong way, and we can’t afford a slip up right now.” 

Minho and Changbin looked like they wanted to argue, but the rest of the team just looked confused. Confused over everything. Felix was in a group, a group that just debuted and was now performing on their TV screen. 

Chan thought most of them would want to celebrate, but in the end, seeing their friend after such a long time brought back the pain of him leaving them in the first place. 

Sometimes Chan would talk to Minho about the once trainee, about where he could be and why they had been cut out. They never got very far before changing the subject. 

Watching Felix now, Chan saw the boy beaming as he danced with his team, the five of them playing off each other perfectly. A close up of Felix showed his eyes were dusted with warm colors, his freckles put on full display, so unlike what the stylists would do with him while at JYP. Chan missed those freckles, he missed poking them when Felix pouted, and uncovering them with a makeup wipe at night after a day full of cameras.

As the song ended and faded into a commercial, the rest of the team slowly dispersed, probably trying to gather their thoughts on the whole situation.

But Felix's smile had burned itself into Chan’s brain, as he stood there in the living room he could still see that sunshine smile. Chan knew at that moment that he would do anything it takes to get to Felix again. 

And if Felix really had moved on, if he really wanted nothing to do with Chan and the team, then at least Chan could hear it said to the boy himself. Then, if anything, Chan could finally put whatever had happened 2 years ago behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Chan, he seems to be panicking a little.
> 
> Can you guess who Felix's teammates are based off of?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought researching music shows would help me, but I think it only made things more complicated... 
> 
> One of the characters has what could be considered a panic attack in this chapter, so if this affects you please be mindful when reading. 
> 
> Covid does not exist in this. Fuck Covid.

Chan POV

Two day after Volta’s debut, Stray Kids sat in a meeting room with their manager and media trainer. Everyone was tired, it was 6am and they had just rolled out of bed when they had been ushered into the empty room.

Chan looked around and saw that a lot of the members had their nerves peeking through the exhaustion. Chan’s leg was bouncing underneath the table as the media trainer began his speech, “Lee Felix was once a team member of Stray Kids, but never once was he in the official debut lineup.” 

Some of the members visibly deflated around Chan, but no one interrupted the trainer. He was not wrong.

“He transferred companies, and is now part of Volta, a rookie group that debuted 2 days ago under Mixed Media Entertainment. At today’s Music Bank, if you come into contact with any of the members including Lee Felix, the only one of you who is permitted to engage, is Chan.” 

Jisung straightened in his chair, “We can’t even talk to him?” a few of the other members seemed put off by the new rule. Chan’s leg stilled.

The media trainer sighed and continued on, “It’s a new group from a new company, it makes them unpredictable. We can’t take risks with things that could reflect badly on the company or the group. The plan is to stay in the waiting room to deter any run ins that could result in a bad situation”

Jisung slumped in his chair, crossing his arms defeatedly. Minho’s hand reflexively went to Jisung's back to rub comforting circles.

“And what am I to say, if and when we see Felix?” Chan finally spoke up from where he was seated in the corner. The leader had a full view of all the members and staff, no one looked comfortable. 

“Smile and wave, don’t start a conversation. Congratulate them on their debut if he approaches first but we are strictly friendly with caution. Volta is not part of the JYP Family, we have no connections or deals with Mixed Media Entertainment.” 

At that, the media trainer seemed to be done with the conversation and left the room, most likely to deal with another social media emergency. Only Stray Kids and their manager remained in the room now. 

“Can you all get breakfast before we go? I have to check in with KBS before we leave, be ready to roll out at 8am.” Their manager starts to leave, already pulling out his phone to make a call, but not before doubling back and making eye contact with each member.

He points at them all in warning, “Don’t even think about it. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but stop thinking about it. Volta is off limits. We were lucky the Ateez incident didn’t go public,” As their manager speaks, he seems slightly traumatized, “I know that video still circulates between Twice and Itzy. They hold it over my head like the little demons they are.”

The boys all feigned innocence, Seungmin went as far as to hold up his hands in mock defeat. Their manager only huffs in response, finally leaving the boy group alone in the meeting room.

“Jongho started it…” Hyunjin mutters to himself, being the first to stand up and exit the room, turning down the hallway towards the dining area. 

“Itzy has that video?....” Jeongin looks at Seungmin terrified, but Seungmin only shrugs in responce.

“Those girls have blackmailed over half the company,” Changbin mumbles, pulling the two youngest members from their seats and dragging them in the direction of food. 

Minho was still rubbing circles into Jisung’s back when Chan finally left the meeting room. He walked alone, not towards anything in particular, his thoughts still swirling in his head.

Chan had rewatched the Volta debut performance over and over again these past few days. Felix, clad in dark blue overalls and a neon yellow hoodie, his eyes bright and on full display, a headband holding back his bangs. The video showed the 5 boys spinning and jumping around the stage, a fun performance with a boyish persona. It was so unlike the concept that Chan and his own team were currently promoting. 

Felix fit Volta’s concept perfectly, but Chan couldn’t get the thought of the younger idol wearing one of his own stage outfits, their leather pants and dark, shadowed eyes. 

Eventually, Chan joined the other members in the small dining area that was located on the meeting room floor. He tries to shake Volta out of his mind as he searches through the fridge and cupboards, finding nothing leftover granola bars and poptarts from whenever they had gone shopping last. Once Chan had sat down with the rest of the team he found them all eating in silence.

The mood was unusual for them, Chan goes to break the awkward silence but is beaten to the punch by their maknae, who brings up what is possibly the worst topic possible.

“I kinda want to do a concept like theirs…” The youngest admits, poking at his oats cereal.

Seungmin nods with his mouth full of bean sprout rice, “Their stage outfits look so comfy.”

Hyunjin looks up, spoon halfway to his mouth, “What’s our attire again today?” 

“Red and black leather,” vocal racha says in unison.

Chan holds back a laugh, “I think Minho and Jisung get to wear those fun harnesses today though, I talked to the stylists yesterday and they said it was their turn.” 

Jisung looks up with a mouth full of ramen, oblivious to the conversation. Minho glares from across the table, “Maybe if you didn’t produce such dark, emo sounding electro-pop, we wouldn’t have to wear tight leather and straps every comeback.” 

Chan shrugged and bites into his poptart, and Changbin wasn’t gonna pick a fight with Minho if he couldn’t help it. But Jisung looked hurt, swallowing his ramen and looking up at Minho who sits to his left.

“You don’t like the music we make?” His eyes were watery but Chan suspected it was from the spicy noodles.

Minho scowles and pokes a finger into the 3racha maknae’s cheek, pushing his face to the side. Jisung pouts, hands reaching out trying to cuddle the second oldest.

“I’ll write a pretty ballad just for you hyung, no fast words or car sirens.” Jisung fake whined into the ear of his friend, “Well… Maybe it could have a cool base drop, huh? You always like the ones I share with you when we’re-”

“Enough!” Minho pleads, nearly falling off his chair as he scoots away from the rapper, “I’ll be waiting in the lobby, someone is switching stage outfits with me today or I go to Itzy with the video of you all crying over that shitty hallmark movie from last christmas!” 

Minho leaves the dining area and Changbin looks panicked, “One of you better switch clothes,” the small rapper glares at Chan, the leader shrugs once more.

“Fine by me, if Minho wants my cropped shirts, he can have them.” 

Changbin seems content with the answer, and shuffles himself and Jisung out of their seats and towards the exit, the latter spouting off ideas for their next pop-ballad project. 

Eventually, all the members make their way to the lobby where they were piled into the van. Chan checked to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be before getting inside himself. On the drive to the KBS Hall, Minho sat next to Chan, and though he still wore the scowl from breakfast, Chan could see the underlying edge to his posture. 

Music Bank was an all day event for idols and staff, 3 rehearsals, pre-recorded performances, and live performances. Despite that, the chaos of it all was fairly organized. But there were always nerves, and today especially Chan could see the tense state that his teammates had been in when reality finally hit that they were heading to the same building their ex-teammate would be in.

The van pulled up to the main building and Chan, Minho, and Changbin got out to face the small gathering of cameras and fans. The leader looked to his left to see the maknae line getting out of the van that had pulled up behind them. He waited until all 6 members were in his line of view before they all began making their way towards the entrance. 

Once inside they were brought quickly into their waiting room as their manager signed them into the event. When the door closed and all the members collapsed into the chairs and couches lining the wall. Chan runs a hand through his hair, sinking into the chair next to Seungmin who had taken out his phone and was typing away at something. 

“They have dry rehearsal in 5 minutes,” Seungmin whispers to Chan, not looking up from his device. Chan blinked at the younger idol, but quickly shifted his attention to the TV in the corner of the room. It showed a live look at the stage, and right now, it was empty.

As if on cue, their manager comes into the room and the members look up to see him carrying their 7 body tags. “Everyone stays in this room yeah? 30 minutes till we’re on for rehearsal, be stage left in 20 with base makeup.” A few stylists come in from behind him and start to set up their stations. 

The boys slowly make their way over to the vanities that line the opposite sides of the wall. The stylists start their work, but as Chan has his face poked and prodded his eyes drift to the TV a ways away. 

It was a wide shot, so he couldn’t make out faces, but he saw sweepers clearing the stage from the last group that had been on to practice. No sign of the new rookie group. Before Chan can see if Seungmin was right, the stylist gently turns his face towards her’s again and he has to look away from the screen.

They finished makeup quickly, their actual performance was hours away so it wasn’t the finished look, simple foundation that would need to be touched up after each rehearsal. When Chan is able to look at the TV again it has been switched off, glancing over at their manager he sees the remote resting on his leg.

Chan frowns, but grabs his tag from the side table and pulls it on over his hoodie. The leader hands out the rest of the tags to his team, once ready they start to make their way to the stage. At this rate, Chan fears he won’t see Felix until they’re on stage together for the winners ceremony. If that was the case, he needed a game plan.

__________

Felix POV

Felix was breathless, and he came to the decision right then that performing live was his new favorite thing to do. His members all stood around him, but Felix’s eyes focused on the camera that was shooting the ending fairy. The middle member had been chosen for today, his freckles on full display for the close up.

When Felix sees the red recording button switch off the camera, he relaxes, listening to the cheers that surround them on stage. It’s thrilling to see them all. Sparks. The fan name that rings in his ear everyday, the name he shouts over the crowd as Hyunki tries to crowd them off the stage. Felix sees their official slogans littered throughout the crowd, homemade signs and hands waved as Volta moves stage right where they could rest from the public eye.

Hoshi throws an arm around Felix’s shoulder, the smaller member leaning into him with most of his weight. Seojun looks as if he needs to be dunked in an ice bath and Hyunki lets out a huffing laugh as he collapses into a chair. “Seojun. I promise you that whatever you are overthinking, not a single soul will notice it. Not even in a fancam close up.” 

Choi Seojun doesn’t look convinced, but Jiho pokes at the wrinkle that had formed between his worried brow, “If you keep it up this ‘worry line’ will be permenant,” the red head grumbles, “Then the stylists will hate you even more than me.”

Hoshi giggled from beside Felix, “They hate you because you have the same worry line hyung. We just call yours a ‘grumpy line.’” 

Jiho looks ready to shoot back a remark at the maknae, but determines that it’s too much work. Instead, he drops his handheld mic into its case and sits next to Hyunki, who had begun the process of checking their schedule with their manager. Volta had a few minutes of rest before they would have to go back to their waiting room to prepare for the winners ceremony. 

Music Bank was probably in the middle of an interview to break up the different performances, so the stage was dark as their set pieces were being moved off the stage. Felix still has his arm around Hoshi when he turns back around to watch, wanting to hear the crowd, to get any remaining adreniline that came from their cheering. What he saw instead was the next group to perform.

Clad in red and black, leather and straps, Stray Kids were gathered on stage. The lights were dimmed, but Felix could make out their shadowed forms as they got into their positions to perform. 

Memories flooded back into Felix’s mind, his arm going limp around Hoshi’s shoulder. Over the past two years, Felix had tried his best to leave his former teammates in the back of his mind, and for the most part it had worked. He had continued to struggle with confidence, but the support from his members had helped him through it. There were still bad days of course. Days when his mind and body shut down, when his thoughts were distressing and painful. But most of the time he had his members there to pull him to practices, to make him eat and get to bed...

But once in bed, the nights were harder. Felix didn’t like to be a bother, so when the pain got too bad, he shuffled into their living room so he wouldn’t wake his other members. Felix would sit on the couch and cry. Sometimes his tears were silent, but most nights he had to hide the sobs with a pillow held up to his face. His mind reeled and recounted his mistakes, whether they were in his vocal lessons earlier that day, or past evaluations from over two years ago. No matter how hard Felix tried to forget, the reminders of his failures still haunted him.

Hoshi nudged Felix’s side, “Hyung?” the maknae pleaded, “What’s wrong?” Felix shook his head unresponsive, eyes still trained on the shadowed group, his thoughts still pooled in the shadows of his mind. Hoshi tried pulling Felix away from the stage entrance, looking back to the others for help. 

Felix didn’t notice as his members came to his side, his attention still focused on the performers on stage as the lights went up to reveal them. He could see them, he could see their faces and hear their voices as the music started, upbeat and aggressive. Would Felix have been able to fit into that style?... Would he have held them back from this?... 

Felix’s breathing had slowly started to speed up, his breath labored as his eyes welled with tears. “Felix?” Seojun tried blocking his view from the boy group, but the younger only closed his eyes, the image now seemed etched into his mind.

Two years of Felix trying to build himself up, only to come crashing down on him when he comes face to face with this weakness. This hitch in his mental state that has been exhausting him for years.

“Lee Felix”

Felix blinks his eyes open and tears spill over and roll down his cheeks. Min Hyunki is standing in front of him, his hands gripping Felix’s shoulders hard. 

“Lets go”

It wasn’t a question. As his leader slowly guides him backwards all Felix can do is shuffle along with him. Hoshi takes the lead as his members surround him, moving out of the backstage area. The booming music becomes muffled but the voices still ring in Felix’s ears as they enter the hallway. Hyunki turns Felix around so that he is facing forward, but keeps his hands on his shoulders to keep him walking. Somehow, Felix makes it back to their waiting room on shaking legs.

Once inside, Felix is pushed into one of the soft chairs. He brings his knees to his chest and hugs them, trying to curl in on himself and disappear. His breathing is still strained, his mind still unfocused and buried somewhere unpleasant. Pathetic… Unwanted… Unworthy....

Felix feels his hands being pried from his knees and placed on the edge of the chair, next there are hands on his ankles that slowly bring his feet to the ground. Felix’s eyes are screwed shut, but tears still escape and fall to the ground as his head lolls forward. 

“Felix. Lee Felix. Open your eyes,” Hyunki’s voice sounds muffled, but Felix tries, he really does. He goes to rub at his eyes, but Hyunki grabs his wrist before he can bring his hand up to wipe the tears. “If you rub them, you’ll ruin your makeup more than you already have.” 

Felix nods, and tries to apologize, but the word gets caught in his throat, a small sob escaping instead. “Just breath Felix. Take a breath with me.” Felix tries to focus on Hyunki’s voice, the room is silent. With his eyes still closed he assumes it’s empty. Felix hears his leader inhale, he tries to do the same.

Hyunki takes Felix’s hands from where they are gripping the edge of the seat and rubs soft circles with his thumbs as they continue breathing in tandem. After a few more breaths, Felix is able to slowly open his eyes. He blinks away a few more tears he sees Min Hyunki crouches in front of him, the room is empty.

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispers, his voice shaky and frail. “I didn’t think… I didn’t know…” Hyunki nods and threads his fingers into Felix’s, extending them wide from where they had gone stiff. 

“It’s okay, everything is okay, you were just caught off guard.” Hyunki’s voice is soothing to his ears, a voice that had calmed Felix many times before when he had been found in similar states back at their dorm. “The others are outside, Hoshi did a good job stopping any panic among the staff and team, you’d be proud.”

Felix laughs at that. A broken sound that still quivers as it leaves his throat. Hyunki always does a good job at distracting Felix from his thoughts, and Hoshi has always been good at distracting anyone from anything. “I’m sorry,” Felix repeats, not ready to try out any new words yet. 

Hyunki sighs and stands up from where he was crouching. He then pushes Felix’s shoulders so that he is leaning back in the chair, his airways opening up and making it easier to breathe. The rookie leader takes the seat in the chair beside him. 

Felix stares at the ceiling, still trying to blink away tears when Hyunki speaks from beside him, “We have a few minutes before staff comes back inside, do we have a plan for what you are going to do at the winners ceremony?”

Felix’s eyes widen, caught off guard by the sudden realisation that he would have to be on stage with his ex-teammates. “I’ll be okay,” he tries to reason, “I’ll be more prepared.” 

Hyunki takes one of Felix's hands again and grips it tight, “We’ll be in the front of the stage. Just try to focus on the team, the Sparks, or anything that keeps you head in the game.” Felix nods as he comes to terms with his new reality, a reality where faces from his past could no longer be blocked out or concealed from view. Instead, Felix would keep his eyes forward towards what mattered to him.

Hyunki looks like he might say something else, but the train of thought is lost when Seojun’s head pops through the door from across the room. “We have 30 minutes until the winner's ceremony headcount, are his eyes puffy?” 

Hyunki lets out a noise of exasperation but Felix manages another laugh, careful to not reflexively wipe at the remaining tears as they both stand up from their chairs. Seojun’s lack of empathy isn’t for lack of trying, but it definitely comes in handy when one of the members is having a rough day. Hyunki pinches the bridge of his nose as sarcasm drips from his next words, “Lee Felix’s eyes will be fine, let’s all get these touch ups out of the way so we’re not late for the headcount that makes or breaks Seojun’s success as an idol.” 

Seojun nods and pulls Hoshi and Jiho back into the room, both sporting their best awkward smiles. “Early is on time, on time is late,” Seojun says as he pulls the younger idols past them towards the makeup tables, “And Jiho’s hair needs re-crimping.” Felix hears Jiho mumbling his complaints on the matter as he passes by.

Hyunki glances over at Felix, who is now wearing his own awkward smile, trying his best to pretend everything is okay, “I think Jiho would like Stray Kids’s concepts a little more than ours,” Felix tried the boy group's name out in his mouth, figuring if he really did need to get used to seeing his past team more, he might as well be able to talk about them. It doesn’t stop Hyunki’s smile from faltering, but his leader seems to understand the step that he is trying to take.

“Maybe one day he’ll get to try it out. Besides, I still have many more comebacks to make before I’m through with you four.” Hyunki nudges Felix towards the makeup chairs and they both sit down as their stylists come back into the room to begin their touch ups. 

Felix’s eyes weren’t in the best shape, but the stylist did what she could to even out his skin from where it had become reddened and blotchy. His freckles disappeared behind the new layer of foundation, and soon enough Felix was back to being the smooth idol that the cameras were so used to.

His stylist apologized about the loss of the freckles, “Sorry, we usually try to keep them visible, but the skin had reddened too much.” She adjusted the headband Felix wore before stepping back and inspecting her work. “You look good as new though.” Felix thanked the stylists, grateful for them not asking questions on why Felix had been panicking only a few minutes earlier. 

Soon enough, it was 10 minutes till the winners ceremony, and Choi Seojun was an idol who liked to be on time. All five members made their way back to the stage doors where other groups had begun to gather. As they walked, Hoshi held tight to Felix’s hand, and Volta seemed to have unconsciously formed a circle around their middle member. When they got backstage Hoshi pulled Felix close and searched his eyes. Ever since Felix had met their maknae, he had always known Takara Hoshi as intrinsically happy. So many hard days were cured when their main vocalist found ways to find joy in the worst situations.

“Sometimes…” Hoshi whispered, the softest of smiles gracing his lips, “Sometimes the best thing to do when you hurt, is to face the thing that pains you, and make it into your strength.” 

Felix studied his friend, Hoshi’s curly hair was styled to the front of his face, but from underneath the bangs he saw his eyes glint with understanding. Hoshi continued on, “Maybe… The best thing you can do is reconnect.”

Felix dropped his gaze, scuffing his shoes on the concrete as he thought the words over. The best thing you can do is reconnect. As if it were that simple. As if his ex-teammates even wanted to see him. Did they even know Felix had debuted? Did they know he had left JYP? Did they wonder where he had gone? When Felix had blocked their numbers two years ago, he had thought it to be in the best interest for both parties. Felix had needed them to let him go, he had needed Chan to know that it was okay he was being left behind. 

Felix had stepped away from those boys he once clung to... Was it okay to step back?

Jiho came up beside Felix and pushed his way to the front of their single file line. “Let’s get this over with already, I have a new netflix series that’s calling my name back at the dorm.” 

Hoshi seemed to be drawn out of his wholehearted mood by this, “Hyuuung, you said you would help me with my math homework?” The maknae pouted and hugged the rapper from behind. 

“You had hours in the waiting room to finish that work today, it’s not my fault you decided to play Animal Crossing instead,” Jiho tried shrugging off Hoshi’s arms, but the younger just hugged tighter.

Soon, a stage manager came around to each group and told them to get ready to go. The last pre-recorded performance was most likely playing as all the idols were being shuffled onto the stage for the ceremony. Volta was nominated for 1st place on the K-Charts, so they were to be in the front of the stage, putting them close to the back of the order in which they would go on.

Felix did his best to not let his eyes focus on any one thing as they made their way onto the stage, listening to what Hyunki had told him and sticking close to his members. The cheering crowd in front of them was far away, but Felix could feel their energy as they faced forward, the lights flashing on to give them warning that soon the cameras would be live again. Hyunki and Hoshi stood on either side of Felix, they all held hands as the MC’s began their ending speeches. 

Felix kept his face forward as they went through and listed the different performances that day, schooling his expressions to smiles and grins for the cameras and crowd.

“And now it’s time to see the K-Chart winners for the second week of August. Between Itzy and Volta. Who will win? Please show us the scores.”

Hoshi squeezed Felix’s hand as the numbers rolled across the screen, each finger pressing into his hand in a pattern, something he always did when nervous. Hoshi’s habits were one of the things Felix loved most about the young idol. 

Felix watches as the numbers added up. Digital singles, viewer preferences, airtime frequency, album sales, all things that went into the making of a successful group. The numbers tallied, and confetti burst as Volta’s score came out on top. 

Seojun covered his mouth as Hoshi squealed, jumping up and down with Felix’s hand still clutched in his. Felix laughs, partly from shock, partly from their reactions. Jiho is smiling, looking at Hyunki as he accepts the award from the MCs and takes the mic to make the speech that is expected from them. But Felix is at a loss for words as the crowd continues to cheer for them. 

Hoshi grapples Felix into a hug, and Felix crushed the younger with his own embrace. They spin around, and distantly hear their leader try and thank those who need thanking. Felix is facing towards the back of the stage when he makes eye contact with one of the groups that are slowly shuffling off the stage.

Stray Kids, still wearing their shiny leather outfits, are all looking at Felix. Every member wears a smile that expresses a complete sense of joy. Felix doesn’t have time to react as Hoshi spins him around again and leads him back towards the front of the stage from where they had strayed from. 

Felix is handed a microphone as their winning song plays over the speakers again, and as he looks at his other members, all of their eyes are wet and shiny. Felix is in the same boat, his eyes stinging with tears for the second time that day.

They perform their song, or try to, they take breaks to cheer along with the crowd and dance around the stage. Jiho raps his part with a new sense of pride, Hyunki sings all out with Hoshi. Felix and Seojun do their made up dance they choreographed for the chorus during one of their late night dance practices. They celebrate in every sense of the word for their first music show win, and when Felix looks around the stage again where he had seen his ex-members, it’s empty. 

The song ends and Volta bows, thanking the staff, fans, and anyone around them as they make their way their way off stage. 

All five of them grab a hold of each other in a big hug as they finally make their way out of the public eye. Their foreheads pressed together as they all shed tears of exhaustion, triumph, exhilaration... Seojun is the first to speak when they all finally catch their breath. “Technically, the odds were not in our favor with Music Banks point system, I’m not quite sure how we did it...” 

Hoshi laughs into Jiho’s shoulder, “I changed my mind, Seojun hyung can help me with my math homework tonight.”

“Good, I didn’t want to help you anyway,” Jinho mumbles back, putting the younger in a headlock and ruffling his hair. Hoshi squeals and tries to run away and Jiho sprints after him, back towards their waiting room where they would soon need to pack up and head back to the company building.

“No running!” Hyunki shouts after them, but the two youngest had already turned the corner. Sighing, their leader turns back to the two remaining members as he starts to backpedal towards the door, “Make sure you two get back to the waiting room soon? I’m gonna go make sure Jiho doesn’t ruin Hoshi’s hair before we can take our last round of selfies for the day.” With that, Hyunki chases the Volta maknaes out the door.

Seojun wipes the remaining tears from his face as he turns towards Felix, “Are my eyes red? I’m no good for pictures after I cry.” The center takes out his phone and checks his appearance with his camera. 

Felix shakes his head and turns back to the stage, now dark and littered with bright yellow confetti, “Hyung, you're ready for pictures at any time of day, I wouldn’t worry.” Seojun hums in response, but Felix could tell he would need convincing later on regardless. 

As Felix’s eyes are still trained on the stage, he hears Seojun speak up from behind him, “Hey Felix, they say we shouldn’t have anything in our pockets when we are out on stage, just remember that for next time.”

Felix turns around to face him confused, patting his hoodie’s patch on his tummy, “I always empty my pockets?” Seojun shrugs and looks pointedly to the back pockets of Felix’s blue overalls. When he reaches around and stuffs his hands in, his fingers curl around a piece of paper. 

“I’ll meet you back at the waiting room, don’t get kidnapped or Hyunki hung will cut off my ponytail while I sleep.” Seojun turns, leaving the younger member backstage.

Felix looks at the paper that is folded in his hands, positive that he wasn’t the one to put it there. He slowly opens it up, expecting stage directions and schedule planning that must have gotten lost in the commotion of the day. Instead, a phone number is written out in neat handwriting with a sentence scrawled out below it that makes Felix’s stomach drop.

XXX-XXX-XXXX  
'If you ever wanted your pillow back, give me a call?' 

__________

Chan POV

Chan was trying to stay awake. To do so, he was blaring music through his headphones, sitting in an empty meeting room with only his laptop to keep him company. Only hours before, he had finished a vlive with 3racha where they had started their ballad project Jisung had become adamant about. 

But Jisung and Changbin had long since left the building to go back to the dorm, Chan had stayed behind to tidy up their thoughts and ideas. He dazedly dropped different tracks into different sections where the three of them would easily be able to review them later. He was delaying sleep, but it wasn’t new for the producer to spend late nights in the company building.

Chan yawned as he listened to a slow, stuttering beat, resting his chin on his fist. His eyes glanced to his phone, which remained silent and dark. It had been risky to tuck the message into Felix’s back pocket while on stage, but in the end, twitter hadn’t exploded, and neither had their manager. You were lucky. 

So no one had seen the slip. Chan was lucky in that sense. But as he sat there and watched his phone, he didn’t feel lucky. He clicked the music off on his laptop and slumped into his chair. Maybe Felix hadn't found the note, maybe it had gotten lost in the wash, or thrown away with only a passing glance.

It was stupid, Chan knew it was stupid. But he had hoped that Felix hadn't forgotten about them. The team, the company, the late nights and their soft english chats. All things Chan still had, but… did Felix? 

When Chan had watched Volta as they performed at the winners ceremony, it had been like a firecracker had been set off. They jumped and sang all around the stage, Felix doing trendy dances and laughing when he sang his verse, people cheering for his low voice. So, I guess Felix had found ways to replace them, he had been able to put Chan and the others in the past.

Stray Kids had cheered on their performance though, as much as they could at least. All of them had watched from backstage after they had gotten off to give the rookie group the spotlight. Seungmin had already learned the words to the song and was singing along, Hyunjin was mimicking their killing move during the chorus. Despite trying to show their support, before the song had ended their manager had forced them out of the backstage. Their staff rushing them to the waiting room so they could evacuate KBS Hall as soon as possible. 

So now Chan sat alone at the company building, hoping and waiting that the risk he took on stage hadn’t been for nothing. But as the hours past and the night became early morning, Chan seemed ready to give up. His eyes were slowly getting heavier as he leaned over and closed his laptop. Crossing his arms over the table, Chan laid his head down on the meeting room table, ready to nap for a few hours before their practice in the morning. 

Chan rested there for what could not have been more than 10 minutes, lost in thought as he tried to calm his mind enough to fall asleep. But as his mind seemed to slowly pull away from his body, his thoughts came crashing into themselves when he heard the rumble of a phone notification shake the table.

Chan jolted up, a line of drool had streaked down his chin and his hair had curled into a mess. Slightly dazed, he looks at his phone and sees a new message from an unknown number. When Chan looks closer to read the message, his heart stops.

‘Hello?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't I say they were going to meet in this chapter? Silly me... 
> 
> They are such awkward note writers/texters.
> 
> Get ready for some interesting text conversations next time around.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has texting!  
> Chan's messages all have a dash when he speaks
> 
> -I am Chan, aussie aussie aussie!
> 
> Felix has the little squiggle line
> 
> ~I am Felix, oi oi oi!
> 
> Two characters are kinda harassed in this chapter, so if that makes you uncomfy please skip to the last few paragraphs of the chapter when you see Felix go and get dinner with Hoshi.

Chan POV

~ Hello?

It was close to 5am when Chan saw the text from the unknown number. Chan had 2 hours until their morning practice, a dance rehearsal for their upcoming album repackage. It had been taking up most of Chan’s thoughts these past few weeks. But that had all changed 4 days ago, now his thoughts were focused on the new rookie boy group and their australian born lead dancer. 

Chan picked up and read the message over and over again. The number was unknown, which made sense. When Chan debuted, all the members had gotten new phones and were only allowed to keep certain numbers from their old ones. Felix had probably done the same.

_ ~Hello?  _

_ Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? _

What was Chan supposed to say? Was it really Felix texting him? His head spun with all the possibilities of how his plan could have gone wrong. The worst case scenario was Felix’s company getting a hold of the note and finding out who had sent it, making trying to communicate with Felix a lot harder. So was it best to play it safe and keep his identity a secret? Or would that end their conversation with Felix before it even started?

Taking a chance, Chan begins typing in the carefully crafted text. He rubbed sleep from his eyes as he pressed the send button with shaking fingers.

-Hello! Felix?

-I Have your pillow!

Chan banged his head on the table, feeling his face burn red from embarrassment. The  _ pillow.  _ The pillow that Felix had left behind in the trainee dorms when he had transferred companies. Chan kept it underneath his bed, he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of it no matter how much he tried to let go of Felix. 

Rubbing his cheeks trying to get his blush to go away, Chan watched as the thought bubble came up indicating that Felix was typing.

~ I’m Felix

~ I don’t need the pillow back, I got a new one

Chan picks up the phone and restrains from spinning around the room with joy. He was talking to  _ Lee Felix,  _ the small idol he had seen jump around the stage hours before was texting  _ him _ . Chan didn’t realize a new text had come through from Felix until his brain had stopped imagining pictures of the rookie in his blue overalls  _ flossing _ on stage during his winners ceremony performance.

~ Who is this?

Running a hand through his hair Chan quickly responds with his name, hoping that this wouldn’t backfire on him. That this really was Felix he was texting.

-It’s Chan

-Chris Bang :)

~ Oh.

Oh  _ indeed _ . Chan waited for a different response for a few moments, hoping that Felix would have some other reaction. 2 minutes pass before Chan gives up and tries to keep the conversation going. 

-How are you? How have you been?

Chan finally stands up from his chair, needing to get up and walk around. To do  _ something _ other than stare at his phone and  _ wait _ . He stuffs his laptop into his bag and exits the empty meeting room into the hallway, also empty. It was early in the morning, and Chan assumes Felix had just woken up. Chan on the other hand had been up all night, unable to sleep while he waited for any sort of response from his ex-teammate. 

Walking down the hallway, he heads towards the practice room where his team would be having their morning practice. Chan stares at the thought bubble as Felix types, his steps faltering when a text is finally sent through.

~ I’m good

~ Been really busy lately 

Opening the door to the practice room, Chan smiles. Felix must be in the middle of interviews and variety shows of all kinds. Chan remembers feeling overwhelmed when Stray Kids had debuted, always on edge and feeling as if he was being watched at all times. Those feelings never really went away, but Chan learned safe places where he could go, and different ways of calming his nerves when he felt shaky. 

-I bet! You looked really good on stage yesterday.

As Chan sat down by the speaker system, he felt his ears get hot. He could feel the awkwardness of the conversation. Chan couldn’t see inside Felix’s mind like he used to, and it irked him. On a whim, he feels his fingers type out a short text

-I missed you

How Felix would take this, Chan didn’t know. It wasn’t a lie, he  _ did  _ miss Felix. Felix had given Chan a piece of home when he had so badly been homesick. He had learned how to go without the younger idol, but maybe he could get Felix back. Maybe Felix could accept Chan back into his life, if it is only to text back and forth when their schedules allowed. Maybe one day, they could set up a meeting in person... 

Felix texted back a few moments later.

~ I have to go to practice now 

Chan let out a breath, slumping onto the hardwood floor and looking up at the ceiling. Chan had always thought he was good at talking to people,  _ especially _ Felix. But now…. Perhaps Felix was different. A new, grown up version of the boy Chan had once trained with. If that was the case, Chan wanted to get to know this new Felix. Chan wanted to be a part of his life again, even if it’s different from before.

-Okay, talk later?

It took ten minutes for Chan to give up on Felix responding. He laid there in the dark practice room and thought over his plan. His plan to relearn Lee Felix and everything that came with him. If only Felix would let him in again. 

Felix POV

Felix spun and landed in a low crouch next to Seojun, their fingers brushed like they always did as they quickly moved into their next position in the dance formation. Their dance instructor counted them off into the next set of moves and Felix took a breath in preparation before executing the sequence with practiced precision. Months of preparation made this dance come like second nature, and Felix still loved it as much as when he had first learned it. 

Hoshi giggled from beside Felix and tried singing along to his verse that played over the speakers. The notes were too low for the maknae, so Hoshi added his own harmony to the lyrics, not missing a beat in the dance as they moved into the next formation. Felix stood front and center, the footwork in the bridge being his specialty, having added his own twist to it when learning it with the choreographers. 

_ ‘-You looked really good on stage yesterday’ _

His feet fumble the 7th and 8th count in the sequence. Their dance instructor said as much as she continued to count off the beats. Felix shrugged off the sudden nerves and set to focus on the last half of the song, trying to let all thought go and center in on the last half of the dance. 

Each step twist and turn brought Felix more and more into the little space in his head where he didn’t have to think about real life. Instead, he could dance and move and shake off those thoughts that plague him. But the songs always end, and as he stands in the last pose of the choreography, his mind wanders back to his early morning conversation with a certain Stray Kids leader. 

_ ‘-I missed you’ _

Felix closes his eyes and relaxes his body as they are dismissed from their dance practice. He stands there and feels the 4 bodies around him shuffle around to different corners of the room. When Felix opens his eyes, he sees Min Hyunki watching him from across the room with quiet consideration. The older member had slowly grown to know Felix’s tells, but Felix couldn’t be bothered to keep eye contact before his mind wandered back to the mistake he had made a few minutes earlier in their routine.

Felix looks down at his feet and slowly moves through the choreo he had fumbled with the lower half of his body. Each step moved perfectly into the next, he had made sure of it when he had helped put the moves together. Felix’s legs slowly did each kick, slide and turn, his hands stuffed in his pockets to keep them out of the way as he focused on the mistake he had made with his footwork. The dancer worked through it three times at a slow tempo before speeding up the bpm in his mind to something close to the tempo of the actual song. Each runthrough had his mind repeating how it could be better, smoother, more acceptable. 

It wasn’t until his breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused that he realized the practice room was empty, and the lights had been shut off. Felix took his hands out of his pockets, seeing his fingers had turned white from where he had been gripping them too tight. 

“Do you think you have that part down yet?” A voice echoed from behind him, and Felix spun to see Hyunki sitting against the wall opposite of the mirror. In the corner, he had remained unnoticed, “It’s been 20 minutes, Lee Felix.”

Felix lets out a low, breathless sound in response, untensing his hands and looking down at the little indents in his palms left by his nails. Hyunki got up and walked over to where Felix was standing. Before he knew what was happening, Hyunki kicked the back of Felix’s knees, causing the younger to let out a cry as he fell to the ground. “Idol training 101 Lee Felix, don’t lock your legs while on stage.” Felix rubs his knees as his attacker comes and sits with him face to face. 

“We wear shorts tomorrow hyung, I can’t have bruised knees,” Felix pouted, shifting so he was sitting cross legged like Hyunki was, still rubbing at his sore joints. Hyunki humms and takes his hands. Felix tries pulling back but the older idol holds his wrists firm and looks at his palms, looking at the small marks that still marred the soft skin. 

“You’re trying to distract yourself with a dance you’ve had perfected for months, what’s the problem?” Hyunki is speaking to Felix but as he speaks his eyes stay glued to his hands. It let’s the younger member breathe a little easier. The touch on his wrists doesn't help though. It keeps Felix grounded with Hyunki, when he would much rather get lost in his head with another round of pointless dance practice. 

_ ‘-How are you? How have you been?’ _

Felix had been  _ great _ , he thought he had been flourishing with his team’s debut.  _ That’s _ what he had wanted to tell Chan. But more and more, the same feelings that had been tormenting him for the past two years had been coming back. The same feelings that he thought would disappear when he officially debuted, but had instead only gotten worse. 

The past 5 days have been a strange mix of dream and nightmare. As Felix thought of the text conversation he had this morning, he wasn’t sure what to classify it as. Chan had not been part of Felix’s dream when he thought of his debut, how could he be? Chan was something that had slipped through his fingers. 

But Chan was also one of the only things that had brought Felix back from his nightmares when they had trained together. Did Felix want to bring Chan into his life again?

“I talked with Hoshi before the winners ceremony yesterday…” Felix started simple, those words coming easy as the good memories of their win floods his mind. Hyunki smiled and squeezed his hands reassuringly, urging him to continue. “He said that sometimes, taking the thing that pains you and making it your strength is the best thing you can do...”

Hyunki tilted his head to the side in consideration, looking up from their hands and searching Felix’s eyes. Felix had learned from Hyunki that not all problems have the same solution. Being the leader of Volta, Min Hyunki had to deal with all sorts of issues from Felix and the other three members, and he learned that no one member can be solved any one way. Felix had watched as Hyunki calmed Seojun with assuring him his effort was better than his evaluation scores. When Jiho was feeling overwhelmed with large gatherings and long work days, Hyunki could coax the small idol with promises of relaxing solitude. Hyunki could always sooth Hoshi when he struggled to find his confidence, showing him twitter hashtags of their fans showing their fondness of the little maknae. 

Felix’s leader seemed to have a list of ways to help each of them, and Felix often wondered if he kept notes on them. If Hyunki  _ did _ keep notes, Felix knew what would be written under his name.

The first time Hyunki had found Felix alone in the living room, Felix had been hugging a couch pillow, sobbing into the rough cushion to keep quiet. When the older member had taken Fellix into his arms to comfort him, He had immediately relaxed into the embrace. Hyunki probably learned then and there that Felix needed  _ touch  _ more than any of the other members. 

Simple touches and crushing hugs, it had always calmed Felix more than anything. And Hyunki knew that as he held Felix’s hands on the practice room floor,  _ this _ was his solution. 

“Hoshi also said it may be best to reconnect...” Felix forced the words out, knowing how they could be taken in many different ways. Stray Kids had been a source of stress for Felix that Hyunki was well aware of. Over their year of training, Hyunki had most likely developed an unconscious bias against the leather clad boy group, simply because of the grief it had caused Felix. Felix has tried his best to explain how he doesn’t resent his old team, blaming his elimination on his lack of confidence rather than his old teammates. Despite this, Hyunki still seemed to have a disagreeable opinion of the 7 idols. 

Hyunki kept his eyes on Felix and gauged his reaction, “Is that what you want to do?” 

Felix isn’t sure. Texting Chan this morning had been... Awkward. But Felix also thinks it’s one of the most amazing things to happen to him since Volta. To talk with Chan. For Chan to tell him he looked  _ good _ on stage.  _ Really good.  _ Was it possible to make Chan part of his life again? 

Hyunki watches the thoughts run across Felix’s face in hopes of finding another solution that is better than his hands holding Felix’s. His brows furrow, Felix sees him think over what to say, “I only want you to be happy, Felix. If you think reconnecting is what is best for you, then I support you through and through.” 

Felix knew he couldn’t tell Hyunki about having Chan’s number. Not yet. Their company is careful about their communications with other idols, so Felix was safest by keeping the number to himself. But knowing Hyunki supports reconnection between him and his old team made Felix’s feeling feel at least a little more valid. Now Felix knows that this was reasonable, at least by some standards.

Felix sighs, collapsing into Hyunki and laying his head on top of his leaders crossed legs. Hyunki slowly pets Felix’s hair as they relax into the quiet of the dark practice room, waiting for the next scheduled event in their busy schedule. 

The two idols sit there for as long as possible before their phones buzz simultaneously as Seojun texts their group chat. A simple message from the long haired teammate, urging them to not be late for their vocal lessons. Hyunki laughs at the message, but Felix grumbles and rolls off of his legsonto his stomach. 

“Choi Seojun won’t let us get away with anything, will he?” Hyunki smiles down at Felix as he gets to his feet. 

Felix hums his agreement but stays where he is on the ground, eyes glued to his phone where Chan’s last message had been sent.

-Okay, talk later?

“When are we done today, hyung?” Felix asks, looking over to where Hyunki is picking up their bags and discarded hoodies. 

“I think 5 right? We have vocals, lunch, expressions practice and then the interview with that magazine Jiho really likes.” Hyunki throws Felix his hoodie and shoulders both of their travel bags. Felix nods and looks back down at his phone, his hoodie now half covering his view where it had landed on him. He thought over the conversation he had with Hyunki before texting Chan back.

~ Talk later! My schedule is over at 7 :)

Felix expelled a sigh as he sent off the text, finally feeling content with his decision. Standing up, Felix pulls on his hoodie and follows Hyunki out the room. Hyunki gives a side hug to Felix as they walk down the hallway, making their way to the recording studio where their vocal coach would be. Felix hugs back, clearing his head of any extra stress and preparing for the upcoming day. 

Throughout the day, Felix  _ does _ keep his head clear. Jiho and Hoshi keep his mind on their interview. Jiho being excited because it’s from one of his favorite media sources, and Hoshi excited because Jiho is so energetic. When the interview does happen, Felix finds himself enjoying himself. Whether it’s from the constant high of their first week of debut, or the fun that he sees the maknae line having, it brings a smile to his face. And the smile stays there afterwards when the group goes and gets dinner from their favorite kimchi shop. It was a good day, and Felix felt the panic from yesterday's Music Bank show finally shake off his shoulders.

When everyone gets back to the dorm, they all take showers and dive into their respective spots in the flat. Hoshi takes up a spot on the couch where he curls into his animal crossing game. Hyunki sits next to the maknae, scrolling through emails filled with their plans for the coming days. Jiho hides out in the bedroom he shares with Hoshi, and Seojun goes and sits in the living room to continue reading the book he found in their Music Bank waiting room from yesterday. 

Felix would normally go and sit in the armchair that was positioned across from the couch, but instead opts to go into the room he shares with Seojun and Hyunki. Flopping onto his bed, Felix takes out his phone and opens up his messages. When he looks at his recent texts, a message from Chan already waiting for him.

-I feel lied to, idols are always late nowadays :(

Felix frowned and looked to the clock mounted to the wall beside him. The time read 7:05. 

~Are you upset because I’m 5 minutes late? 

~5 minutes late to a text conversation?

-I take my text conversations very seriously.

-Especially when those conversations involve very important people.

Felix smiled despite himself.

~ What makes me so important?

A thought bubble pops up as Chan begins to type, but disappears quickly. Felix watches as Chan seems to not be able to find the right words to say, before finally a short text is sent through.

-Where should I start?

Felix’s heart skips a beat, and he realizes with a start that he’s missed Chan. Chan, who had remained a pipe dream for so long, was finally part of his life again. Maybe not physically, which, in a way mattered to Felix, but this seemed like enough.

Felix realized he hadn't texted back, and quickly types a response to quell the blush that had started to rise on his cheeks. 

~ Don’t start

~ Please, the list is too long!

-Don’t I know it ;)

~Well, maybe you could name a few on this important list?

-Hmm…

-Well…

Felix pouted, squinting at the phone and watching the thought bubble as he waited for a response. 

-You have become quite an important dancer haven’t you?

~I think you mean the main dancer of the rookie boy group Volta?

-Oh yeah, I think I read that on a Kprofile somewhere. That’s you?

Felix considers responding with a red faced, angry emoji, but as he stretched his phone above his head, his face was red for a completely different reason than anger. He blushed from ear to ear, thinking of how Chan and the others had probably read his idol profile, reading and watching the different video’s of his debut. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, and perhaps embarrassed  _ wasn’t _ what he was feeling...

Felix was proud of his debut, and maybe that was what it was.  _ Pride _ . His former teammates could see how far he had come from his elimination, how he had made it to where they are despite his odds.

~That’s me

Chan sends an emoji with a beaming smile and, to Felix’s horror, a gif of Felix from his debut showcase, clad in his neon yellow hoodie and overalls. The gif was of Felix giving the camera a completely smoldering look, a snapshot moment that had most definitely circulated around twitter. Felix could feel the embarrassed blush take the place of whatever had reddened his face from before. 

~That is also me… 

-All of us our jealous of your comfy stage outfits by the way

~ I am not jealous of yours

-No? I think you’d rock some tight leather pants ;)

~And I think you’d look awful in my overalls ;)

-Sooo meeeean!

A knock on the door knocks the smile off of Felix’s face. “Come in,” Felix calls out, clicking off his phone and laying it on his chest. Seojun enters the room, calling out a hello before falling into the bottom bunk across the room, almost immediately falling asleep. Hyunki enters a few moments later, clicking off the main light to the room and starting his climb into the top bunk where he sleeps above Seojun.

“Early morning, early bedtime,” Hyunki peers over at Felix, who nods and reaches to turn the switch to his table lamp. 

“Goodnight,” Felix calls to the two members across the room, opening his phone to text Chan one last time.

~ Talk tomorrow? I have an early morning.

-Tomorrow sounds great.

Felix sleeps, and has one of the most restful nights he's had in a long time. He has no nightmares, no insistent worries or feelings of insignificance. And the next day, Felix wakes refreshed and prepared for the day. For the next week, it’s as if the simple exchanging of words that Felix and Chan share are keeping him on Cloud 9.

Felix and Chan fall into easy conversation throughout their scheduled events and long days. It feels  _ nice _ to talk to Chan again, and Felix finds it surprisingly easy to dodge topics and conversations they weren’t ready to have. Instead, he tells Chan about the little things he is learning how to do as an idol. Like airports, and navigating through crowds of fans. Chan gives him different pointers on different situations, all things that Felix hasn’t heard from his own media trainers. 

Chan also makes Felix feel as if he is back home again. They text in english, which allows Felix to relax more into their conversations. Felix hadn’t been able to speak his native language with anyone for a long time. Hyunki tried his hardest while they did their lessons, but they hadn’t had time to practice since their debut. But Chan sent him beautiful words, words Felix had thought he might have forgotten.

Felix goes through the rest of his first week of promotion with ease. His members encourage him with hugs, nudges and smiles. While Chan keeps him going behind the scenes with soft compliments with each stage performance Felix completes. The more Felix texts Chan, the more he feels better about reconnecting with him. Maybe Hoshi had been right, maybe this reconnection is what Felix had needed.

Felix sits on the couch of their dorm and texts Chan about their last dance practice, letting him know they had started refreshing their choreography for their b-side track promotions. 

-Are your stage outfits still going to be just as comfy?

~Are you still jealous?

-Always! ;)

Felix fidgets in his seat and looks up to see Hoshi putting on a hoodie and face mask. “Are you leaving?” he calls out to the maknae, clicking off his phone and looking around for any of the other members. “Alone?”

“Just to get some dinner, I’ll be real quick. Want anything?” Hoshi called over Felix, but the older idol was already standing up and grabbing his jacket from the coat hanger.

“I’ll come with you. You shouldn’t be out alone,” Felix shrugged on his jacket as Hoshi pulled his hood over his mop of tawny curls, pouting.

“I can take care of myself, hyung,” Hoshi mumbled, opening the front door. Unlike Felix, the maknae had always been fairly independent. But Felix still worried when any of them left the apartment. Perhaps it was irrational, but new found that fame came with tricky consequences. 

“I know, but I don’t trust you to get my order right,” Felix pockets his phone into his jacket and heads out the door and down the stairs to the exit of their building. Hoshi reaches up and pulls Felix’s hood on as they exit the building, and they both shrug their shoulders to bring their collars up to cover their faces as much as possible. It was monsoon season in Seoul, and the sun had already gone down. As they made their way out into the humid air Felix threw an arm around the smaller boy and hugged him close as they walked. 

“Where to,Takara Hoshi?” Felix questions. Hoshi shrugs off his arm, shimmying away from and bouncing on his toes as he walks. Felix could not make out any expression due to the face mask and hood, but he could envision Hoshi with a grin on his face at being able to choose their dinner spot. 

“Sushi!” The younger member looks up at Felix, eyes shining bright under the street lights. Felix nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets and nudging them in the direction of the sushi shop on the street. Hoshi’s steps are light on the sidewalk as they walk, and Felix takes his phone out to let Chan know he has gone to get dinner.

~ Getting sushi with the maknae

Chan responds with the sushi emoji surrounded by yellow hearts. Felix rolls his eyes as they continue down the street. When they reach the sushi shop, Hoshi places an order to go. As they wait, the two idols keep their heads down and shoulders close. Hoshi hums a tune and plays a game on his phone, while Felix keeps his eyes up, scanning the night crowd as people pass by.

Felix feels relaxed until his eyes make contact with two figures from across the street. He feels his stomach drop, noticing the camera slung around the neck of one of the shadows. “Hoshi. Time on sushi?”

Hoshi glances at the people making their food across the counter, “2 minutes. Got somewhere to be?” 

Felix turned to Hoshi, losing eye contact but keeping the figures in his peripheral vision. “Nowhere to be, just real hungry.” Hoshi smiled, and Felix tried to make his own smile convincing. He could see the figures start to move towards them. Doubt filled Felix’s mind. They could just be tourists, people who like to take pictures of anything. And if they were there to take pictures of them, maybe they wouldn’t bother them. 

But they were getting closer. And Felix and Hoshi were without any protection. Felix turned to the workers as they handed Hoshi over the boxes of sushi, he gave a short bow for their thanks. “Time to go,” he murmurs, taking the maknae by the arm and guiding him away from the store and down the dim lit street.

Hoshi tries to pull away, holding the sushi boxes under his arm, “Hey, watch the grip hyung-”

“Sorry, I’m really hungry,” Felix glances behind him and sees the figures turn to follow them. He was hoping they could get back to the dorm before anything happened, but they were getting closer. Felix’s hand gripped tighter.

“Ya! You are only hungry so you can go home and text your girlfriend!” Hoshi tries to pull away again. Felix’s steps stumble and he looks at his teammate, still trying to pull him along down the road towards their dorm.

“Girlfriend?-” Felix is trying to figure out what Hoshi could mean, but all too soon a hand closes over both of their shoulders. 

“Excuse us, but we have a few questions.”

Felix and Hoshi still as they are slowly pulled by their shoulders so that they are facing the two men that had been following them. “We’re just some journalists who want to know more about the new boy group from your apartment building. Are you familiar with them?” 

Felix can feel the glare from underneath Hoshi’s hood as he starts to speak, “I’m sorry, but we can’t answer any questions right now.” Hoshi tries pulling away from the man holding his shoulder, but the grip remains firm.

“Hey, it’s okay. We just want to talk,” the man holding Felix’s shoulder slides his hand around his back and holds him close to his side, “Felix right? What’s it like to finally debut after getting kicked from Stray Kids 2 years ago? Do you still talk with your former teammates? Still buddies?” 

Felix cringes, trying to break free from the reporter's grip, “I’m sorry, we have to go.” The reporter frowned, trying to keep his hold on the rookie idol as his fingers dug into his bicep, keeping Felix pinned to his torso.

“Your korean has gotten so much better too, do you think getting eliminated taught you about how to finally know what it takes to be an idol?” Felix ducks and spins, dodging away from the grip and reaching for Hoshi who was still being held by the second man. Before Felix can reach out his wrist is yanked back, he feels pain shoot through his arm.

Hoshi tries to break free too, lunging away and down the street with their sushi boxes. The ‘journalist’ is fast, and grabs at his hood and wrenches him back. Hoshi’s face comes into view, and Felix clearly sees the fear in his eyes.

“His hair really  _ is _ naturally that curly,” the man smiles at the exposed locks, frizzed and wild from the humidity. Hoshi seemed to have had enough, bringing his foot up and slamming it back down onto their attackers toes. The man lets out a yell and releases Hoshi’s hood, stumbling back and trying to sooth the smashed foot. The sushi boxes were squished in Hoshi’s grip, but the smaller idol pays it no mind as he grabs for Felix and pulls him out of the other reporter's grip. 

Felix feels another jolt of pain through his wrist as they begin to run down the street towards their apartment building, hand in hand and out of breath. They hear shouts from behind, but they didn’t hear any footsteps chasing them. They didn’t stop though, when they reach the door they fumble for their key and almost fall on each other as they open the door and slam it shut behind them. They don’t stop running until they are up the stairs and into their dorm room, sprinting into Felix’s room and into his bed. 

The sushi is a ruined mess of rice, fish and cardboard box in Hoshi’s hands, and he discards the mess into a trash can beside Felix’s bed. Felix brings the smaller idol into a hug as they sit there on the bed, eyes red, tears streaming down their cheeks. 

“Are you okay?” Felix asks, checking the smaller members with little pokes and prods. Hoshi sniffs back tears and nuzzles into Felix’s hoodie, unresponsive. “Hey… Hey you did really good, everything is okay, yeah?”

“Sushi was a bad idea,” Hoshi mumbles into Felix’s hoodie. Felix wraps his arms around the smaller idol to try and comfort him more. Looking Hoshi up and down as much as he can, he sees his hood was partially ripped at the seam from being yanked back by their attackers. 

“I’m sorry, we should have left sooner. Should have been a little more careful,” Felix rubs circles into the maknae’s back, “But that toe smash move you did was really handy, huh?”

Hoshi leans back and looks at Felix with his tear stained eyes, his hair a wild mess, “It was my fault for going out there though, my toe smashing move should only be used when absolutely necessary.” 

Felix brushes some of the hair that was sticking to Hoshi’s forehead and frowns, “How could you have known they were waiting for us? That they would do that?”

Hoshi wipes at his eyes and slowly shimmies away from Felix to look down at their ruined sushi in the bin. “You think I broke his toes?” he whispers.

“I think a few broken toes is a rightful punishment for our ruined sushi.” Felix says with a smile, poking the maknae in his side to tickle him. Hoshi yelps and rolls to the side to dodge another attack, before surging on Felix and tackling him. They wrestle until they fall off the bed with a thud, both groaning from the impact. Felix’s phone falls out his pocket and slides a little ways away, buzzing with a new text notification. 

“Your girlfriend is calling~” Hoshi giggles from beside Felix, reaching for the phone. Felix snatches the device before the younger can get to it, holding it close to his chest and away from sight.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Felix states simply.

“Then you have a  _ boyfriend _ . And if  _ that’s _ the case, I wanna see him.” Hoshi laughs into the blanket that had slid off when they had fallen off the bed.

Felix mocks a gasp, “You are too young to be looking at boys Takara Hoshi. What would Hyunki hyung say?” 

Hoshi rolled his eyes, the last of his tears had dried from his cheeks, only his eyes remained slightly reddened. “Whatever, Jiho hyung supports me and my cute boy agenda, I'll pester him about ordering take out while you text your ‘not girlfriend.’”

Felix shouted out his order as Hoshi shuffled out of the room to find Jiho, and when he’s finally alone in the bedroom, he looks down at his phone. He’s surprised to find multiple texts from Chan from the past 30 minutes. 

-Hope your sushi is good!

-Felix?

-Oi, Felix?

-Check twitter.

-Hey, did you see?

-Not playing around this is important

-Felix please respond

Felix is about to respond, unsure of what the problem could be when a text to him and the rest of Volta is sent from their manager, telling them to stay off social media. A link to an online article is sent underneath the order. When Felix opens it, the title of the column stares back at him in bold. He feels his stomach drop for a second time that night.

_ ‘Bad Blood Between JYP’s Stray Kids and Rookie Group ‘Volta’?’ _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the texting made sense, I wasn't sure how exactly to go about that.


	5. Chapter 5

Felix Pov

_‘Bad Blood Between JYP’s Stray Kids and Rookie Group ‘Volta’?’_

Volta sat in a straight line across from their manager, Felix in the center. It was one of his favorite places to be, surrounded by the 4 boys, he feels as if he could face anything. Though as they all sit there in front of the older man, Felix isn’t so sure he’s ready to face this.

“Does anyone know this could have happened?” their manager asks, holding out his phone to show them the news article they were sent the previous night. “This is not what we needed right now. I thought we had been clear that we don’t even discuss Stray Kids to the public, especially during your first promotion? ” 

Felix rolled his wrist experimentally, cringing when it shot pain down his arm. A twisted wrist was also not what he needed right now, but their manager couldn’t know about that little mistake. 

After the sushi incident from last night, it had only gotten more hectic. Hyunki had gotten home from his solo vocal practice and quickly taken all their phones, ‘For our safety’ he had said, ‘This is already bad enough.’ Felix had not had the chance to text Chan back that night, or since. Hoshi had spilled about the sushi attack to the others, but they had all agreed to keep the incident to themselves. The ‘reporters’ could make what they want with whatever information they obtained, they had bigger issues now. This article wasn’t something that they could brush under the rug. 

_The article_. Felix had read it alone in his room, slowly taking in each word that had been written about the two boy groups.

_//‘-Lee Felix, the main dancer in Volta, was once a member of the Stray Kids line up before their debut._

_Click_ here _to watch his elimination video._

_After getting eliminated it is reported that he quickly changed companies and started training at Mixed Media entertainment. Could it be that Felix never liked Stray Kids? Or that Felix was kicked from the company soon after his elimination?’//_

The column goes on, recounting places where Felix is weak and where Stray Kids are strong. It leaves a bad taste in Felix’s mouth, but he has managed to keep himself together up until this point.

Their manager pinches the bridge of his nose and continues on, “We go to the JYP building in an hour.”

“Sir?” Hyunki startles and leans forward in his chair, “We have a photoshoot at three?”

“Schedules have been changed, I’ve been talking with JYP management all day and we need to start now if this is going to work.”

Jiho crosses his arms and scowls, “If _what_ is going to work?”

“This whole thing looks bad on both ends. So, we play off of this article and prove them wrong, mostly with Felix. More music shows together, more events that will involve both groups, more everything. JYP’s Stray Kids are Volta’s new best friend,” Their manager talks as if he’s reading off a script for a new news article that will fix all their problems. Felix fidgets in his seat and glances around to gauge his members' reactions.

Seojun looked pale, Jiho’s usual pout had deepened into something of a scowl, and Hoshi looked a bit scared. But Felix couldn't get a read on Hyunki, who had schooled his features into a neutral expression ever since the meeting started. 

“Start to learn up on Stray Kids, and Felix?” Their manager spoke directly to the middle member, “I’m sorry.” 

Everyone kept their eyes forward until their manager left the room, giving them one last reminder that they would be leaving soon before disappearing down the hallway. 

Once gone, all four members turned to Felix. Hyunki watched him with careful eyes, most likely trying to get an idea for what he was thinking, but Felix only ever really had one person who could read him perfectly. 

What was Chan going to think? How are the other members reacting to the article? It made Felix look like he hated them, like he had wanted nothing more than to break free from his old group. Was the article even wrong? 

No. Reconnecting with Chan had been a good thing, seeing the others could only make this good thing even better. 

Felix pushed out of his chair, he couldn’t sit there anymore, he couldn’t wait around for himself to get worked up over this. “I’ll be waiting in the car,” Felix calls back to the four boys still sitting in the meeting room chairs. 

As he walked down the hallway towards the back exit of their building, Felix wondered if Chan and the others were getting the same debriefing on their new situation. Maybe they were excited to finally see Felix again, or they were dreading the very thought. 

_1 hour._

It was too soon, too soon to see them again. The last time he had seen them he had broken down into a panic attack backstage. Felix didn’t know how well he would fare after having talked to Chan for the past few weeks, but he didn’t have his hopes up. 

The other members eventually catch up to Felix as they all head for the cars parked outside. The drive to the JYP building is quiet, but Felix thinks it’s better that way, better that his new members be in the dark on his old team. Felix _himself_ felt in the dark about his old team.

Felix’s mind began to fill with doubt. What did their manager mean when he said they were going to prove the article wrong? Could it be as simple as interactions on stage or at different shows? What could their companies really expect from them other than that? Felix could handle a few hellos every now and then, maybe then they could put this behind them. Felix was ready to set his focus on his future, rather than his past, as much as he loved talking to Chan over text, their conversations had been simple and generally straightforward.

They had dodged around topics when they had texted each other. Each time they had talked Felix had pushed the conversation towards what was happening in the present, rather than anything that had to do with their past. But it seemed that everything needed to come back to haunt Felix ever since he debuted. 

When Volta finally arrived at the JYP building, Felix slowly pulled himself from the depths of his mind and focused on his surroundings. They enter the building through the back entrance and are brought up through the lobby. It was a different building from when Felix had been there, an upgraded version of what he had known. Fourteen floors of offices, meeting rooms, and practice rooms. They made their way through the hallways lined with dance studios and soundproof vocal booths, and were directed into an empty practice room and told to wait. 

Felix looks around and sees a pristine mirror and light washed wooden floors, above him the lights spell out the company logo. It was nice, an amazing place to be able to practice dancing and train to be an idol. Felix would have loved a place like this to be his home, to be his normal. 

Hyunki nudged him from his thoughts, looking to where the other three members were all taking positions around the room. Felix joined them, slumping into a sitting position against the maroon brick wall. Hyunki was talking with their manager, who was waiting by the door for further instruction from JYP staff. All they could do now was wait.

So Felix waited. And waited…

Chan POV

When Chan and the rest of his team had heard that Volta was in the JYP building, it was 2 hours _after_ the rookie group had arrived. No prior warning to their meeting had been established, only the notification that their stage outfit fittings were being cut short that day for an extra meeting about their upcoming performances.

Chan had spent that morning texting Felix, trying his best to get any response from the other idol with no luck. Worry upon worry filled his head, with no clear way to clear them out. The time leading up to their fitting had been filled with distractions from Felix ghosting him, but nothing seemed to calm his nerves. Chan’s hair had been freshly dyed a fiery red, and the sweat from their dance practice had caused little streams of scarlet to run down his face and onto his shirt. When trying to rub the dye from his neck after practice, he couldn’t stop checking his phone for a reply. 

Each hour passed and Chan grew and more restless, checking twitter and seeing the response to the article. The news hadn’t exactly gone viral, but it was slowly picking up and spreading between their respected fandoms and outward to the rest of the public. Chan hadn’t been allowed to do a Chan’s Room last night, or an explanation as to why. Messages of worry and concern were increasingly taking over his line of sight while he scrolled, posts of unsettled fans wanting to know if the statements about the two groups were true. They festered in Chan’s mind, each comment eating away into the next.

_‘Stray Kids really missed out when they eliminated Felix!’_

_‘Felix definitely downgraded when he left JYP...’_

_‘Did Felix really leave a Big 3 company to debut in Volta?’_

_‘Felix’s english was sooo bad though, he wasn’t ready for a group like Stray Kids’_

_‘Weren’t Chan and Felix close?’_

_‘Maybe Chan_ made _him leave, or Felix left because he didn’t like the other members?’_

They were all outrageous remarks, judgments from people who didn’t know what had truly happened. But Chan _knew_. And yet he still felt like he was in the dark about everything surrounding Felix. Their light conversations had been filled with pretty words and comfortable discussions of their day to day lives, Felix had swerved and evaded anything topics that involved what happened 2 years ago. And the combined outcry from the public media and the radio silence from his old friend and sent Chan into silent panic mode. 

The rest of his members also had their worries, each one being on edge in their own different ways throughout their scheduled events that morning, but Chan could see that they felt the whole situation was hopeless. Their usual excitement for their stage outfit fittings were subdued by the bleak news from last night, everyone was relatively silent except for the occasional comments of their clothes. That is, until Seungmin made the announcement. 

Each member was checking and fixing different aspects of their outfits with a stylist, each of them in various states of undress. Chan was in the middle of securing some type of black strap across his chest when Seungmin looked up from his phone from across the room.

“ _Volta_ is in practice room five,” he voices to the whole room, waving his phone in the air as if it helped explain, “They’ve _been_ there for two hours.” 

Changbin looks up from where him and a stylist had been hemming the cuffs of his pants, “What?” 

“You mean their management team?” Jeongin tries to clarify from next to Chan, the maknae pulling on his bangs to study the new shade of blue he was now sporting. 

“ _No,_ they had a meeting earlier today,” Seungmin stands up and crosses the room to show the members what was on his phone, from Chan’s angle he could make out a screenshot of an email. “ _Volta,_ is here for a meeting to further discuss the potential for a KSB Song Festival collaboration…” 

The room goes silent for only a moment, and in that moment even Chan’s heart seems to stop as he processes the information. _‘Volta is in practice room five.’_

All at once, Stray Kids begins to move. They rushed to the exit, pulling on shirts and shoes if needed and attempting to free themselves from any stylists who were trying to hold them back so that they could finish. All seven of them run down the hallway towards the practice room in question, Chan mentally thanks himself for keeping on the lace up combat boots as he sees Jisung almost face plant from slipping in his socks. 

Minho is the first to reach the door, swinging it open only to have Jisung and Hyunjin topple over him and crash into the room. All three are sprawled out on the floor when Chan enters the practice room. Five figures sit leaning against the far wall, all of them dressed in casual street clothes, but one neon yellow hoodie stands out to him. When Chan’s eyes meet Felix’s, his breath is stolen from his chest. 

Felix’s expression shows surprise, his eyes wide. His cheek has a red smudge that shows where he must have been sleeping on the shoulder of the member beside him. For _two hours_ he had been right down the hall and had not known, Chan doesn’t blame Felix for taking a nap.

“Felix?!” Jisung is the first to scramble up and run towards the rookie idol, pulling him from up off the ground and into a crushing embrace. Minho and Hyunjin aren’t far behind as the rest of Stray Kids stumbles into the room and over towards the group hug that was slowly forming. Chan seemed stuck in place as he continued to watch, his eyes stay locked onto Felix’s, and through the heads and shoulders of the other members, Felix’s eyes are on Chan. 

Slowly, Chan’s feet begin to stutter forward towards the gathering, but not before a smaller body blocks his way. Breaking eye contact, Chan looks down and sees a very angry looking boy.

“Are you stealing my look?” The boy points a finger up to Chan’s hair, their shades of fiery red locks were near matching. 

“Umm…” Chan isn’t sure what to say to the near livid boy. After all the interviews and stages Chan has watched, he knew this was Kim Jiho, the lead rapper of Volta. Before Chan could explain the lack of control he had over his new hair color, another figure comes up from behind Jiho and pulls him out of reach, more likely for Chan’s safety than Jiho’s. 

“I’m sorry about that, Jiho here loses his manners when he goes without food for too long,” the other Volta member shows off a well practiced smile as his hand stretches out to shake Chan’s, “I’m Min Hyunki, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Chan is quick to take his hand, but his eyes stray over to the group hug that begins to break apart. Everyone still keeps close to Felix as they laugh and congratulate their old friend, quick comments and compliments about Volta’s recent stage performances and variety show appearances. 

Chan had guessed that the other members had been keeping up with Volta’s promotions, and this proved it. But as he looked at Felix he could see his confusion. The hugs and claps on the back he was getting seemed to make Felix more and more tense around the Stray Kids members, and as Chan passed by the two Volta members towards Felix he could see him slightly shaking. When their eyes met a second time, Chan saw the tears welled in his eyes that threatened to spill over. 

“Hey Felix,” Chan voices, the other members calm down a little bit as he enters their little circle that surrounds the rookie idol. Felix’s shoulders slowly relaxed when Chan spoke, he noticed that his shaking had stopped. 

“Hey,” Felix says, adjusting his hoodie and fixing his ruffled hair. The atmosphere of the room was a mix of muddled joy, and Chan watches as Felix reaches out his hand as Hyunki had done, looking to shake Chan’s. If Chan had been expecting any sort of reaction, this was not one of them. He stared at Felix’s small hand and thought back to the last time they had touched, the last time he had seen Felix this _close_. 

_‘You keep going, just like you have been’_

He wondered if Felix still looked back at what Chan had said. 

_‘Always find me yeah?’_

If Felix had taken his words and thrown them out without a care. 

_‘I’m not gonna leave you behind.’_

Felix… Did he know how much Chan had missed him? Chan reached out, but not for Felix’s hand. Instead, Chan reaches under his arms and pulls Felix into a hug. The smaller idol let out a noise when their bodies met, his muscles tense as Chan keeps a hold of him, but ever so slowly he seems to relax into the embrace. 

Felix hesitantly wraps his arms around Chan’s neck, fitting his head in the spaces between and breathing him in a shuddering inhale. Chan held Felix there for as long as he could, his one hand fisted in the younger's hoodie while the other was threaded through his hair.

“Chris…” Felix mutters into Chan’s neck, it sends shivers running down his back. Hearing his voice, the deep baritone whispering his english name, it was as if the world had stopped. 

“I missed you,” Chan says before the words slip from his grasp, his arms loosen a bit so that they can separate a little to look at each other. Chan can see each of Felix’s freckles from this close, he can also see the blush that stains them pink. 

“Oh,” Felix responds a little tentatively, patting Chan’s shoulder and averting his eyes, “I missed you too, hyung.” Chan feels himself falter when he senses the unsease in the younger’s words, but doesn’t get a chance to cue in on why before being interrupted. 

“This meeting wasn’t scheduled to begin until _after_ my lunch, but I suppose you all just couldn’t _wait_ …” Chan’s manager enters the room with an egg roll halfway held up to his face, “Volta, Stray Kids. Stray Kids, Volta. I can see we have already begun the road to friendship. Yes, it’s all very lovely.” 

As their manager speaks, Felix extracts himself from Chan’s hold and steps back to join his other members who had been standing awkwardly off to the side. Chan can still see his cheeks are flushed, his hair a mess from where Chan had messed it up. Choi Seojun, the ace of Volta, stands behind Felix and tries to fix his ruined hair as their manager continues to speak.

“We scheduled this meeting so that you can fix whatever problems are going on between you two groups. Whether or not the article is true or not? We don’t care. But from now on you guys are going to be best friends until we can all put this behind us at the end of the year.” 

Chan’s brow furrows, but he stays silent and listens to the rest of what their manager has to say. 

“We scheduled a collaboration performance at the KSB Song Festival, in between now and then we have interviews and variety shows where you will interact with each other up until the end of the year. This took rearranging 3 months worth of scheduling, so please make it worth everyone's time and effort to work out this situation. Don’t mess this up.” Their manager looks pointedly towards Stray kids, who feign innocence with a few shy smiles, “Any questions?”

Chan looks to where Volta had grouped up, all of them seemed to be listening intently as the smallest member raises his hand. 

“Umm, are we really going to do a joint performance? Our concepts don’t really match,” Takara Hoshi speaks up from beside Felix. 

“Yeah, we aren’t really known for going out on stage in skin tight leather.” Jiho comments next, pulling on one of the straps that hangs halfway tied across Minho’s chest. Hyunki cringes and pulls Jiho away from the other idol group, keeping the irritable red head away from any more danger.

“We have time to fix your concept leading up to the show, and you’ll be learning from the best.” Volta’s manager speaks up from beside them.

“If we do a good job, this is over by New Years. After that, you all can go back to _hating_ each other for all I care, just not publicly.” The two managers seemed to nod to each other, both sharing the common goal of not wanting to lose their jobs. Chan crossed his arm, at a loss for anything he could say. 

_Did Volta hate them?_ Looking at the five rookie idols, all of them kept their eyes from looking over to Stray Kids. Chan looked at his own members and saw them all watching Felix for any confirmation on their thoughts. _Was the article right?_ Chan’s mind began to fill with doubt, but in the end it didn’t matter. Stray Kids and Volta were stuck together for the next 3 months whether they liked it or not. 

Looking at Felix, Chan felt like he was breathing a breath of fresh air. His tanned skin and bleached hair were so much better in person rather than on his phone screen late at night. Looking at Felix was addicting in every sense of the word, and touching had sent sparks through his body. Chan was _excited_ to be able to spend time with Felix and his members. He was happy to switch a few schedules around so they could _perform_ together… Was Felix?

Their managers had finished their speeches, they turned to leave the practice room and began a hushed discussion that Chan couldn’t be bothered to listen in on. Turning back to his own members, Chan tries his best to survey the damage. Surprisingly, all the members seem to have their wits about them as they think over their new schedule mates. 

Before anyone could say anything, Volta’s manager rushed back into the room with a ziplock full of iphones. He runs over to Hyunki and hands over the bag, “I forgot! Sorry, giving these back to you but be sure to not post anything to the public unless it has gone through the media team okay?” 

Hyunki nods to the manager, who quickly makes his way back out of the room. The leader reached in and handed out the varying phones to his members. Chan notices that Felix is quick to turn away from his members and check his notifications, and when his screen lights up Chan sees Felix go pale. 

“Hey, can we get your phone numbers?” Seungmin for once has his phone put away and is approaching the Volta members as they check on their devices.

Takara Hoshi, a curly haired boy dressed in an oversized duffle coat is the first to jump on the opportunity. “Yes of course! I’m sure they will come in handy! Right Felix?” Hoshi’s knowing smile is bright as he meets Seungmin halfway across the room. Felix shuffles behind Hoshi, not quite paying attention to the conversation as he types something into his newly received phone. 

“Totally…?” Felix says in a sceptical voice as he finally looks up and around the room, he seemed surprised that he had moved at all.

Chan’s pocket vibrates. He ignores it to walk up behind Seungmin and see him reaching for Felix’s phone and swiping it with one quick motion. “I have all of our numbers memorized, so I’ll make the group chat on your phone and we’ll do the whole name thing later.”

Felix looks scared as Seungmin types the 7 numbers into his phone. Chan was about to question him when he heard a curious hum come from Seungmin. “Felix, you already have Chan’s number...” 

Chan checked over Seungin’s shoulder and sure enough, he had been halfway through making the group chat when Chan’s name popped up on the screen. Felix was blushing red as he looked ready to pounce on Seungmin to get his phone back. Hoshi looked overjoyed. 

“You had his number this whole time and didn’t tell us?” Hoshi nudged Felix in the shoulder and the blonde looked as if he might faint. 

“Not the whole time…” Felix mumbled, stuffing his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt. Chan thinks it might be to keep from grabbing his phone back from Seungmin as he continues to enter in the names of each member. 

“He even got your emoticons right,” Seungmin whispers up at Chan as he moves the phone to where Chan could see better. They both smile at the wolf and flag of Australia emoji that are displayed next to his english name. _Christopher._ Chan almost laughs, but when he sees Felix hiding his face in his hands he thinks better. 

“We didn’t know,” Hyunki says as he walked up from behind Felix, “Was this recently?” 

“Yeah, I gave him my digits at mubank a few weeks back,” Chan decides to speak up then, and the reaction he gets is… mixed. Hyunki looks to Felix immediately to confirm the statement while Seungmin looks up at Chan with suspicion. 

“You weren’t going to the bathroom that day, were you hyung…?” Seungmin’s lips formed a pout as he thought over how the number exchange could have happened. 

Chan smiled his best cheesy smile and ruffled the vocalist's hair, “Nothing gets passed you Seungminnie! Except for when it does~...” Seungmin smacked away the hand and continued making the group chat. 

Chan looked back to Volta to see that they had all circled around Felix and were asking him various questions about the incident. Felix seemed to try and answer them as best he could, but the rookie group seemed to be in a slight panic over the mild transgression that both him and Felix had committed. 

“I hope I haven’t caused an issue?” Chan interjects as he steps into the small circle of idols, “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.” He was mostly looking to Felix, hoping that he didn’t overstep his bounds in any way.

Felix shook his head quickly, “No no, please it’s okay! I really liked talking, I just didn’t tell them I had been messaging you…” Chan kept his smile on the inside when Felix talked, but he was sure his stomach was filled with butterflies. 

“Hyung, you didn’t tell us you were texting Felix…” Jisung called from behind Chan as the rest of Stray Kids followed up behind Seungmin to see the making of the new group chat. Chan _hadn't_ told the rest of his members about Felix, but Chan also hadn't known if Felix would respond to the message in the first place. Part of him was probably selfish for it, but he could only imagine the chaos that would follow from this new group chat Seungmin was concocting on Felix’s phone. 

“Should I add him..?” Seungmin whispers to Jeongin, who giggles at the phone screen delighted. 

Hyunjin gives them a pointed look, “You wouldn’t _dare.”_ Seungmin only shrugged his shoulder and continued adding contacts, but Jeongin stuck his tongue out at Hyunjin while ducking behind Changbin for protection. 

“Seungmin really has all of our numbers memorized?” Jisung looks surprised as the group chat pops up on his own phone with all of them in age order.

Minho grumbles next to him as he opens his phone and immediately sends through a picture of his cats, “I don’t even know half of your birthdays... Where does he store all of that information?” 

Seungmin shrugs and hands Felix back his phone, “ _Someone_ has to hold all of our brain cells together you know.” 

Changbin hugs Jeongin from behind to hold him from running away from Hyunjin, “I think all those _brain cells_ need to go towards more productive hobbies, blackmail and company secrets are dangerous business.” 

“I think my hobbies are just fine,” Seungmin scowles at Changbin as he takes out his own phone and snaps a picture of Jeongin’s capture as Hyunjin starts to attack with pokes and jabs with his fingers. Jeongin laughs, kicking out in an attempt to free himself from the two rappers. 

In the commotion of vices in bodies, Felix broke free from his questioning members to go up to Chan. “Hey,” Felix speaks at a normal volume, but as if he is whispering over all the laughing and screaming.

“Hey,” Chan responds, his tongue running dry from being this close to Felix again. 

“Umm, we have to leave soon... But we can talk later, yeah?” Felix scuffs his shoes on the wooden floors as he speaks. From this close, Chan can see how much Felix has changed. In little ways like the shape of his jaw and the color of his hair. He wished he could have seen those things change for himself, he wished he could have seen Felix grow up into this version of himself. 

“Stream Volta’s music or face my wrath!” Jisung yells and interrupts any response Chan had. The speakers turn on and music starts to play, a familiar title track that has Felix’s face heating up again instantly. 

“Free show! Free show!” Jeongin yells, finally free from Changbin’s hug and gasping for breath as he knelt on the ground. The music had already started, but Hyunjin had started pushing Volta towards the center of the practice room to dance to their song. 

Felix is swept away by Hoshi, who bounces up and down excitedly and they all try to find their positions. Stray Kids sits along the mirror and watches them get ready, singing along to the first verse of the song that each of them had been listening to on repeat ever since it released. Felix looked ready as ever, and when he started to pull off his hoodie, Chan got an eyeful of a thin waist and freckled skin. A shiver ran up his spine as Felix appeared from underneath in a black t-shirt and a mess of blonde hair. 

As the beat built up, Felix tossed the hoodie aside and lightly pushed Jiho a few inches to the left to perfect their first formation. As the beat dropped, everything slid perfectly into place as each member looked forward and jumped into their first move. The chorus was a mess of voices, with only one being the correct one. Felix and the rest of his members danced with light hearted fun as Stray Kids cheered and chanted. Chan watched as they moved in perfect sync, each gesture perfected down to the way they point their fingers. It was amazing, but his attention was solely on Felix as he moved to the center of the form for their killing move.

Hyunjin could’t help but sit up and dance with them, mirroring their moves from where he is in front of them. Hoshi laughed, his hair bouncing wildly as he kicked and stepped in time with the music, he sang his own sweet notes over Felix’s line that contrasted beautifly. 

When the song finished, Chan couldn’t focus on any one thing around him. His members clapped and shouted various compliments while the rookie group laughed from their various ending positions. Felix was on his knees, his hands running through his hair to get the parts sticking up to go back down. Chan seemed to get lost in Felix as he sat there with his team. The simple skinny jeans that bunched up around his high top vans, as well as the black t-shirt that had hiked up his stomach when he had spun down into the final position. Felix was beautiful.

Felix was… Beautiful? 

Chan nearly choked on air, but it goes unnoticed as the celebration of the arts continues to his left. Felix _was beautiful._ Sure, being an idol comes with the requirement of having a certain look. But that isn’t the type of beautiful Chan put his focus into. The thought became increasingly more prominent in his mind as Felix started to laugh again. Felix _sounded_ beautiful as he giggled next to Hoshi. Felix _looked_ beautiful as he got up off the ground and hugged Jisung. Felix _felt_ beautiful as Chan got up to hug him himself. Felix even _smelled_ beautiful when he held him close and breathed in the scent of his shampoo that lingered in his hair. 

Chan knew these thoughts were dangerous, he _knew_ he shouldn’t be thinking them. But the hum of content that Felix made as Chan pulled him into his arms again made his knees weak. Chan didn’t want to let go of Felix when they finally pulled apart. He didn’t want to have him disappear again like he had before. Felix carried an aura that made Chan want nothing more than to hold him close like he had two years ago. 

_‘We can talk later, yeah?’_

Chan shook his head, dashing the thoughts away and looking to where the boys had started to say their goodbyes, each member made different promises of rap battles and choreography lessons with each other. Chan shook Hyunki’s hand again and wished him good luck with his debut. He apologized to Jiho about his red hair and then proceeded to point out how Seojun was copying Hyunjin’s hairstyle as well, both looked unimpressed. Hoshi gave Chan a hug before leaving, telling him to continue to text Felix as much as possible. 

Of course Chan agreed, it was a simple and mutual request. Knowing why Felix hadn’t answered his phone gave him hope that it wasn’t over for their new found friendship. And if texting wasn’t an option, Chan now knew he _would_ see Felix again. Their lives were sewn together for the next three months until their KBS performance rips all the stitching out again. 

As the rookie group filed out of the room, Chan watched as Felix threw an arm around Jiho, the small angry member who Chan had stolen his hair color from. They all looked much more at ease than they had when Chan had first seen them today. Their mood was lighter and they seemed to be comfortable with their surroundings as they made their way out of the JYP building. 

Stray Kids had to be shuffled back into their ‘practice room turned dressing room’ to change out of their half finished stage outfits. Minho complained about the tight leather for the third time this week as Jisung tried pulling him out of his new pants to give back to the stylists. Chan laughs, but his mind is only in half focus as he changes out of his own clothes. It isn’t until Chan’s phone falls from his pocket as he goes to return the stage outfit that he sees the new text notification from a familiar number. When Chan picks it up and reads it, his face goes red.

~Just for the record

~ I am a huge fan of your leather pants and funky straps ;)

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, anyone notice Chan's gay panic he had for a moment? I did... I wrote it though...:P


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was beta read by Lesamoreuxvi! They were able to make this chapter so much better and I am so grateful for their help. Please check them out after reading.

**The Felix is Pretty Committee**

12 people in group chat

Jiho- You guys are late.

Minho- Cry about it.

Hyunki- Jiho means to ask what time you plan to arrive?

Chan- Minho means to say we are almost there.

Seungmin- 5 minutes at the most, we’re stretching in the car

Seojun- Static stretching in a car is not as practical as dynamic stretching in a practice room

Hyunjin- We’ll do them on our way up to the studio

Minho- Or we can just do them when we arrive at the studio??

Seojun- Am I to assume that you have all the basic choreo perfected then? We need more time to work on the transitions between Miroh and Aduro so we’re ready for the rehearsals with the dancers

_ Minho disliked a message _

Changbin- I feel attacked?

Hyunjin- Same?

Seojun- If it makes youhbdasrg!5

Jisung- ???

Jeongin- ???

Hyunki- Seojun’s phone has been confiscated, nothing to see here! 

_ Hoshi sent a photo to the group _

Jisung- oh my god

_ Jisung questioned a photo _

_ Minho laughed at a photo _

Seungmin- Those phones are expensive

Jiho- Next time he’ll know not to run from me

Jeongin- That’s suspicious...

Jisung- That’s wEiRd…

Chan- Is that Felix in the background? 

Hoshi- Yeah, he’s already practicing!

Felix- I’m practicing

Jiho- He  _ was _ practicing, now he’s sitting on his ass texting his mysterious girlfriend

_ Felix disliked a message _

Chan- We’re here, coming up now.

Hyunki- Lunges down the hallway, high knees up the stairs, arm circles the whole way.

Hyunjin- Seojun!?

Jisung- Give Hyunki his phone back!!!

  
  


Felix POV

It was like living in a dream. A dream with added dreams on top of it like a sundae with  _ all _ the toppings. Felix was having the time of his life and he felt as if nothing could bring him down. 

Their debut was still going smoothly, Volta’s performances were full of energy and their Sparks continued growing in numbers each week. Felix danced with his heart, giving their fans the most he could with each stage they did. Being able to finally get out of the practice room and perform for people was a feeling unlike any other, and a thought slowly started to creep into Felix’s mind after he finished each show. A thought he wanted to be true, a thought that put down the ones he had carried with him for two years. 

_ You are  _ not _ pathetic, you are wanted, you are worthy.  _

Felix didn’t think about these things for too long.

Their appearances on tv shows and radio networks were tiring, but all five members seemed to be getting by fine with the help of caffeine and the occasional pain killer. Felix thought fanmeets and fansigns may be his favorite part of being an idol, and as he watched Hoshi interact with the Sparks beside him he knew he wasn’t alone. Even Jiho, who loathed social interaction on all levels, found an interest in talking with fans about their music, beats, and lyrics. 

The groupchat with Stray Kids was filled with varying banter about the appearances they each had throughout their schedules. There had been changes made for them to go to the same events together, and their media team encouraged them to do little interactions with each other that the public could see and latch onto instead of the news article. It caused for funny moments between the two teams, most notably being the time when Jiho and Changbin had a mini rap battle during a joint interview at Inkigayo.

Felix had also continued to text Chan. They joked and confided in each other like they used to, each day they found time in between their schedules to update the other on what they were up to. It was still comfortable conversations, still pretty english words that made Felix’s chest feel warm and fuzzy. 

Stray Kids and Volta had weekly practices together where they worked on learning each other's choreography that they would do for their KBS collab stage. After each practice Felix felt the two groups grow closer and closer together. They taught each other, Minho leading the  _ Miroh _ choreography and Felix leading the choreography for Voltas title track  _ Aduro.  _ It was a rough start, but with the first few practices under their belt the groups started to slowly blend and learn to move together.

Soon enough, Volta’s first month of promotion was finished. For Felix, it was gone within a blink of an eye. These moments that he wants to last forever were fast, the way they seem to slip by makes Felix want to turn back the clock again and again to replay them forever. But it’s never that simple, Felix keeps that locked in his mind to remind himself regularly. It’s always best to keep looking forward, to not so much as glance back at the past. 

Now, Felix is sitting in a car with Hoshi on their way to an interview. The two idols are sitting in the back of the SUV so they are able to kick their feet up and relax during the out of town drive. Hoshi is buried somewhere in his coat, the hood of his parka brought up and over to cover his entire head, the long sleeves are empty from the small boy cocooning himself inside, his legs curled up under so that only the toes of his sneakers were visible. Felix assumes he is either sleeping or playing Animal Crossing, but there is no way to tell for sure. 

Felix sat with his phone while he texted Chan, who was also on his way to a gig. The two talked mindlessly about Australia and Sydney, video games and silly youtube videos they sent each other. You could only talk so much about idol life before you ran out of things to say, so their conversations drifted to different things they both put their free time into. Felix liked to send Chan funny clips of him during his Chan’s Room that the Stays repost on twitter, while Chan sticks to embarrassing Felix with gifs of him dancing and performing during his different music show stages. 

-Do you even know what interview you’re going to right now? 

~ One that is far away?

-How specific

~ It was a last minute scheduling. Besides, I like the mystery :P

-You’re gonna make Seojun twitch

~Good thing he’s not coming then!

Felix bit his lip to refrain from laughing as he texted Chan, looking over to Hoshi who was still buried in his jacket. The only way Felix knew there was a boy under all those clothes was the stray brown curl that popped out from underneath the hood, nearly invisible by the fur that lined the edges of the parka.

Felix pokes at the empty jacket sleeves, “Do you know where we are going?”

A response isn’t immediate. Slowly, Takara Hoshi peeks out from underneath the hood, his shadowed eyes meeting Felix’s through the faux fur, “Takara Hoshi can’t speak right now, he’s charging.”

Felix hums, poking his friend again, “I didn’t know you could run out of batteries?”

“What do you think Jiho and I do when we go hide out in our room?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Felix whispers so their manager can’t hear from where he sits up next to the driver.

“Ew, hyung,” The smaller idol’s eyes look like he wants to hit Felix, but decides against it in favor of staying tucked away in his coat, “We meditate.”

“ _ Kim Jiho _ meditates?” Felix isn’t so sure he believes Hoshi. Jiho was a lot of things, but Felix couldn’t picture their main rapper being able to go for even five minutes without any music blaring in his ears.

Hoshi shrugs, “It helps with his anxiety, he says it he writes better afterwards too.” Felix nods, and Hoshi disappears beneath the parka again. Felix watches the smaller idol’s shoes tap out a beat from where they stick out.

  
  


Even though Min Hyunki was someone who could bring each member up from their down days, Takara Hoshi was the one who made their good days even better. Being the face of the group was no small task for the tawny haired idol, but it was the small things he did for the team that meant the most. 

Felix wasn’t sure Hoshi even realized just how important he was to the group. Meditating with Jiho, staying late in the dance studio when Seojun couldn’t stop practicing, helping Hyunki sort out his thoughts when they were memorizing lines for a promotion speech, holding hands with Felix while they walked down hallways and across parking lots. Felix didn’t blame the maknae for needing to ‘recharge’ every once in a while, it had to be exhausting.

“It’s an interview with some youtube channel,” Felix looks over to Hoshi again sees the boy had shimmied up so that his whole head was above the neckline of his coat, “It’s not very  _ official _ , hence the short notice.”

“Oh,” Felix responds, looking out the window as the car starts to slow down and pull up along an office building, “I wonder why they only sent the two of us…?”

Hoshi starts to fit himself back into his parka and unbuckles his seat belt, “They usually send me, but maybe they want you for your english? International promotions are getting more and more popular these days, the media team has me speaking japanese whenever they have the extra time.” 

The two idols exit the van and quickly cross over into the building, they hold hands as they are directed to go up a few floors and shuffle into an elevator, “Or…” Hoshi kept close to Felix and giggled into his ear, “Maybe the others are too grumpy to join us?”

Felix laughed, remembering back to the other three idols who could still be in bed right now. Out of the five Volta members, Felix and Hoshi were the most energetic when it came to interviews and off script promotions. Jiho usually stayed quiet during interviews, Hyunki tended to stay fairly collected, and Seojun was a ‘by the book’ type idol who was very cautious in the public eye. This left Hoshi and Felix to cause the most chaos during their debut, which in turn got them more bookings, especially with Hoshi being the face of the group.

“For your information, It’s a ‘Kids meet Foreign Idols’ interview, all you’re gonna do is have a conversation,” their manager was leaning against the far wall of the elevator with his phone in one hand and a folder full of paperwork in the other, “I hope you two are good with kids.”

Hoshi gasps, “Of course I’m good with kids!”

“You still  _ are _ a kid,” Felix comments, getting an elbow in the ribs in return.

“17 is a teenager, not a kid! Besides, I turn 18 in 2 months…” Hoshi pouts but Felix and their manager laugh. 

The door of the elevator dings open, they exit and find a man and a woman waiting for them with clipboards and expensive looking headsets.

“Takara Hoshi?” the woman asks. Hoshi raises his hand that isn’t clasped in Felix’s. “This way please,” The woman starts down towards the left hallway. The two idols start to follow, but not before the other man calls them back to them. 

“Lee Felix, we have someone different to pair you up with for this interview,” the man gestures to follow him down the opposite hallway, but Felix hesitates. Interviews outside their company usually have at least two of them together, Felix is always more comfortable being able to have his members surrounding him when they do their promotions. He wanted Hoshi to be with him, his friend who always knew what to say.

“It’s okay hyung,” Hoshi says, squeezing his hand gently, “They’re only kids.”

Felix nods, finally letting go of Hoshi’s hand to follow the man to the other end of the hallway, giving one last glance back before they both disappear down opposite halls. Felix is led into a large room with cameras and lighting equipment all positioned towards a comfy set. His makeup had already been done back at the company building, and there was no required outfit for filming. “You arrived early, but people are one their way up now,” the man smiles at Felix and exits the room, leaving him alone with no instruction. He sits down in one of the chairs and waits.

Slowly, people start to file into the room and begin fiddling with the cameras and set pieces. An important looking woman in a suit makes her way over to Felix and gives off her best smile, “Hello, we are waiting on one more idol to arrive before we begin,” the woman gestures to the corner of the room where a curtain was pulled back to reveal a makeshift green room,’ “If you wait over there, we can have someone do touch ups and hide you from the kid we’ll be bringing in soon.”

Felix nods and makes his way over to the small makeup station. As he sits down in one of the chairs, the curtain is drawn to block out the rest of the room. A woman comes in and smiles at Felix, “I’ll get a head start on you since your friend hasn’t arrived, ok?” 

“That’s fine,” Felix nods again, lightly brushing his bangs out of the way to give the artist more room to work. He knew he didn’t  _ need  _ more makeup, but some companies liked to send in their own artists. As the woman starts to apply more product to his face he notices the curtain shift again, drawing back to uncover the same important woman as before.

“-And the two of you will be brought out after the kid has sat down,” She speaks to someone Felix can’t see, and he tries not to move too much so he doesn’t get poked in the eye with a concealer brush. A second figure enters the blocked off area and Felix sees a flash of scarlet hair. 

“Felix?” Chan’s voice is clear as day, and Felix fights not to flinch. The figure looks over the makeup artist's shoulder, and sure enough, Bang Chan is peering into his eyes.

“Chris?” Felix’s eyes get wide, it gives the makeup artist a warning to draw back with her pile of brushes as the two idols jump up to greet each other. Felix sticks out his hand as he always does when they meet, but Chan takes his hand and pulls him into a hug instead. 

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Chan chuckles into his ear and Felix’s knees go weak at the english, but Chan is holding on too tight to notice. It was nice to be held like this. Felix always loved hugging his members, hugging anyone really, but with Chan it seemed almost different. His arms were strong, and they almost pulled Felix off the ground when they embraced. Felix’s arms wrapped around Chan’s neck and pressed closer, he didn’t know why he was blushing.

“I didn’t either,” Felix says back, his voice strained from being hugged so tightly.  _ ‘You’re blushing because you can’t breathe’  _ Felix thinks to himself. Chan draws back a little so they are able to see each other, but frowns when he sees Felix’s face. “What’s wrong?” Felix asks.

“They’re covering your freckles,” Chan mutters, frowning deeper as he brings his hand up to Felix’s face and brushes his thumb across his cheekbone. When Chan looks at his finger he can see the light foundation that had rubbed off on it.

“It happens,” Felix says quickly, taking a step back from Chan towards the chair he was sitting in. He fights not to rub at his cheeks, “I don’t mind.” 

Chan looks like he  _ does _ mind, as he sits down in the chair next to him he smiles at the makeup artist, “Can you not cover his pretty freckles please? The fans love them and always hate to see them hidden away.” 

The lady startles and looks at Felix. 

Felix stays silent, trying his best to hide his smile.

The artist sighs and opens a drawer to bring out some makeup wipes, “Of course,” she says cheerily, “I wouldn't want to upset the fans!” She starts to gently wipe away at the half blended concealer on Felix’s cheeks. As she works, Felix can see Chan smiling from the corner of his eye. 

The two idols finish their make up quickly and wait for their time to go onto the set. Chan lets Felix take sips of his cooling coffee that he had snuck in as they whisper about little things that can only be said in person. It was simple small talk that Felix has always loved, but it takes on a new meaning with Chan. English words with the perfect australian rhythm to them that neither of them get to hear as often as they wished. 

The more and more they whisper about nonsensical topics and silly Twitter trends, Felix thinks about how talking with Chan is different than talking with others. It’s so  _ easy _ . It’s  _ too _ easy, and Felix didn’t know exactly how to explain it. A thought comes to mind as he sits there with Chan, knees touching, hands holding onto the paper coffee cup. It’s sudden and fleeting and Felix has to make sure his thoughts are all sorted out as he thinks it over.

Chan is  _ beautiful. _

But of course he is, it comes with the job. Felix looks at Chan then, he sees his square jaw and wide nose, which is so unlike his own pointed chin and smaller features. He listens to the timbre of Chan’s voice and feels the tips of his fingers running along the back of Felix’s hand. Chan and Felix are so different in so many ways and yet they still seem to fit together like pieces of a perfect puzzle. Felix isn’t sure why he found himself thinking of Chan differently than he used to. 

“Oh,” The words slip out without Felix realising it and his face quickly heats up when Chan quirks a confused smile.

“Oh?” Chan questions and Felix’s hands twitch as he holds back from covering his face from embarrassment. 

Before Felix can explain they are interrupted by a man poking his head through the curtain, “Ready? The cameras are already rolling when you step onto the set.” 

Felix nods quickly and stands up, tossing the empty coffee cup into a trashcan and following the man out into the main room. He senses Chan getting up to follow, but doesn’t look back in fear that his cheeks are still stained red. Maybe Felix should have let the makeup artist put on more concealer after all.

After a quick rundown on what they would be doing, the two idols walk onto the set where a small girl sits on a fluffy carpet. She sits cross legged at a low table with only a small bag at her side. Felix smiles as he approaches, the girl in turn cocks her head to the side with curiosity. The cameras are already rolling as Felix and Chan took off their shoes and sat down with the girl. 

Her name was  _ Hayoon _ and Chan almost made her cry when he didn’t stop speaking english for the first few moments. Felix quickly elbows him in the ribs and greets the girl in korean, which in turn gets her curiosity shot up.

“You speak korean so  _ well _ .” She tells them, and a memory flashes through Felix’s mind as she does.

_ ‘Felix, your biggest problem right now is your korean in general.’ _   
  


“Thank you,” Felix responds, casting the thought to the back of his mind.

After being eliminated, Felix had practiced korean every waking moment that wasn’t spent in the practice rooms. By the time he was put into the trainee group that was set to debut, he had built up his skills to the point of never needing someone to translate for him again. Felix wasn’t going to be a burden to the group because of his lack of language, and he had made sure of it. 

When Felix looks to his side, Chan is eyeing him with a realization. It was a flash of understanding between the two, and they quickly broke eye contact in favor of sharing the bag of goodies Chan had brought for Hayoon. 

Tim Tams and Vegemite, Chan had even brought a little kangaroo stuffed animal to give to the girl. The two Aussies tried teaching Hayoon the Tim Tam Slam, but they ended up shooting milk through their nose and by and by making a mess over the table. By the end of the snack time they were rolling on the carpet giggling like idiots.

After the Tim Tam disaster, Hayoon hugged the kangaroo toy close as they talked about what it was like originally coming to Korea.

“It was hard at first, but I made friends…” Felix feels himself stop short as Chan takes over the conversation with ease to continue explaining all the differences between Australia and Korea. 

Felix  _ had _ made friends, he had even made a  _ best friend  _ after coming to Korea. Someone who taught him about how to get along with others even with their cultural differences. A friend who shared his longing for home but also pushed him to pursue his dream. 

Felix had also lost friends.  _ ‘I’m not gonna leave you behind.’  _ He almost laughed. Funny how things work out. 

“Oi Felix!” Hayoon’s voice cuts into his thoughts and as he looks at the smiling little girl across from him. Now he  _ does _ laugh, Chan looks proud of himself.

“Oi Hayoon!” He calls back.

“I brought you ramen!” Hayoon suddenly says, pulling a container from her bag of what must be the spiciest ramen you could buy in a local shop. The top of the package has red hot flames drawn all over it. Felix’s stomach drops.

“Oh no…” he whispers, Chan is still grinning from ear to ear.

“Let’s try it!” Chan beams, wasting no time looking to the director for a way to eat the ramen now. A staff member to the side of her brings over a prepared kettle of hot water. 

Chan and Hayoon sit side by side while Felix watches in horror as they add the spice mix and water into the container of ramen. He had never been good at eating spicy food, and has always avoided it when he could. Felix looks up at the camera men and important woman from before, looking to see if he would really have to eat the ramen, but they all seemed to be preoccupied with their tasks to notice Felix’s silent plea. 

“Hayoon, I am not good with spicy food,” Felix looks at the girl and tries to make jokes about it all. He is sure Chan can see the fear in his eyes when Hayoon reassures him that if Felix is to visit Korea, he must try her favorite ramen.

When the devil’s food is ready, of course Chan is the first to take a bite. Felix thinks he surely must be smiling through the pain as he slurps up a mouthful of the noodles. No normal person would be able to handle that much spice, but Chan looked to be enjoying it. Felix sighs as Chan pushes the plastic bowl over for him to try.

Their hands brush as Felix takes the container and his face immediately heats up. The spice must already be affecting him. He picks up the chopsticks that are sitting on top and lifts some noodles out of the container, his hands moving against his will. 

“Ramen shouldn’t be this red,” Felix mumbles as his eyes begin to water, “There is  _ fire _ on the packaging. It's like a  _ warning _ not to eat it…”

“We have the Tim Tam milk if you need it,” Chan giggles to his left, but Felix’s doesn’t pay him any mind. His brain is preoccupied with what his last words will be before his certain demise.

When Felix finally short circuits and takes a bite he immediately wishes he had just asked for them to skip this segment. His tongue burns as he chews and his eyes screw shut to keep from any tears. Hayoon tentatively pushes the glass of milk towards Felix after he quickly swallows. Chan pulls the container away from Felix as the other idol quickly takes the Tim Tam milk and washes down the ramen spice that now coats his mouth. 

“ _ Wow _ Hayoon,” Felix says as he sticks out his tongue to try and alleviate the burning, “That’s definitely a treat!”

Hayoon looks mortified, but Chan looks as if he's holding back a laugh. Felix punches his arm.

“Hayoon, thank you for meeting us today!” Chan rubs his arm, deciding that it was a good time to wrap things up. The director must agree since she didn’t stop them from saying their goodbyes. 

The three of them stand up and bow to each other, the director calling for the cameras to cut. A woman who Felix assumes is Hayoon’s mom comes over and thanks the staff and the two idols. Hayoon skips away with the kangaroo plush and a packet of extra Tim Tams.

Chan and Felix make their way back to the curtained off area where they sit and wait to be taken back to the main lobby to leave. Felix’s mouth is still burning and Chan lets him munch on some leftover Tim Tams to help get the taste out. 

“Still not a fan of spicy things I see,” Chan rubs circles on his back as Felix sticks another cookie into his mouth and rubs his nose with a tissue. He is about to respond with something snide, but his voice gets caught when a soft hiccup breaks out from his chest. Chan snickers. 

Felix side eyes him, the Tim Tam in his mouth points down as he pouts, “A lot of people get hiccups…” Chan pats his back. Felix hiccups again. 

“Sure they do,” Chan says, “But yours are cute.”

Felix stills, almost coughing on the cookie. He keeps his face turned away from Chan as he feels his cheeks heat up even more than they already were. Chan continues rubbing his back, “If you get this messed up over one bite of ramen you’re never gonna get by when your scheduling team signs you up to do cooking shows.”

Felix shrugs off Chan’s hand and swallows the rest of the Tim Tam. “I prefer baking,” he says, drawing his knees up to his chest and learning back in the chair. 

  
  


Chan takes one more biscuit, putting the whole thing in his mouth before closing the packet and tossing it off to the side. He talks with his mouth full, “Baking? Like cakes and brownies?” 

“Especially brownies,” Felix hums, finally feeling as though most of the spicy ramen has worn off his tongue, “Jiho says I used to stress bake before we debuted.”

“Are you at least  _ good _ at baking?” Chan swallows the rest of his Tim Tam and leans back in his chair. Felix watches as he tips his head back. He didn’t know  _ why _ he was watching Chan, but he found the exposed column of his throat fascinating. 

“Y- I’m good,” Felix sputters, quickly clearing his throat and fixing his answer, “Seojun hyung says it’s a problem, says it’s gonna mess with his diet.” 

Chan’s hums in response, tilting his head to the side and to look at Felix. Their eyes meet and Felix fights not to immediately look away. He thinks back to when they used to sit this close during their late night korean lessons, shoulder to shoulder, Chan’s smooth voice poking through Felix’s stuttering sentences. Felix thinks about times like those and compares it to this moment, realizing how the situations were different in more ways than one. Was Chan getting  _ closer _ ? Was his tongue still spicy from Hayoon’s ramen? 

Felix wouldn’t get to know, and why would he? The curtain flies back and Takara Hoshi comes tumbling into the room like a tornado, “You will not  _ believe _ who I just met!” The maknae stops short when he sees Chan almost fall out of his chair, “Woah, Chan hyung is here too?” 

Felix kicks his feet out and quickly stands up, his stomach still filled with butterflies that tickle at his chest and flutter up into his mouth. 

“Hoshi!” Chan stumbles out of his chair and greets the japanese idol with an almost panicked tone, “Who knew right? Guess our scheduling team is still finding ways to put us together!” 

Hoshi jumps onto Chan with a crushing bear hug, and Chan has no problem lifting the small maknae off the ground and spinning him around. “I thought Felix hyung would be lost without me when they separated us. Good thing you were here!” Hoshi giggles.

“I can manage by myself just fine,” Felix mumbles, crossing his arms with a pout. 

Chan sets Hoshi down on the ground again and lets Felix ruffle his brown curls out of the perfectly styled look the hairdresser had managed that morning. Felix was still aware of the blush that stained his cheeks from the near disaster only seconds before, but he put that moment away to think about later. “So who was this mysterious person you met?” Felix raises an eyebrow at his younger member questioningly. 

Hoshi then goes off on a tangent, as he sometimes does. They aren’t as in depth as Seojun’s rants, but they are certainly more energetic. Chan and Felix listen to how Hoshi got paired with a cute little boy and his baby sister and how they had lively conversations about their favorite things to do in Korea and Japan respectively. Hoshi had given the kids his parka as a gift, saying he had at least brought the coat over from Japan on his last visit home. The kids had seemed to like it all the same.

“I didn’t have anything prepared, but they gave me something even better than a giant coat,” Hoshi shrugged off his drawstring bag that he always brought along with his and pulled it open. Rumors had spread when Sparks saw the maknae out and about with the cheap bag, speculating that it was a sign that they aren’t getting paid by their company. In reality, the mass manufactured red drawstring was a gift from Jiho that Hoshi treasured for some reason. Jiho had tried hiding it away once so Hoshi would have to use something else, but it ended up making them late to a photoshoot because the maknae couldn’t stop looking for the string bag. To this day Seojun continues to remind them of that little misdeed. 

  
  


Hoshi pulls out a baby shark stuffed animal.

Felix just about loses it with laughing so hard.

“It’s not funny hyung! It’s cute!” Hoshi starts to hit Felix over the head with the plushie over and over again as Felix has to crouch on the ground to keep himself from falling over. 

“ _ You _ said in the elevator not 2 hours ago that you weren’t a kid! How is this at all proving that point?” Felix shields his head with his hands and continues to giggle.

“Adults can like plushies too! It’s completely normal, right Chan hyung?” Hoshi stuffs the yellow shark in Felix’s face to muffle his laughter. The two are sitting on the ground and looking up at Chan, Hoshi has Felix in a near headlock from behind.

Chan quirks a brow, “I think stuffed animals are a fine thing to have as a kid  _ and  _ an adult.” He crosses the space between them and squats down between Felix’s legs. Felix sits on his ass with eyes as wide as saucers. “Seems like Felix is a plushie hater, and whenever I discover a hater you know what I do Hoshi?” Chan pokes Felix in the ribs and the trapped idol lets out a squeak, muted by the stuffed shark that still covers his mouth.

Hoshi grins. Chan grins. Felix starts to struggle.

Hoshi moves back so Chan can surge forward and pin Felix to the ground. The stuffed shark is casted away as Hoshi and Chan start to attack Felix with tickles. Felix laughs and screams, trying his best to bat away their hands and scrunch up to protect his ribs. Chan was practically on top of Felix, his knees on either side of his hips and his body leaning over him so that he is the only thing Felix can see. Felix tries kicking his legs out and pushing up against Chan with his waist, but it's no use with Chan being as strong as he is. He fists his hands into Chan’s sweatshirt and tries pleading with his attackers, asking for forgiveness of his hate for stuffed animals and the promise to love the baby shark with all his heart. 

“Say it like you mean it hyung!” Hoshi yells at him as he goes to tickle under Felix’s arms. 

“I mean it!” Felix gasps, trying to grab for the baby shark that lays just out of reach. His fingers brush the stuffed flipper and is about to snag it before a different hand grabs it and pulls it out of reach. Felix  _ knows _ he had four hands on him, but he’s surprised to look up and find Chan’s manager standing above them. 

“What is going on here?” The man looks bewildered as he sees the three idols on the floor. Chan nearly jumps off Felix as he realizes who entered, but Hoshi sits above Felix’s head with a mischievous grin still lingering on his face.

Felix fully collapses onto the ground with relief as he slowly starts to take a few deep breaths to calm his heart. His shirt is hitched up around his chest and he quickly shoves it down as Chan tries to explain the situation.

“Just expelling some energy sir,” Chan stands up and adjusts his sweatshirt where Felix had been pulling at it.

“Yeah, Felix needed to be taught a lesson, so Chan hyung helped me out,” Hoshi beams up at the manager and makes grabby hands for the shark he still holds. The older man sighs and hands the plushie over to Hoshi who hugs it close again, but not before giving Felix one last whack in the head. Chan stifles a laugh as Felix groans in exhaustion. 

Volta’s manager is the next person to enter the makeshift green room, when he sees Felix seemingly passed out on the ground his expression is the ideal look of dread. Before he could say anything, Chan’s manager interrupts, “He’s  _ alive _ Sungho, you haven’t lost your job  _ yet. _ ” 

Sungho lets out a breath, fumbling with his phone and reading the time on his watch. “If everyone is alive and well, we have to get going to make it in time for our next schedule.”

Felix whimpers and rolls over onto his stomach, “He said I was  _ alive, _ he certainly didn’t say I was  _ well. _ ” 

Sungho’s mouth twitched down as he thought it over before responding, “We have Tums in the car.” 

Hoshi was still giggling to himself. “We have vocal practice hyung, do you think your lungs are gonna be okay?” 

Felix slowly turns over again and raises himself over onto his elbows to squint at the maknae, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” Hoshi stuck his tongue out and squeezed the shark tighter. Felix saw the smirk he hid, Hoshi would pay sooner or later.

Chan cleared his throat and picked up his laptop bag from beside his chair. He then made his way over to Felix and offered him his hand. “Hope we didn’t wear you out too much.” 

When their hands lock, everything somehow feels right again. Chan’s strong arms pull him up easily and when Felix stands fully he’s almost nose to nose with him. Chan doesn’t move away. Felix doesn’t want to either. 

Instead of stepping back, Felix reaches up and tugs at a lock of Chan’s scarlet hair. Chan winces and tries to grab at his wrist but Felix quickly dodges away and back toward his chair to grab his own bag.

“ _ That’s  _ for taking Hoshi’s side!” He calls to him, taking the maknae’s arm and leading him towards the door. Manager Sungho had already made his way to the hallway, but Felix can’t help but glance back one more time.

Chan watches Felix as he leaves, hands stuffed in his pockets. His expression is near unreadable save for his dimples that appear from where his mouth was turned up with a grin. 

Felix had seen that look before, years ago, when the pair practiced anything and everything together. Whenever Felix had continued to work while Chan was taking his break, Felix could see him make that face out of the corner of his eye as he watched him. It had always made Felix’s mind bubble with the thought that Chan was proud of him, that what he was doing was right in every way. Felix hopes Chan is proud of him now, he hopes that Chan sees him and all he has done to get where he is and realizes that he beat the odds. 

Felix also hopes that Chan sees him differently now, knowing that he is not the same person he used to be two years ago. The more and more his thoughts snagged on the anomaly that is Christopher Bang, he started to realize that the feelings he once had for his old friend are not the same either.

Felix beams back at Chan with one of his own smiles, hoping his thoughts couldn’t be read from this far away. He could have sworn he saw Chan’s cheeks go pink when he does, but he dismisses the notion quickly.

Funny how many excuses you can come up with to disprove the things you wish were true. 

  
  


Chan POV

  
  


To put it simply, Chan wanted to kiss Felix. 

He wanted to pull the blonde close like he always  _ had  _ done, but this time with the added brush of noses and press of their lips. Chan wanted to touch and taste Felix with a newfound purpose of discovering everything that made the rookie idol tick. 

Chan thinks Felix has completely taken over every  _ thought  _ he had to spare. Yet his brain short circuits and brings him back to reality each time he thinks of telling the younger idol what he was feeling.

It’s a bad idea to pursue Felix.

Perhaps rule number one in most idol contracts is the ‘no dating’ rule. Chan has one, and Felix does too. Chan  _ has _ had his fair share of silly crushes and back stage kisses. You don’t train with members of Twice and not think you’ve fallen in love with at least one of them. But no member of Twice struggled not to fall in love with  _ him _ . Chan thinks he had done well at keeping himself in check up until now, all hormones considered.

That is, until Lee Felix entered back into his life.  _ Hook, line, and sinker. _

Chan knew the risks, he had thought them over and over until he knew the varying consequences like the back of his hands. His odds weren’t good. Not only that but his chances of Felix feeling the same were even slimer. But he couldn’t seem to get past his feelings when it came to the main dancer. Each text Chan received was like another flower slowly filling his lungs that made him want to cough up his feelings.

Even if Felix rejected him, which was a possibility Chan was expecting, maybe then he could finally come to grips with those terms. Maybe then he could stop blushing at the electric shocks that run through his hands each time he touches Felix.

When Chan watched Felix disappear through the door after the interview he knew he had to do something. He didn’t text Felix for the rest of the day, instead he began crafting the perfect message he needed to get his point across to the younger idol. By the end of the day Chan had his plan laid out. As he sat in his bed and looked as the message typed up in the chat box, the only thing he could think about were Felix’s eyes as they had looked at each other back in the make up room. Soft brown eyes, framed by sunflower blonde bangs and dusted with cinnamon freckles. Chan closed his eyes before sending the text through, picturing Felix and the last smile that he had flashed to him before leaving that morning, remembering how Chan had blushed even then. He pressed send and prepared to either sink or swim.

-Hey

-Wanna hang out?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Hey, you wanna come in?' 
> 
> I stole the interview idea from the ODG video with NCT!
> 
> Thank you again to Lesamoreuxvi


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're only just now getting a Chanlix 'hang out'?
> 
> Gee, I hope it goes well!
> 
> :)

Chan POV

-Hey

-Wanna hang out?

When Chan sent the text, he didn't expect an immediate reply. He expected Felix to think it over, possibly respond with asking why or when and  _ how.  _ Normal questions to ask when setting up any ‘hang out.’ But what he didn’t expect was for the response to take until the  _ next day. _

He didn’t end up sleeping that night. Instead, Chan’s mind skipped in and out of consciousness, the kitchen lights on low as he sat at the table slowly going through different project files and snippets of vocal recordings. At some point during the night Changbin came into the room and brought Chan a blanket to wrap around him, the rapper knew it was hopeless to get him to sleep on nights like this. 

When the sun finally starts to rise, Chan decides he needs some fresh air. He stepped onto the balcony that looked out over the city, the sun still hadn’t come up. The night had lightened into pale colors of blue and pinks, and the early November air blew through and mused his hair. Chan pulled the blanket tighter around him and sat down in one of the two chairs that Seungmin had found set out by the trash bins one day. The two of them had dragged them up and put them out on the balcony for them to use, but no one seemed to come outside often. Fear of photos being taken or overly excited fans still posed a problem for the group, so the curtains stayed drawn shut and the sliding door remained locked. Chan was taking a risk with his freshly dyed brown hair, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when it was 4am and foggy. 

Whenever Chan found him out here, it was usually because of Felix. Ever since the first day he had learned of the idol leaving JYP, Chan had used the sky to try and feel connected to the younger. Sleepless nights were spent trying to find the stars in the polluted air of Seoul, but Chan thanked the ones that he could see. He thanked them for being there, and for letting him know that Felix could look up and see the same ones. If anything, at least those stars kept them connected in some way. But now Chan longed for more.

It was a curious problem to have, maybe even a selfish one. Chan had always longed to know where Felix had gone after leaving, and that longing turned into the gift of Volta. After  _ knowing _ where Felix was, Chan then wanted to talk to him. That opportunity came at the mubank show, slipping his number into that back pocket had brought Felix officially back into his life. 

And then the  _ article _ about them was released.

Chan hated it, hated every word of it and more. He feared that Felix would stop talking to him, that the rookie idol was affected by the claims that the article made and all the comments that it received. Chan had wanted to do his very best to protect Felix, but he had failed. Regardless, the article had brought them closer together, if only to prove to the public that there was no ill will towards each other. But spending more and more time with Felix was better than he could have ever hoped for, and Chan thought that that was enough. 

Chan had given his thanks to the stars, yet here he was, gazing up at them again and asking for more. More sunflower blonde hair and mocha eyes. More honeyed skin and cinnamon freckles. More sharp cheekbones and rosebud lips. More  _ Felix. _

The sliding door opens then, and Minho walks out in pj pants and one of Jisung’s hoodies, mustard yellow with faded graphics. The dancer carries two mugs of coffee with him, and hands one to Chan as he takes a seat in the chair opposite of him. Minho waits for Chan to talk first.

Since debut, Minho was the only one who Chan could talk to about Felix. The dancer was the last one to see him before he left and Chan knew that Minho blamed himself for Felix leaving. No one actually knew why he left, they still don’t, but Minho had brought the conversation up to Chan one night when they had one to many beers on a night off.

_ ‘They brought me back to the team and I left him there,’ _ Minho had said,  _ ‘I didn’t even say goodbye when I left the dorms.’ _ Chan had tried to reassure him that no one had really said goodbye, but that night they  _ both _ fell asleep on the couch with red eyes and wet cheeks.

Now Minho sat across from him with tired eyes, watching the sun come up as he took sips of his dark coffee. Chan decided to ask the question that had been nagging at his brain.

“Do you think he resents us?” Chan mutters, Minho slowly turned his head to look at him, “Even now?” 

Minho doesn’t respond right away, he takes another sip and cradles the mug close as he thinks, “Maybe…”

Neither of them wanted that to be the answer, but it cuts through the air either way. Chan blew on his coffee and looked down into the brew as he tried to reason it out. “I told him I wouldn’t leave him behind.”

“You had no control over the line up, no control over where he would go,” Minho shifted in his chair to pull one of his legs up to his chest, his eyes stayed steady on Chan as he spoke, “When we trained after being eliminated, we didn’t think it was possible to be brought back to Stray Kids.”

Chan fidgeted and pulled the blanket around tighter, “He left us.” 

Minho raised an eyebrow at this, “In a way… He did…”

“Without any warning… Without _ any  _ communication…” Even after two years, Chan still couldn’t understand  _ why. _

Minho put down his mug on the arm of the chair, he leaned forward to look Chan in the eye, “Do  _ you _ resent Felix? For leaving?”

Chan straightened in his chair, “No, of course not.”

“Yet you still miss him. Even now...” Minho’s eyes flashed with understanding and he leaned back in the chair again. “Now I get it,” He looked like he was hiding a smile.

Chan shook his head, “We haven’t even talked about it yet, he dodges around it every time and I don’t want to push. I don’t want to mess it up but-”

“Hyung,” Minho interrupts him, looking as if he’s biting back a smile, “You have a _crush_ on Felix.”

Chan’s face heats up and he nearly drops his mug, “Wh- What? No, I just miss having him -”

“We have him, hyung. We practice with him once a week. We're  _ performing _ with him in 3 weeks. You finally even know where he is and yet you still miss him.” Minho doesn’t hide his smile now, “You’re in  _ love  _ with Felix.” 

Chan pouted, drinking more of his coffee and trying not to twitch in his chair, “You don’t know what you're talking about.” 

Minho messes with the sleeve of his stolen sweatshirt, “I know more than you think.” He pushed on before Chan could question him, “What are you going to do about it? This crush?”

The sun had slowly started to peek through the tall buildings and shine into the windows of all the buildings. Chan hears a noise from inside, most likely Jisung falling out of bed. “I asked him if he wanted to hang out.” The truth was out, Chan wasn’t going to deny it anymore. 

Minho picked up his mug again and took a long drink, “Did he respond?”

“Not yet.” As if Felix saying yes or no to _ ‘hanging out’ _ would fix this. It still didn’t change the fact that Chan needed to tell Felix how he really feels. It was like torture seeing seeing him each week at practice and not be able to confess. 

“Ask for my advice,” Minho looked through the glass door into their dorm. Their lights had flicked on and a half awake Jisung shuffled into the living room and collapsed onto the couch in a heap. Minho smiles and looks back over to Chan, “I have good advice.”

Chan watches as Jisung falls back asleep on the couch, “What’s your advice?” 

Taking one last sip of his coffee, Minho empties the mug and lets it hang from his fingers as he stands up and makes his way to the door. “I think you should confess.” 

Chan sputters and nearly spills his coffee, “You think he’ll feel the same?” Minho reaches out and stills Chan’s cup with his own hand to prevent any of the brew from spilling over. 

“Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Felix isn’t the same person he was two years ago, I don’t know what's going on inside his head.” Minho grabs the handle of their door and looks back at Chan one more time, “What I do know is that you won’t be able to get past this unless you tell him, it’s just how you are.”

Minho opens the door and leaves Chan on the balcony to think. Inside, Jisung looks up from the couch and reaches out for the dancer. Minho joins him on the couch and the two end up falling asleep again while almost on top of each other. Chan doesn’t look forward to having to wake the pair up later. 

As Chan thought over his friend's words, he slowly finishes his coffee and stares at the bottom of the scratched porcelain mug. He didn’t have much time before the team needed to start getting ready for the day. Their schedules were filled, having just finished their latest comeback and beginning preparations for their japanese single, their early mornings and late nights were filled with activities. 

Time was going fast, and everyone was exhausted with their non-stop shows and promotions. Chan wondered if Volta was dealing with the same, their debut had reached out to many international fans which called for more press and calls to be in the public eye. Would they even be able to find time in between their schedules to spend time together even if Felix agreed?

Chan’s phone buzzed in his lap with his answer.

  
  


Felix POV

-Hey

-Wanna hang out?

It was 5am when Felix saw Chan’s text. When he reads it three times over, three thoughts go through his head

The first thought is  _ yes _ . Yes, Felix wanted to ‘hang out’ with Chan in every sense of the word. The second thought was what exactly ‘hanging out’ entailed. Did Chan want to get dinner? Go on a walk? Or did he just want to practice their choreography for the KBS collab show…? His third thought was that he didn’t care. Spending time with Chan was fine with Felix regardless of what they decided to do. He texted back quickly.

~ Sure

~ I’m free tonight?

Looking down from his phone, Felix saw Seojun sitting up in his bed and checking his watch. “We still have time hyung,” Felix knew it wouldn’t help his team mate go back to sleep, he was already rubbing the sleep from his eyes and kicking off his blanket to stand up. Seojun was an early riser, the ace never let himself risk the chance of being late. 

“I need to shower,” Seojun mumbled, his morning voice deep and gravely with sleep. 

Felix sat up and pushed his own blankets off to get up with his friend,

“You showered last night though.” 

“I’ll be quick,” The older member dodged out of the room and Felix almost felt like he was chasing after him as he followed.

“Do you at least want some tea?” Felix hung off the door frame as he called after Seojun, he heard Hyunki mumble something incoherent in his sleep from inside their room. “I’ll make some, just the way you like it.”

Seojun looked back at Felix as he grabbed a towel from the hallway closet. He seemed to think the proposal over, taking into account all that it might entail before finally nodding and disappearing into the bathroom.

Felix sighed and looked back into their room one last time, Hyunki was still passed out on his bed, hugging his pillow with one leg hanging off the side. Their leader slept like the dead. 

Making his way into the kitchen, Felix saw that sunlight was only just beginning to filter in through their windows. Early mornings were normal for them, but Felix would never be a morning person. If his head wasn’t spinning with thoughts he probably would have gone back to sleep until Hoshi came and jumped on his bed and jostled him awake. 

He checked his phone again as the kettle started to heat up with hot water. No response from Chan, but he might not be awake yet since the text was sent last night. Felix hadn’t seen it then but he supposed he had been busy with a vlive with Hoshi that had gone on for far too long. By the time they had finished the two had fallen into bed and passed out almost immediately. 

Felix looked into the living room to see Kim Jiho sleeping on the couch, his computer opened on the ground next to him, headphones askew around his neck. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Jiho to spend late nights awake, and it often resulted in him falling asleep before making it back to his room. 

Felix left the rapper to continue sleeping as he pulled two tea bags from their container. He puts one in the bottom of his own glass, and the other on top of a spoon for Seojun to use. Soon the hot water was ready and Felix poured water into both of the glasses and brought them over to the table. He was setting the cups down just as Seojun made his way into the dining room, long blonde hair still dripping and freshly dressed and awake for the day.

They both sat down quietly, Seojun acutely aware that Jiho was asleep in the room just by the computer that he could spot sticking out from behind the couch. Felix watched as the idol began to prepare his tea in his own specific way, wrapping the tea bag around the spoon with the attached string and dunking it into the water to sit.

Choi Seojun had always been very particular, it seemed like everything could have a routine if he tried hard enough. He had very specific ways that he liked things done, to the way he made his tea to the method he used to learn choreography. Seojun worked tirelessly to make sure his performance on and off camera was flawless, it didn’t matter what the circumstances. Perfectionist was a term you could use to describe him, but none of the members did. Seojun’s strive for ‘perfection’ was to a fault, many nights were spent trying to get him to come home when all the ace wanted to do was practice until his throat ran raggad or his feet bled through his socks and left smears of red across the practice room floor. 

Felix watched Seojun as he focused on his tea, carefully stirring it and making sure it was to his standards before taking his first sip. When Felix sees his friends finally relax into his chair, he asks his question, “How do you know when someone likes you, hyung?” 

“In what sense?”

Fleix blushed, but he didn’t mind when it was around Seojun. The older member would notice, but he wouldn’t mention it, “Like a crush, or something like that.” 

Taking a sip of his tea, the ace seemed to think this question over, “Usually,” he starts, “When someone is attracted to another, they will go out of their way to touch them.”

Felix sighed, knowing that aspect wouldn’t help him, “Anything else?”

Seojun raised an eyebrow, “What else? They’ll seek you out, respond to messages quickly, text using ‘cute emojis,’ or open up about their personal life.” He sipped his tea and looked over at the couch where Jiho still snored, “I feel as though I’ve been bribed with tea to talk to you about your relationship problems.”

Felix bit the side of his cheek and looked away, “I never said anything about a relationship…” 

Huffing a laugh, Seojun pushed back the damp chin length hair that had fallen in front of his eyes, “I don’t know much about  _ feelings,  _ but Chan likes you just fine from my social understanding of things, if you like him back then I don’t see the problem.” 

Felix was mid-sip and ended up burning his tongue when Chan’s name was mentioned, he slammed his mug down and coughed on the hot tea trying not to gag. Jiho sat up from the couch then, his red hair a wild mess of bed head, “Ya! I still had 30 minutes of sleep left!” 

Seojun only shrugged while Felix tried to choke out an apology, “Sorry, Hoshi’s still asleep if you want to go back to your room.” 

“You have no business being up right now, this has to be against some sort of roommate rule…” Jiho shuffles past them with his laptop tucked beneath his arm.

“It’s not,” Seojun replies as the door slams shut from behind them, he stares at his mug as he continues on, “But dating is.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never even mentioned Chris,” Felix heard his phone buzz in his pocket again and he fidgets in his seat as he refrains from taking it out to check the notification.

“Felix, I am perhaps the worst person you could have come to with this dilemma, but even I know Chan is the ‘mystery girlfriend’ Jiho teases you about all the time, we all do.” Seojun was never one for eye contact, but in this instant he decided to look at Felix and hold his gaze, “The dating rule  _ is _ there, but even I don’t agree with some of it’s reasoning. You’ve been on your game ever since the company started joining our scheduling with Stray Kids, everyone has noticed and we all think Chan has been a good influence.”

They both didn’t say anything for a moment. Felix looked at Seojun and saw the truth that laid in his stare. But just as quickly, the older member broke the gaze in favor of looking down at his cup of tea, “Just don’t mess it up, secrets can only be kept for so long.”

Seojun takes one last sip of his tea and gets up to put the empty glass in the sink. Felix stays at the table and thinks over his words. All the members knew he had been texting Chan, yet none of them had said anything. Even Hyunki, who still continued to be the most skeptical about the whole group arrangement hadn’t mentioned the ‘relationship’ he and Chan had. He supposed Jiho had it brought it up in his own way, but Jiho was a menace. 

When Seojun disappeared back into their room, Felix takes out his phone to check his texts. Lo and behold, a text from Chan stares up at him, varying ‘cute emojis’ surrounding the message.

-See you tonight! ;)

The day couldn’t have gone by any slower. Sluggish hours mocked Felix and his fit of nerves. Damn their interview, an american company that scooped up any kpop group that they could get their hands on. The host made them answer the same questions that  _ every other _ american company asked. It was tiring, and Felix could only translate for so long before even Hyunki had to chip in and help. 

They didn’t get a chance to eat lunch in between events, so Felix’s stomach twisted and turned as he had his hair bleached and dyed an apricot orange. Even Hoshi was hangry as they did their photoshoot for an upcoming comeback, the maknae’s own hair was dyed a fresh shade of light blue. 

“You’re fidgeting,” Hoshi whispered next to him, the pair stood alone in their set and gave varying looks to the camera. 

“So are you,” Felix mumbles back, lifting his chin and looking into the lens with as much allure as he could. 

“You’re  _ hiding _ something,” the younger wraps his arm around Felix's shoulder and pulls him close, “Would you be so kind and tell your  _ favorite _ maknae what your damage is?”

Felix looks down at Hoshi and raises his eyebrow as he considered his options. He remembers that all the members apparently  _ knew _ about his conversations with Chan, so was it okay to tell them that he was going out with Chan? Probably not.

“I’m just really hungry, excited to get back to the dorm,” It wasn’t a lie.

“ _ Liar _ ,” Hoshi whispered fiercely.

The photographer flashes a light to get their attention, “You two are glaring at each other, lets pretend to be friends for a little while, yeah?” 

Felix pinches his friend’s side and puts on his best smile, fighting through the pain as Hoshi pinched back twice as hard. 

It wasn’t until they were back at the dorm at 7pm that they were able to get any food, but Fleix held off in favor of waiting for when he would go out later with Chan. His stomach protested as he checked his phone over and over for the text telling him that Chan was waiting outside.

Jiho had pulled Hoshi into the living room with their bowls of stir fry to show the younger whatever he was working on last night. Seojun sat with Hyunki at the kitchen table as they ate pop tarts and leftover chicken they had ordered the night before. Felix stood awkwardly between the two pairs, not sure what to do…

His phone buzzed in his hand. That’s his que.

“I’m gonna go pick something up from the store. I’ll probably be a while so don’t wait up if you all get tired,” Felix started to make his way to the door.

Hoshi shot up from the couch and called out to him, “What? You can’t go alone.”

Felix shrugged into a big parka and zipped it all the way up to his collar, “Sure I can, the public is expecting blonde Felix, not orange Felix. And besides,” Felix shoved a large beanie over his head that hid his hair and covered his ears, “I’m good at hiding, unlike  _ some _ people.” 

Jiho seemed to take offence to this, having accidently posted a blurry video showing his new black hair on their Twitter account earlier that day. Hoshi patted the rapper's head to keep him in his seat, “I don’t know… ” Hyunki looked up in between the two, Felix can see his leader debate with himself about whether or not he should step in yet. 

Seojun beats him to the punch, “He’ll be fine,” the second oldest doesn’t look up from his food as he speaks, “Felix can handle himself.”

Hyunki looks at Felix to gauge his reaction, but he had already put on his face mask and opened the door. “See? Even Seojun hyung knows I’ll be okay, and he knows a lot!” 

Before any of them can protest Felix slides out of their apartment and closes the door tight, but not before he sees their eyes flash with a knowing look. He hears Hoshi huff something about ‘hiding something’ again but he wasn’t interested as he bolted down the stairs towards the lobby doors. Right before he goes out into the night he steals himself, catching his breath and making sure his hat and mask are securely in place. When Felix exits the building his eyes search for anyone waiting around looking suspicious, this time it wouldn’t be creepy journalists. 

When Felix’s eyes catch a figure standing across the street clad in all black, he fights not to skip as he crosses the crosswalk. When he finally reached the figure, he ducks to peer under the ballcap and meet his eyes, “Hey.”

The mask covers the lower half of Chan’s face but Felix sees the smile in his eyes as he responds, “Hey there.” That's all the confirmation he needs to quickly wrap his arms around Chan in a hug. Felix no longer bothered with trying for a hand shake, he didn’t like them anyway. Chan held him as he always did, and Felix hummed into his black hoodie as they stayed there for a few moments. Chan mumbls in his ear, “Missed you.”

“I saw you yesterday,” Felix giggled as he took a step away from Chan, adjusting his beanie to make sure it was still in place. 

“Still missed you,” Chan rubbed the back of his neck, a movement Felix knew meant he was nervous. He wondered if Chan still knew any of his tells, if any of them were still the same as they were two years ago.  _ That  _ didn’t matter right now though.

“I’m starved,” Felix decides to press on through his distracted thoughts. He  _ needs _ food, having held off for too long, “Mind if we eat?” 

Chan POV

Chan nodded quickly, “Yeah! Yeah of course we can, what did you have in mind?” Even with most of his face covered, Felix still looked beautiful. The cobalt blue parka and grey beanie seemed to frame him perfectly under the dim street lights. 

“I’ll eat anything,” Felix looked down the street towards the restaurants and fast food shops on the street, then corrected himself, “Not  _ anything _ , I don’t think I could survive another bite of that ramen from yesterday.”

Laughing, Chan starts towards the stores, “How about some fried chicken that we can take over and eat in the park?” 

“Yeah,  _ that _ sounds romantic for sure,” Felix walks beside him and links his arm with Chan’s, “N-not that I want it to be  _ romantic _ , I don’t expect anything from fried chicken like that. Actually, fried chicken isn’t romantic at all. A  _ park  _ on the other hand could be, but I don’t-”

“Fried chicken it is then” Chan interrupts Felix’s train of thought quickly, “We don’t have to go to the park if you don’t want to.” 

“No no. Please, I want to!” Felix’s steps bounce as he looks up at Chan with wide eyes, “Please?’ 

Chan looks down at Felix and smiles, “Of course Lix, anything you want.” Not sure where the nickname came from, Chan blushes. Felix quickly looks forward and doesn’t comment on it, but Chan feels his arm pull a little tighter in his own. 

They walk until they find a place selling their anticipated fried chicken, Felix tells him that it’s the best spot in the city for it. They keep their heads down as they order and Felix is constantly pushing little locks of orange back into his beanie. They fight over who is going to pay as their food is prepared and Chan ends up winning by handing his card over to the cashier before Felix can get his own out. 

“If you want, you can carry our romantic fried chicken?” Chan picks up the paper bag full of their food and plops it into Felix’s arms. The younger squints his eyes at him from over the bag, and Chan can swear he’s sticking his tongue out. Felix quickly turns and makes his way for the small park that was further down the road, Chan has to race to catch up with him. 

They talk mindlessly as they walk. Felix seems as if he really is starved, sneakily taking out small pieces of chicken and eating as they make their way to the park. When they arrived, the only light outside came from the bright moonlight and the street lamps that lined the path that led through the grounds. 

The pair pick a spot underneath a camphor tree that is situated near one of the lamps, giving them enough light to eat but also stay fairly hidden from any curious eyes. The weather was brisk, so they huddled close as they ate. Chan sat cross legged while Felix hugged his knees close as they pressed their shoulders together. 

“Did they not feed you today?” Chan askes Felix as they stuff their face masks into their pockets and take bites of the hot chicken. 

Felix holds his mouth open as he tries not to burn his tongue, “Not today,” he mumbles as he tries to chew, “No time.”

“Hmm,” Chan hums as he drinks out of their shared bottle of water, “busy day?”

Shrugging, Felix leans a little more into Chan’s shoulder as he reaches for another piece. “We are preparing for our first comeback, album photoshoot and all that fun stuff.” he gets the piece of chicken, but continues to lean on Chan as he takes another bite, “Hair appointment ran into our time for lunch.”

Chan brushes some of Felix’s bangs behind his ear, regretting it when he sees how close their faces had gotten, “I like the orange, anyone else sporting a new color?” 

“Hoshi got  _ bright blue _ , but we’ll see how long that lasts,” Felix’s laughs, and despite the cold Chan finds himself warmed by the sound. They talk comfortably, it’s just like their conversations over the phone. Easy and effortless. 

“Jiho is gonna think we’re copying you guys again when he sees Jeongin has his hair dyed blue too,” Chan can only begin to imagine the chaos in the groupchat when they discover the news. 

“Well, at least you won't be matching Jiho hyung anymore, he had his dyed black today too,” Felix finished the last piece of chicken and they both wiped their hands and put all the trash back into the paper bag. 

“About that…” Chan adjusts his own baseball hat and grins to hide his fear.

“No way...” Felix reaches for his hat but Chan dodges away quickly, leaning back and batting away the younger’s hand.

“Now to be  _ clear, _ I don’t decide when I dye my hair. And it wasn’t Jiho’s decision to continue to steal my look.” 

“Chris, he’s gonna _ lose it  _ when he finds out!” Felix reaches for the cap again and this time snags it off his head to reveal the deep brunette hair underneath. Felix smiles at his victory, ruffling Chan’s hat hair to make it stick up every which way. 

Chan wraps his arm around Felix’s shoulders to bring him in close to get his hat back, “Which is why he doesn’t know yet. There's still _ time.”  _ Felix huffs and hugs the hat close so that Chan is unable to take it back. 

“Preventing the inevitable is risky, Hyunki says sometimes you just have to ‘rip off the bandaid,’” Felix seemed to push closer into Chan’s arms, fitting perfectly against his side. Chan gave up on trying to get his hat back as he watched Felix rest his head on his shoulder. After the little outburst of energy the two fall into a comfortable silence as Chan holds Felix in his arms. 

They sit there for a moment and just listen to the quiet of the autumn garden. Chan tries to think of any way of telling Felix about his feelings, but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. He thinks that maybe he could be okay with Felix staying like this, a friend that he could count on to get some late night fried chicken with. But then his thoughts stray to Felix’s eyes, and how Chan had to remind himself to let go when they had first hugged that night. 

He wasn’t letting go of Felix now. He didn’t want to.

Instead, Chan brought the hand that wasn’t around Felix’s shoulders up to the top of the rookie idols head, slowly taking off the beanie and revealing the freshly dyed sherbert color. Felix didn’t protest, staying quiet and still, fiddling with the hem of his jacket. Chan discarded the beanie and slowly started to run his hand through Felix’s hair, gently unknotting it from the little tangles his fingers caught on. 

Slowly, Felix leaned into the touch, tilting his head up to have it rest underneath Chan’s chin. The scent of hairspray and sunflowers still lingered in the younger’s hair, and Chan unwittingly lowered his head to breath in the smell, pressing his lips against the top of his head. Chan wasn’t sure if they were kisses, but he continued to leave the soft press of his lips all the way down Felix’s skull until he reached the younger temple. That’s when he froze and realized what he was doing.

Felix had continued to tilt his head to give Chan easier access, but they both stilled when his mouth caressed his skin. It wasn’t until Felix turned to fully face Chan that he felt how hot his cheeks were.

“Felix…” Pressing his back into the camphor tree, Chan steadied his gaze on Felix. His features under the moonlight were beautiful, the hair that now stuck up every which way lookes near silver and the shadows casted over his eyes made them almost glow. But more specifically, Chan looked at the younger’s lips that were pressed into a thin line, he saw them part and mumble in that low english that washed over him like a wave. 

“Sometimes…” Felix whispers as he pushes himself up so that their eyes are level, noses brushing, “Sometimes I just want to ‘rip the bandaid off.’” Chan held his breath, his hands sliding down to hold Felix’s waist. “But I get scared. I hesitate,” Their eyes meet and Chan feels as if their heartbeats were matched. Felix seemed to be searching his eyes for something.

“You shouldn’t be scared,” Chan tried not to fidget with Felix half on top of him, “Shouldn’t hesitate if it’s something you want.”

Felix’s hands slid over Chan’s shoulders and around his neck, “You think so?” Chan’s breath hitches when Felix’s fingers pull at the hair at the nape of his neck. He tried not to squeeze Felix’s waist too tight as the smaller idol presses impossibly closer, “If it backfires…”

“It won’t,” Chan reassures as he brought one of his hands up to cup Felix’s jaw, he brushes his thumb against his cheek and felt the warmth that radiated there, “I mean, you’ve always been- I guess I wouldn’t know, but  _ you _ can always do wha-”

He’s cut off by a press of lips and a gasp of air. It doesn’t last long but Chan’s eyes fall shut as Felix  _ finally _ pushes his mouth against his own. Their chests rise and fall against each other and when Felix pulls away the air they breath is hot. 

When Chan opens his eyes he sees Felix had drawn his brows together, looking unsure, “Chris, uhh…” the younger idol starts to pull back and bite his lip. Chan doesn’t allow for him to get far, pulling him close with the arm still around his waist and meeting him halfway as he kisses him again. 

The second kiss lasted longer, their lips moved against each other and Felix’s fingers pulled on Chan’s hair. The younger slowly lifted one of his knees to shift over so that he is sitting on top of Chan’s crossed legs. It wasn’t until they both ran out of air that Felix drew back and pressed his forehead into Chan’s. 

“ _ Chris _ …” Felix breathed his name like a prayer, Chan felt his breath fan over him in a cloud of condensation. Reality began to set in when Felix flipped up the hood of his parka to hide their faces again, making it so that all they could see was each other. 

“ _ Felix _ …” Chan brushed back the bangs that had fallen in front of his friend’s face, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

“Really?” Felix giggled, running his hands up the sides of Chan’s head to ruffle his hat hair, “Since when?”

“Since I first saw you perform at your debut show,” It wasn’t a lie, but his longing for Felix had always been there after he left the company. Maybe this was why. “What about you?” Felix  _ had  _ been the one to kiss him first.

The younger idol hummed, tracing his fingers over the different features of Chan’s face. A thumb brushed over his jaw, a forefinger traced the outline of his ear, “I’m not sure, maybe yesterday?”

A laugh escaped as Chan pulled at the hood of the parka, “You sure figured out your feeling quickly then.  _ I _ on the other hand have been in a state of panic for the last few months.” 

“Well, I’m glad we both eventually figured it out,” Felix smiled and leaned down to kiss Chan again. It was perfect, a balanced mix of warmth from their bodies and coolness from the weather that had them cuddling close to preserve their heat. They fit together like a lock and key, they completed each other like a pair of wings they have finally taken to the sky. 

They whisper things to each other that they have both longed to say. ‘Your leather stage outfit on mubank kept me awake for days.’ ‘I have one of your photocards in my phone.’ ‘I wish you had never dyed your hair red.’ ‘You look cute when you eat spicy food.’

Their eyes wondered unabashedly and their hands traveled everywhere. Chan finally felt the stress that had kept him from sleep for so long slowly wash away. Felix was beautiful and he could finally tell him without reservation. He whispered the words again and again into his ear, and Felix whispered them right back. 

Eventually the two fell into a comfortable silence, Chan held Felix in his arms and traced delicate patterns onto the skinny jeans that straddled his lap. He felt his mind muddle within the bliss they had created, and when his mouth opened to express what he was feeling an entirely new thought made its way out instead. 

“You never should have left...”

It wasn’t something they had ever discussed before. Felix leaving JYP was a ‘no-go’ topic that stayed in the back of Chan’s mind as something that was deemed an uncomfortable subject of conversation. But as he waited for a response, he felt Felix slowly become more and more rigid in his hold. His head stayed tucked away in the crook of Chan’s neck, but the hot breath that had one fanned across his skin disappeared.

The next words that Felix mumbles are filled with unease, “I don’t understand...”

And _ oh _ , how Chan wanted to make him understand, “You could have stayed at JYP. Could have stayed with us. With me.” How much easier would it have been? When Felix left it was as if he had left the team behind. But if he had stayed they could have continued to see each other, Chan could have known where he was.

Felix’s hands lowered from around Chan’s neck and pushed on his chest to put distance between them. When their eyes met Chan saw the hurt in his expression, “No… I couldn’t.” The deep voice wavered, the air around them was still.

“I didn’t know where you went, no one knew _why._ I had to check with the trainee managers because I didn’t believe it when I had found all your stuff gone from the dorms.” Chan could fix this, he could make this broken expression on Felix’s face go away if he explained himself. He could make Felix understand how the company leaving had shattered him and how he had been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.

“I needed to let you go Chris,  _ you _ needed to let me go.” Felix’s voice broke but he still seemed to be holding back as he searched Chan’s eyes for  _ something.  _ Whatever he was looking for, he wasn’t finding it. 

Trying to reassure the younger idol, Chan brought his hands up to grip Felix’s hands that continued to push on his chest. Maybe this was why they had never discussed this, it was as if he was watching Felix’s heart break again as memories from two years ago began to resurface. Yet Chan couldn’t seem to stop himself as the words continued to fall from his lips and into the chilled air, “ _ Felix, _ you didn’t need to let us go, you might have even been able to come back to the group and been part of Stray Kids again. I could of helped you-”

“I was  _ never _ going to ‘ _ come back _ ,’” The words were almost harsh as they pierced the air and cut Chan off. Anything Chan had to say was after that was silenced when Felix stood up from his lap and adjusted his disheveled clothes. “I was never going to come back and be part of  _ Stray Kids  _ after I was  _ eliminated.”  _ Chan tried to stand up but Felix put out his hand to stop him, “Even before Minho left, I was  _ drowning _ .” Felix was trembling, even in the faint moonlight Chan saw the tears that had welled in his eyes.

Chan didn’t know what to say, so Felix continued on, “I was being  _ dragged down _ by my failures, the only way I was able to climb out of that hole _ …”  _ Felix gestured to Chan as he still stayed seated on the ground, “Was to leave  _ you _ behind.” The words ripped through the both of them as Felix held back a sob, “I thought you understood that? I thought you were proud of me?”

“I am proud of you!” That Chan was sure of. Watching Felix come back was amazing, of course he was happy that the rookie idol had become so successful in his own group. Chan had told Felix he wouldn’t leave him behind, and in the end Felix had been the one to leave Chan behind. 

Felix shook his head incredulously, “You just wish I had never left JYP. You wanted me to stay a trainee until my window of opportunity was gone for good,” Felix picked up his hat and stuffed it on over his head to cover up his hair once more, “You just wish I had never debuted.” His tears finally spilled over, dipping from his jaw and staining his coat with little dots. 

Chan wanted to wipe them away, he wanted to pull Felix close again and  _ kiss _ them away. This wasn’t what he had wanted to happen, this was all wrong. “That’s not what I meant, we could have worked it out-” 

“I was  _ never _ coming back to Stray Kids, that wasn’t in the cards for me,” Felix interrupted him one final time as he backed away towards the pathway that led out of the park, “But stepping away was. I left for the good of myself  _ and _ your team…” Chan felt his heart crack as Felix turned and made his way towards the entrance of the park, his final words echoing through his mind. 

“Maybe I should have stayed away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... lol ...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was once again beta read by Lesamoreuxvi!

Felix POV

When Felix got back to his dorm after his disastrous ‘date,’ all of his members were waiting for him in the living room. His cheeks were still streaked with tears and there was no hiding it in time for them not to see.

Hoshi is the first to jump up from his seat and hug him, quickly crossing the space and embracing him before he is able to get his coat or hat off. Felix just stands there, dazed and emotionally wrecked. His arms are limp and he doesn’t make eye contact with any of his members as they all make their way over to him. Hyunki helps him shrug off his coat, it gets discarded somewhere in their small mud room as they take his hand and guide him to the couch to sit down. Jiho tugs off his beanie and Seojun brushes away the parts of his bangs that had gotten wet with tears.

“‘Mm sorry,” Felix mumbles as he tucks his chin down to his chest and curls into Hyunki’s side. Hoshi sits on the other side of him and Jiho sits on the ground beside the couch, Seojun watches from the kitchen where he has started making tea. 

“It’s okay,” Hyunki doesn’t ask him to explain, Felix suspects that they already know where he had been. “It’s okay, Lee Felix. We’re here.”

They were always there. The depths of Felix’s mind could understand that much even when he felt this  _ empty.  _ The five of them had always stuck together through their hardships. Even now, with Felix caught in a spiral of past emotions, each member did their part to bring him up from that dark abyss. Hyunki gives him his shoulder to cry on while Hoshi carefully unties his shoes and slips them off and away, covering him with a warm blanket. Jiho turns on their air humidifier and places it on the side table, providing white noise in between Felix’s sniffs and gasps. Seojun brings over a tray of tea and honey, carefully handing out the different cups and sitting down in a chair across from them.

After a few sips of the tea, Felix wipes at his eyes and pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders. Chan’s face flashes through his mind again and he struggles to block out the countless smiles they had shared that night. The countless smiles that Felix thought were signs of change, of moving on. “I thought…” his words are shaky and broken, “I thought he was proud of me.” 

Hyunki rubs his shoulders and hums, “I’m sure he’s proud of you.” His leader’s voice has always been a source of calm, of security, “I’m  _ positive _ .”

“He said I should have stayed at  _ JYP,”  _ Felix sees some of the members shift in their seats, “He said I could have  _ come back.”  _

Jiho looks ready to run outside and all the way back to the park, “Who the fu-”

“Chan and the rest of his team missed you a lot when you left. I can see how his thoughts would want to stray there after all this time,” Seojun effectively cuts off Jiho’s threats and pushes forward in his chair, “I don’t think he realized what he was saying.”

Felix pushes into Hyunki’s side and huffs, “Whether or not he realized it or not, his true feelings finally showed themselves… I thought after we… I mean we…” 

Hoshi pulls Jiho onto the couch and stops him from leaving the living room, “I don’t think Chan hyung wanted to hurt your feelings. He didn’t know where you were for a long time, and when he found out you debuted he probably thought you could have done the same if you had stayed at their company.” 

Seojun chimes in then, “That’s flawed logic, but I can see how from his perspective he thought it possible.” 

“This doesn't change anything,” Felix wipes away another stray tear, “Chan doesn’t understand  _ any _ of this.”

“You’re right. He should learn.” Hyunki squeezes his shoulder reassuringly, “He should learn and then he should apologize. But until then,” Their leader takes out his phone and checks their schedule, “We have practice with them tomorrow morning.” 

Fleix’s heart sinks, even Seojun quirks his eyebrow with unease.

“Let’s all get some sleep, I’ll take care of it.” Hyunki pats Felix’s head and pushes them to stand up. Felix shuffles into his room and falls onto his bed in a heap, Hoshi and Jiho end up crawling into Hyunki’s bed while Hyunki lays down next to Felix and holds him to help with his shaking. 

Slowly, Felix’s mind sorts through his memories and thoughts until they resemble the relative timeline of that night. Chan  _ did _ like Felix, he liked him enough to want to kiss him for seemingly endless minutes and moments of bliss. When they had touched and touched and touched it had felt as if those moments would never end. 

But it had ended, and those moments had been cut off with the realization that Chan had never understood why Felix had left. Chan would have let Felix continue to drown if he had stayed at JYP, constantly fighting to be something he couldn’t. 

Felix holds one of Hyunki’s hands that is wrapped around his middle, the rough pads of his fingers a stark contrast to his own soft hands. He threads their fingers together and remembers how he had done the same with Chan not hours before. Despite everything he still wants to hold Chan’s hands, and it makes his thoughts all the more confusing.

Felix shouldn’t want to be close to him, yet his mind still replays their kisses over and over again. He pictures the hands that traveled the expanse of his chest and snuck under his shirt to fit perfectly into the curve of his waist. Felix had gasped when Chan’s cold hands had touched him, they had sent chilled shivers down his back and up his spine again until Felix had to hide his face beneath the collar of his coat. 

Covering his face in his pillow, Felix tries to get a hold on his thoughts again and put away those memories. He feels his face flush again. It isn’t fair to have such perfect moments tainted by his own troubled past. Maybe Felix had ruined their friendship by kissing Chan, and this was really all just his fault. 

It was always his fault. 

Chan POV

Chan had gone home angry. After being left in the park he had kicked the camphor tree they had sat under and walked home in a whirlwind of rage. He didn’t stop, not for anyone or anything. As he passed Seungmin reading in the living room he brushed off his questions and slammed the door of his bedroom. Luckily it was empty, and as he climbed up into the top bunk he threw over his blanket and hid in a bundle of irritation. 

He didn’t know why he was angry, but his thoughts were too jumbled up to think straight. His mind flashed the memory of Felix looking down at him, his eyes looking utterly broken. He remembered the tears that fell down his cheeks and the shaking of his small hands that stuck out from his coat. The last words that he had heard had made his mind short circuit until now. 

_ ‘Maybe I should have stayed away.’  _

_ No no no.  _ He hadn’t been able to call out to him, the name  _ ‘Felix’ _ was to recognisable in a city like Seoul. He couldn’t draw attention to himself or his friend.

_ Friend.  _ Were they still friends? Could Chan text Felix and tell him he didn’t mean it? That he takes it all back? Would that fix this mess and bring him back?

He didn’t understand why Felix had been so upset, couldn’t understand how he had messed up enough to ruin such a perfect night. Felix said he left for the good of both of them, but Chan felt as if he had been suffering when he didn’t know where Felix was. The younger idols words still echoed through his head. 

_ ‘I was never coming back to Stray Kids.’ _

Chan had thought that Felix could have joined the team again like Minho. Maybe in another mission during the survival show he could have been brought back and the judges could see how much potential he had. 

_ ‘Even before Minho left, I was  _ drowning _.’ _

When he had heard Felix’s voice break Chan had flinched. Felix had always come to him for any of his problems and Chan had welcomed him and helped him as much as he could. Felix didn’t tell him  _ this _ , it didn’t seem like he had told anyone. 

_ ‘I needed to let you go Chris, you needed to let me go.’ _

Chan threw off his blanket and sat straight up in his bed. It wasn’t fair to Felix to have gone through all that by himself. To be dragged down by those worries and fears after losing Chan and the rest of the team. It had been wrong to question him leaving the company and it had been wrong to have wanted him to stay. 

_ ‘The only way I was able to climb out of that hole, was to leave you behind.’ _

Chan didn’t deserve to have Felix after he had failed to keep him on the team. He had told Felix he wouldn’t leave him behind and he had let him down. Chan’s mind slowly began to unravel and form a clear understanding of things. He had ruined everything. It was as if now things were worse than before he had found Volta. 

Chan takes out his phone and looks down at the screen. No new notifications. When he opens up their messages he sees their last texts from earlier that day, the last one is Chan telling Felix that he is waiting outside. He types and types and retypes, not knowing what he could possibly say to Felix to make this right. Nothing he could say could get his point across. No apology could fix the mess he had made. 

Right when he is about to send a gif of a sad pikachu, a banner pops up at the top of his screen and interrupts the horrible idea. It’s a message from Choi Seojun to the group chat, a reminder that they had practice tomorrow and that they needed to perfect the final aspects of their choreography so they could prepare for dress rehearsals and camera angles. Chan deletes the gif and falls back onto his bed. His head hits the pillow and he takes a breath, mentally thanking the Volta ace for stopping himself from making a mistake. Sad pikachu could not fix this, but an in person meeting could. 

Chan could talk to him at their dance practice, he could fix this and make everything okay again. Maybe it wouldn’t go back to the way things were immediately, but if Chan could explain how he had done wrong then maybe they could get past this. Maybe, if time allowed he could even kiss Felix again. 

Sleep pulls on his consciousness, and soon his roommates shuffle into the room and collapse onto their respective beds. Minho’s hand reaches up to grasp Chan’s hand that sticks out of the blanket, but the only reassurance he gives the dancer is a light squeeze. The hand retracts, and the lights are turned off. 

Sleep comes quickly, and in the morning Chan discovers that he is the last one to wake up. When he falls out of bed the room is empty, the soft sounds of a waking house could be heard coming from the hallway, but it seems Changbin and Minho had been quiet when they got up. When you room together long enough it seems you pick up on who needs more sleep on certain nights. 

Chan is still in his black jeans and sweatshirt, he hadn’t changed out from his outing last night. Before he leaves he changes into proper practice clothes, exchanging his outfit for softer pants and a lighter hoodie. When he leaves the bedroom he’s almost hit by Jisung who scurries by with only a towel around his waist, Minho chases after him with a can of febreeze. Seungmin is in the kitchen heating up an entire box of eggo waffles, and Jeongin is applying butter, jelly, nutella and banana to different waffles depending on what each member prefers. 

Hyunjin sits beside Jeongin and reads off a bright orange post-it note, “It says that Jisung wants syrup but we’re all out…” 

“Cover it in sugar,” Changbin calls as he comes in from the living room and takes one of the toasted eggos from beside Seungmin.

Jeongin cringes, “That’s not how syrup works. At all.” 

“He’ll be fine,” Hyunjin looks devious as he hands over two more eggos for Jeongin to prepare, reading out another member’s preference, “Seungmin likes jam.”

It was mornings like these that Chan was so used to, the gentle chaos of 7 different boys getting ready for the day. Each member had a different way of waking up just like they had different ways of eating their eggos. Chan wasn’t used to being the last one up, but none of them mentioned the anomaly as they all set about their different tasks and routines. 

Jisung finally makes it into the living room in a proper set of clothes on, and Minho follows behind and plops down onto the couch with a huff, “These practices are a little early, don’t you think?” The dancer reaches up his arms and stretches his entire body from where he is sprawled on the sofa. 

“Maybe if you don’t stay up all night texting Jisung you’d be more awake?” Seungmin gestures to the rapper with his set of tongs, “I woke up to him giggling in the middle of the night and had to take his phone away.” 

Jisung pouts, “You’re not my mom… You had no right…” 

“I had every right when it intruded on Hyunjin’s beauty sleep. I wasn’t about to face his wrath at 2 in the morning because you two couldn’t stop flirting!” Seungmin snaps the tongs at Minho and proceeds to pull out the last two waffles from the toaster.

“Sending cat videos to Hannie is not  _ flirting,”  _ Minho sticks his tongue out at Seungmin and makes grabby hands towards the eggo Jeongin is holding that is covered with nutella.

“It is when  _ you _ do it,” Changbin mutters from the kitchen, his mouth full of waffle and tub butter.

Jisung stands in the middle of the argument with a pensive expression, looking between the members in the kitchen and the dancer on the couch. Eventually he gives in and goes to the couch to sit with Minho, lifting his legs to make room for himself. 

Jeongin hands out all the prepared waffles to their respective owners and they all eat with Chan’s laptop playing one of their newest projects over a mini speaker on the kitchen table. 

“You think Stay will like it?” Jeongin asks as the song plays, his brows drawn together as he chew his waffle topped with chocolate and fruit.

Chan nods as he eats his buttered eggo, “I think they will. When we do the MV shoot you just have to have confidence, yeah?”

“And be decked out with a giant fur coat,” Hyunjin grins from across the room as he eats his own waffle plain.

Jeongin laughs, and the rest of the members finish their breakfast with haste. Their manager texts them that their vans are waiting outside. They put away all their waffle toppings and all shrug on various jackets and coats, making their way outside and into the vans while being sure that their faces are properly covered. 

The ride to Volta’s company building was making Chan’s stomach turn and he couldn’t help but check his phone over and over again for a text or message from Felix. Their joint group chat was active and all the members either played games on their phone or texted about what their plan for their practice should focus on that day. Chan watched for any input from Felix, but it was radio silence from the lead dancer. 

Slowly, Chan’s mind begins to fill with doubt. There was no way to know how this would go. Maybe Felix would shut him out, maybe he had already blocked his number again and this was about to be a disaster either way. He has to go in with a level head but as the car pulls up through the underground parking garage Chan’s chest is filling up with a red hot sting of anticipation. 

There is no one waiting for them by the exit of the parking lot when the members clamber out of the van. Stay Kids had been to the company building enough times enough to know where to go, no longer needing a guide. As all of them walked towards the practice room set aside for them they keep quiet for anyone else practicing on the floor. Various songs and voices could be heard from different rooms along the hallway. Mixed Media Entertainment was a growing company filled with all sorts of fresh talent, Volta seemed to be only the beginning of its success. 

Felix had made a good choice to come here, it was perfect for him. 

When his team finally reaches their practice room Chan does not feel prepared. When he walks into the room he doesn't know what to expect; Volta is always unpredictable like that. Felix could have been waiting on the other side of the door ready to punch his teeth in, instead he doesn't find Felix there at all. 

Only four members of Volta wait for them in the practice room, and none of them are the sherbet haired idol that Chan had kissed last night. Stray Kids find Hyunki waiting for them by the door, Jiho and Hoshi are in a partnered straddle stretch by the speaker boxes, their hair is freshly dyed just like Felix had said. Hoshi sports a bright blue and Jiho’s been dyed a solid black. Seojun walks along the mirror doing a hamstring stretch, the blonde doesn’t bother to look up from off the ground. Chan expects Jiho to go off about how their hair is matching again, but instead he just looks at them with a vacant expression. Hoshi smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey guys,” Hyunki’s grin is more practiced, Chan can still see right through it, “Ready to get started?” 

The atmosphere is strained, Chan’s own team picks up on the mood of the room and quickly drops their own energy to match Volta’s. Changbin quirks a brow, “Where’s Felix?” 

Hyunki’s eyes stray to the side, Chan tries not to follow their gaze, “Felix is doing his vocal recordings today, it’s gonna end up taking up most of today’s practice. Seojun has his parts memorized though so he can step in for any joint parts that need work.” The Volta leader gives two thumbs up for reassurance, the finality of his words not leaving room for argument. 

The rest of Chan’s members end up spreading out around the room to begin stretches as Hyunjin sticks out his tongue, “Shit time to have a  _ recording day. _ We really needed him here for final formation checks and adjustments.” 

Hyunki shrugs, “Sometimes you have to learn how to move forward without the things you want.” 

It feels like a slap to the face, but Chan tries not to take the comment the wrong way. Hyunki doesn’t make eye contact with any of them but instead turns to go do his own warm up routine. Hyunjin cringes, “Sure, I guess…” 

The rest of the members don’t mention the absence, all beginning their own warm ups and stretches. Minho shoots Chan a look that is almost like an accusation, but even he stays silent on the matter. As Chan pulls on different muscles he thinks of all the different rooms they had passed. He hadn’t heard Felix’s voice in any of the vocal rooms, and he  _ knows _ he would have recognised it. Maybe Hyunki is lying, maybe Volta knows what happened last night and they are trying to keep Chan away.

The two groups go through their practice with only minor issues due to Felix’s absence. Hoshi is depleted of energy and Jiho seems even more irritable than he usually is. Chan watches as his own members struggle to understand the shift in attitude. He hadn’t even mentioned his date with Felix or the sour note they had left on, not wanting to distract them from their work. Yet it has gone bad either way and now Volta was in defensive mode. It was all his fault that Felix wasn’t there, and he had to fix this. 

Chan waited until the end of their practice, knowing that Felix would never get back from his ‘vocal recording.’ By the end of their multiple run throughs and finalization of steps and forms everyone was exhausted. Like Hyunki had said, Seojun had somehow been able to dance the parts of two people. Chan found it amazing that the ace could switch between the choreography easily and not even miss a beat. Even by the end the rookie idol was still wanting to mark and fix little imperfections that he deemed important. Choi Seojun was  _ no  _ joke of an idol, and Chan found himself wondering how Felix and the rest of his team ever got him out of the practice room.

“We’ll see you all next week yeah?” Hyunki is sitting on one of the chairs lined up along the room, watching the various members of Volta and Stray Kids scattered about the seats as well as the floor. 

“We start practices in the KBS Hall next week,” Seungmin was once again typing away on his phone and probably scrounging up all the details about the event, “It’s not so early in the morning either since we are sharing with other groups and their own rehearsals.” 

“Two weeks left until the show,” Changbin had started to fantasize about what he would do with the extra few hours of sleep.

Jeongin stares up at the ceiling from where he laid on the ground, “And four weeks until the New Year.”

Jisung laughs, “Everyone’s company better start paying Dispatch!”

They all laugh and the moment ended up being one of the few nice ones from that morning. But as all things do the morning had ended and it was now time to leave. Chan hadn't seen Felix and now Volta was walking them to the exit. 

Chan stays behind his team, watching them as they walk and walk further away from his hope of fixing his mess. When they finally reach the entrance to the underground parking lot that had their vans lined up the four Volta members stop and wave goodbye to them. As the six younger members each file into their respective vehicle Chan holds back by the entrance and waits a moment before turning around.

He is faced with the  _ wall _ that is Volta. All four members stand in a line across the doorway that now creates a barrier between Chan and the rest of the building. 

Chan waits until he hears the kick of the last door closing before speaking, it feels as if he croaks out the words, “Is he okay?” 

They all look hesitant, but Hyunki is the one who answers, “He’s okay.” 

Jiho snarls, “No thanks to  _ you _ .” Hoshi takes the rapper's hand and squeezes it tight, the gesture seems to hold him back from saying more. The space still crackles with tension. Chan takes a step forward and all four members go rigid.

“I just need to talk to him,” Chan pleads, he’s ready to beg if he must, “I can fix this.” He  _ has _ to fix this.

“Felix isn’t ready to talk right now.” Seojun states it as a fact, straightforward as he always is. 

Hyunki’s lips are downturned and persed, when he speaks it’s with a level tone, “Seojun is right. Now’s not the time to try and ‘fix’ things. I think it’s best if you both take a step back. This whole thing has escalated to a point where Felix needs to have a breather and you need to ease off.” 

Chan takes another step forward, “ _ You  _ can’t just decide what he can and can not do-”

Hyunki takes a step away from his members and comes eye to eye with Chan. He spits out his words to interrupt him, “I  _ can _ make those decisions when Felix is part of  _ my _ team.” The two leaders stare each other down. Hyunki stands at a taller height than Chan does but their level of energy was at a match. The next words out of Hyunki’s mouth are softer, a near whisper that only Chan can pick up on, “Don’t make this harder for him than it has to be. Don’t ruin what relationship you have left.”

The two stare at each other for a moment longer before Hoshi pipes up from behind the rookie leader, “Hyung?” 

Hyunki breaks eye contacts and steps back in line and Chan is left feeling at a loss. “We’ll see you next week. Felix will be finding his own ways to practice until the show, and when we do perform together…” Hyunki bows low and Chan is forced to do the same, “Please keep in mind that I will do  _ anything _ to keep my members safe from what I deem a threat.” 

Chan mentally clocks that his members could be watching from the vans as they wait. Reality then cut in and he knew there needed to be no signs of a problem if this whole situation were to still go smoothly as possible, “Of course, see you all next week.”

He turns away quickly, not catching their reactions. He doesn’t care. Whether or not Felix’s members understand what had happened doesn’t matter anymore,  _ they _ are what is blocking him from Felix. Or…

Maybe Felix is using his members to keep Chan out. Felix had said that he should have stayed away, but it was hard to believe that he would put up barriers between them like he had today. Texting or calling wouldn’t work then. If Felix really does need space, Chan can wait. Two weeks until the KBS Show and then they’d be on holiday. He supposes it could be worse… 

Changbin nudges Chan’s arm as he climbs into the seat next to him, “You okay?” 

Chan smiles at his friend, “I’m fine, just tired.” He was exhausted, and his plan to fix his problem with Felix was getting rearranged and pushed back more and more, “I can’t wait for the show.” 

Changbin grins, “Yeah, maybe because you got a look at your stage outfit huh?” 

“I’m not complaining, and I don’t think  _ Stay _ will either,” Chan chuckles as he remembers seeing the stylists holding up different clothes today during their water breaks. They mixed and matched until each member of both Volta and Stray Kids had a perfect outfit for the show. Everyone would wear varying tech wear and street fashion in shades of black and red, with pops of Volta’s signature electric yellow. Chan likes the outfits, it brought both of their concepts together nicely and everyone was fairly comfortable in them. 

“Anything is better than my brown jumpsuit,” Changbin hums, leaning back in his seat and sticking in his earphones to block out the rest of the world. 

Seungmin looks up from his phone and mutters his agreement, “Back Door was… Interesting.” 

Chan laughs, and it helps his mind ease up from his worries. He can do this, he can give Felix his space and in the meantime distract himself with group activity and his own members. As the car pulls away from Volta’s company building, Chan’s head fills with different ways he could get Felix back. Dreams of pulling him close again and making sure Felix knew how proud he is and how he would always be there for him no matter what group he was in. 

But Chan can wait, he can wait until Felix is ready to let him back in. 

  
  


Felix POV

It’s not until later in the afternoon that Felix meets up with the rest of his team. They all look worn out from the practice from earlier. That morning Felix had apologized profusely for any trouble he would cause and his friends had all pardoned the problems and reassured him that he wasn’t the issue. Felix had still spent the rest of the morning a nervous wreck. 

As Hoshi approaches Felix they immediately embrace. Felix struggles to hold back another ‘sorry for all the trouble,’ one of the many he had already whispered that day. Instead Felix just squeezes Hoshi tighter and ruffles the mess of blue curls that had been perfectly styled not hours before. “Thank you guys,” he begins honestly, “I- uh, I really appreciate it.” 

Hyunki smiles as he rubs the tiredness out of his eyes, “We always have your back, Felix. We will do this for as long as we need to, okay? No questions asked.” 

“I’ll still ask questions…” Jiho pipes as he comes over and reluctantly sits next to Felix where he had been waiting on their dorm room couch. Hoshi sits down on the other side of him. 

Seojun finishes fumbling with his phone and puts it down just as Felix feels his pocket vibrate, “I just sent you your notes on the practice, make sure you work on the joint Miroh choreography. We changed it back to the original.” The ace sits down in the arm chair across from them, “I can help if you ever need it, but I think you’ll be fine.”

Felix nods quickly, “Of course. Thank you, hyung.” 

“We have the final shoot for the album tonight, let's all get a little sleep until then,” Hyunki makes his way towards the bathroom, calling dibs on the shower and disappearing into the hallway.

Seojun and Hoshi follow not long after, leaving Felix and Jiho shoulder to shoulder on the couch for the time. Felix knows Jiho doesn’t like skinship as much as the others, especially in public. But there are rare moments like this that Felix is able to share with the rapper that are always calm and relaxing. As aggressive as Jiho could be Felix knows about his need for serenity among the chaos.

“How was it?” Felix risks the question for the sake of his sanity. He wants to be sure nothing had gone horribly wrong. He also knows Jiho would be the most honest. 

“It was  _ fine  _ until your lover boy had to go on asking questions,” Jiho reaches his hand out and for a moment hesitates before putting it over Felix’s, “I thought Hyunki was gonna throttle him before I could.” 

Biting his lip, Felix turns his hand over to thread their fingers together, “I’m sorry…” The words slip out before he can catch them.

Jiho sniffs and flicks the side of Felix’s head with his free hand, “Don’t be  _ stupid  _ Felix, if you keep apologizing I’m gonna throttle  _ you.”  _

“I’m so- I mean… I didn’t mean for this to happen...” Felix was in a mess of emotions and still felt the memories of Chan swirling in his head. The good, the bad, the wonderful and the awful. He wouldn’t have been able to see Chan today, so he had asked his members to cover for his absence for the sake of his mental state. Felix supposes it was good no one had come home with a black eye.

Jiho squeezes Felix’s hand and pushes their shoulders together, “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not one for forgiveness, I think people who cross me should rot.” He talks with a level tone and if Felix didn’t know Kim Jiho like he did he might have been scared. “But he did seem pretty distraught.”

Felix stays quiet and lets Jiho continue on, “ _ I  _ don’t care, but if I did I would tell you that he really did seem like he wanted to make amends.” The rapper yawns and pulls at his bangs as if he were uninterested, “I think Hoshi and Seojun are rooting for Chan to win you back, Hyunki will do whatever he thinks is in your best interest but I think even he could see how much Chan cared.” 

Felix is taken aback by his friend’s words. It wasn’t like Jiho to talk about feelings and things dealing with emotions, yet here he is analysing his member’s response as well as Chan’s. “What do you think?” Felix turns his head to meet Jiho’s eyes. The younger member had his normal pout but he could see him thinking over the question.

When Jiho answers he still wears his frown, “Boys are stupid in too many ways to count.  _ I _ think you’re both stupid.” Felix thinks he would leave it at that but right when he is about to respond Jiho continues, “And yet I still think you should be stupid together.”

It isn’t what Felix was expecting. A ‘leave him to rot’ or ‘don’t give him the time of day’ maybe, but Jiho wasn’t one to be so forgiving. “Why?” 

The rapper quirks a brow. He looks to be holding back a sneer, “Because ever since you got his number you’ve been doing really well. I mean, up until this point. Chan has really brought out the best in you and we all saw how you loved talking to him.” 

Jiho releases his hand and gets up from the couch, “Take your time hyung, and do what you think is right. Listen to your heart for once, yeah?” He disappears into the hallway and Felix is left alone in the living room. 

‘Listen to your heart.’ Felix thinks Jiho’s logic is flawed. If he was being honest with himself the logical thing to do was to break away from Chan and keep his distance. Yet he hadn’t done that either. Felix hasn’t really made a decision on what he would do, but waiting seems like a solid option at this point regardless of what Jiho thinks. 

Hopefully in time Chan would understand why Felix had left Stray Kids behind the way he did. Then, perhaps Jiho  _ was _ right and they could move past this. The worries that had haunted him for years could finally be put to rest and he could move on from Stray Kids. And in moving on, maybe Felix could bring them back into his life. Just because he isn’t part of the team doesn’t mean he can’t still be with them in different ways.  _ Very  _ different ways...

Felix turns and lays down on the couch as he hears the sound of the shower turning on. Slowly, he drifts off into a dream of winter kisses and cold hands. Perfect and lovely things that could keep his mind at ease until he would have to wake again. Jiho’s words echo off the memories and the cold spots in his chest seem to slowly defrost as sleep overtakes him.

_ ‘Listen to your heart.’ _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally got our Jiho conversation and a Stray Kids breakfast. How do you think each member would eat an eggo waffle?
> 
> Thank you again to Lesamoreuxvi, I wish for you to have no more double member photo card pulls because that's whack.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was once again beta read by Lesamoreuxvi!
> 
> And now, the long awaited KBS Show has arrived...

Chan POV

_ Two weeks. _

_Two weeks_ passed before Chan saw Felix again. _Two weeks_ of waiting and waiting and the younger idol dodging around every meeting and practice. The four members of Volta had been working tirelessly to come up with different excuses and even Chan’s own team had started to see through their lies. None of them outright mentioned it but Minho continued to give Chan withering looks. The dancer probably saw through to the truth, which was that Chan had messed up and now they were _all_ paying for it. Chan hadn’t been sure what to say, so he hadn’t said anything. 

Two weeks of uncomfortable practices and rehearsals until the very last moment. Felix couldn’t escape the day of the performance and now it was here. December 18th had taken it’s time, but it had arrived regardless. 

Chan sits in the van that had just pulled up to the KBS Hall. They are waiting to get out and enter the building but the line of cars and idols is long. They wait until it is their turn. Changbin and Minho sit in the seats next to him, trying to get a glimpse of any of the idols that are going into the hall, big names and idols more famous than they are. Chan watches them from the other side of the car, not too bothered by the names or titles that his friends are mumbling about. It wasn’t until a flash of electric yellow caught his eye that his interest piques. 

Changbin and Minho make room for him at the window as the 5 bodies get out of a van a few spaces in front of them. Five sweatshirts with lightning bolts down the sides and across the back.  _ Five _ . 

“He finally showed up,” Changbin comments, Minho somehow finds a way to stomp on his foot, “Ya! I’m not wrong!”

“Of course he showed up, he’s a crucial part of the performance,” Minho huffs and starts to shrug on his big winter coat as their own van starts to pull up to the entrance. 

Chan continues to watch Volta make their way into the hall. They wave and give out different finger hearts to the crowd before finally disappearing through the performers entrance. Felix’s sherbert orange hair was a sight to see after so long. It’s covered by a beanie but the locks that stick out are vibrant and beautiful. Chan feels his heart do a weird twist in his chest when the rookie group disappears through the main doors. He supposes this is what it means to have a heartache. 

“Let’s go guys,” Chan slides open the door but lets his friends get out first. The crowd is raucous as they all file into the parking lot. Chan counts up to six to make sure his eyes are on all his members and follows behind them as they make their way to the door and into the building. 

Shouts and screams of various names become muffled as the doors shut and the KBS hall is on full alert. People rush around the hallways and into different rooms with a newfound haste. Music Bank shows were usually an all day event with a mild sense of panic each week, but the song festival is on a whole different level. Stylists flit back and forth from rooms full of sewing machines into the fitting rooms full of idols.

Stray Kids are handed red name tags and led to their green room quickly. On the way there Chan keeps an eye out for any flashes of yellow, but there is no sign of Volta by the time they reach their designated room. Their manager hurries them into the chairs that line the wall of vanities and stylists roll in a large clothing rack filled with their stage outfits. 

Black, red, and pops of yellow are each fitted onto them. Chan puts on his black sweatshirt and joggers, tucking them into lace up boots and sitting back in the chair so that the makeup artists can begin poking at his face. 

The show begins in a little over three hours. They have a run through rehearsal in between that time to make sure everyone knows where to be and when. About five minutes would be spent on any final adjustments or clarifications for each stage, which leaves Chan only five minutes to see Felix before the show begins. It wasn’t a lot of time, but it would have to be enough. 

“Ten minutes until we line up for standby, we are fifth in line for stage run throughs so make sure you’re set,” their manager dodges in and out of the room to make the announcement. Chan’s heart flips again. 

“You’re done, go ahead and relax,” The stylist takes a step back and smiles at Chan, but he knows he won’t be able to do what she said. To relax was to become less anxious, and in his fit of nerves the task is nearly impossible. 

The ten minute wait feels more like ten hours. When they are finally ready to head for the stage doors Hyunjin pokes his ribs and looks him up and down, “You’re tense.” 

“I’m not,” Chan counters, reaching for his friend's ponytail to yank it. 

Hyunjin evades the attack with a twirl and shrugs, “You have massive ‘RBF’ then, it’s not a good look for the camera.” 

“Thanks for the heads up,” Chan only pouts further.

The walk to the stage doors is near silent. Big rehearsals and showtime usually required a quiet environment so any orders and announcements could be made without any unnecessary distractions. All that could be heard were boots on linoleum and hushed voices of managers and staff. The sound of music being played around the empty concert hall was muffled through the walls.

Stray Kids wait in a single file line outside the stage doors and watch as various groups and solo artists pass by. They wave and silently greet the ones they know and bow their heads politely to the ones they don’t. 

After a while they are brought backstage and fit with headsets and handheld microphones respectively. Volta was supposed to be with them by the time they were on standby for their short rehearsal, but the rookie group is nowhere to be found. 

“Cutting it kind of close don’t you think?” Changbin twirls his mic as he leans against a spare speaker, “They are usually sticklers about punctuality.”

“That’s an understatement,” Jisung blows up on his bangs to get them out of his face but the hair spray holds strong, “Seojun almost had my head last week when me and Minho were late coming back from our water break.” 

“And what a water break it was,” Minho squats near the edge of the stage where the curtains stop and the floor becomes polished, “I don’t regret a thing.” 

“That’s a little too much information, don’t you think?” A low voice startles Stray Kids out of their conversation. When they look towards the foreign voice they see  _ Felix  _ standing at the entrance of the stage with a bright smile on his face, the rest of Volta like a wall behind him, “Hey guys, long time no see.” 

Felix looks perfect. Chan drinks him in like cold water after practice. But perfect is an understatement. Black becomes Chan’s favorite color twice over when he sees Felix’s black t-shirt. The rips along the side show off one side of his ribcage and the light cotton is tucked into tight leather pants that fit every curve of his legs like a glove. It is so unlike what Felix normally wears yet it fits him perfectly. Chan feels his face heat up when he catches himself staring, but Felix is staring right back.

Jisung is the first to hug Felix and hand over one of the extra headsets that had been set aside. They all give short greetings but after Volta arrives time seems to double. Mics are handed out like candy and the lighting changes on the main stage to signal the start of their rehearsal time. Chan doesn’t even say hello before the stage director appears and ushers them forward and into their positions. 

Bright lights shine into their faces and they all cover their eyes to shield them. Twelve different spots on the floor mark their starting spots. When everyone is set they start the quick walk through of their performance. They all do sound checks on their mics as the performance music plays over the speakers at a low volume. 

For the most part it’s relaxed dancing and spot checking but Chan watches as Felix stays hyperfocused on their formations and transitions. Seojun must have given him good notes on the practices he had missed; Felix executes each move and specially choreographed segment without any mistakes. The routine reaches a well practiced synchronized segment and all twelve of them laugh as the lights flash and twirl around them. Chan can only imagine what it would be like with the audience full of fans, the surprise they would have when they find out Stray Kids and Volta are performing together. With Felix back in the routine he knows it will be a showstopper. 

When the song ends they all quickly dodge out onto the other side of the stage to make room for the next group. Minho and Hyunjin are giving quick tips and tricks to Volta about big shows as they all drink water and hold up handheld fans to cool off their faces. Chan watches Felix giggle about their past experiences and he thinks he might throw up. This is all too fast and not at all what he imagined seeing his friend would be like after so long. Felix is acting so  _ natural _ and Chan has no opportunity to talk to him in a situation like this. Everyone around him is pretending as if nothing is wrong, and so is Felix. 

Chan doesn’t understand. He watches Hyunki and the rest of Volta act as if nothing is amiss and it makes his head spin. Their attitudes are vastly different from what they were two weeks ago, but Felix is  _ back _ . Does it really not matter? 

_ Yes _ . It does when they all begin to make their way back into the hallway and towards their respective green rooms. Chan starts to internally panic when they reach a crossroads in the hallway and the two teams start to separate. 

Chan turns to his team that is heading down one end of the hallway, his feet stuck and not wanting to take himself any further from Felix. He still hasn't said what he needs to. Felix still needs to know how sorry he is and how wrong he has been. He stands in the middle of the hallway not sure what to do. He watches his members disappear down the hallway. None of them notice he isn’t with them. They are used to Chan following along from behind. 

After they turn the corner Chan slowly spins to face the hallway Volta had gone down, but when he does he instead finds one member still remaining. Felix stands a few feet away with his hands held behind his back, a hesitant smile plays on his lips and Chan is careful this time to make sure his eyes don't stray anywhere they shouldn’t.

The younger idol looks shy, but not scared. Chan on the other hand felt terrified. They both opened their mouths at the same time and their words are perfectly matched when they speak.

“Can we talk?”

Felix covers his mouth with surprise. Chan on the other hand shakes his head in near panic, “Of course! You go first, please say  _ whatever  _ you want.” 

He is prepared for Felix to chew him out, to yell at him or tell him to ‘buzz off’ or whatever he wants. 

Felix instead looks around the hallway and takes note of all the people around them, “Can we talk anywhere more _ private?”  _ Chan looks around for a place they can use but it is near impossible to find privacy with the countless cameras and staff workers. That's when both their eyes latch onto a broom closet down the hallway, ajar and showing the small space littered with cleaning supplies and rolls of extra toilet paper. 

Felix smiles and passes Chan as casually as possible before sliding into the small space and gesturing for him to follow. Without any other options the two of them cram into the closet and close the door. They are plunged into complete darkness, the only sound being loud music from the main stage and their own breathing. Chan’s head hits a wire and when he pulls it a single lightbulb illuminates the small room. 

“This works,” Felix affirms and adjusts the yellow bandana that holds his hair back. Chan just watches him in the dim light and tries not to look like he’s having a crisis. Felix picks up on it though, looking him in the eye and giving him a small smile, “Chris, it’s okay.” 

Chan nods but doesn’t think he hears correctly, “It’s… Uh, yeah,” he definitely isn't registering Felix words. His eyes are stuck on the edges of Felix’s mouth that form a perfect smile. He’s missed his smile, missed Felix more. 

“ _ Chris, _ ” Felix’s voice cuts through and interrupts his longing. Chan leans back and his shoulders hit the back of the door with a thud. 

“Right. Sorry,” Chan puts on a smile and stuffs his hands in his pockets. 

“What did you want to say, Chris?” Felix tilts his head to the side and waits for him to spill. Chan decidedly tries his best to do just that.

“I missed you,” It is an interesting start. “I missed you, and I know I messed up but I understand now how stupid I was. I  _ am _ proud of you and I am happy that you followed a path that took you here.” Chan’s mind blurs and he can’t stop himself from reaching out and cupping Felix’s jaw with his hands, “And I completely understand if you don’t want to have any part of me. But I needed to tell you how much I understand now, and how wrong I was for telling you those things. I need to tell you how I am completely in lo-” 

Chan realises too late what he is saying. Whatever speech he had planned is ruined when his mind finally gets the better of him and he sees Felix’s eyes flash with surprise. Chan lets go of Felix and backs up against the closet door again, “Sorry…” The space seems too small now. Maybe this was a bad idea, “I’m sorry.” 

Felix scuffs his feet on the floor and looks at Chan carefully, “I missed you too.” The words bounce off the cluttered walls low and clear, a beautiful voice that resonates within Chan. “I thought a lot about all the things you said, but I still missed you. I talked to the others too and they… They told me about how you were doing. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to see you then, but I am now.” Felix glances down at the floor and wrings his hands together as he waits for a response.

Chan bites the inside of his cheek and tries to sort out his thoughts, “You missed  _ me _ ?” He doesn’t mean to say it out loud, so he tries to correct himself, “I thought you  _ hated _ me after all I said to you. I thought you wanted to leave me behind again and forget about everything. I was so scared and  _ worried _ and I couldn’t think about anything else, but I knew you probably-”

He’s cut off suddenly by a pair of lips. It is the second time Felix has initiated a kiss, but Chan still finds it surprising. A brief press and then they are gone again. It throws him for a loop when he blinks and Felix is smiling up at him, “ _ Chris,  _ you talk too much.” 

Yeah… He definitely talks too much if he is missing out on time spent like  _ this _ . Felix’s hands are resting on Chan’s chest. The space between them is small and getting smaller. Chan’s brain sparks and he puts his hands on Felix’s shoulders to push him back a few inches, “Wait..  _ Felix, _ I need you to know how wrong I was to you, how wrong I have always been.” 

Felix just shakes his head, “I never  _ hated _ you, Chris. I never once blamed you or the others for what happened. But I needed you to understand why I had left. And you didn’t understand then.” Felix takes one of Chan’s hands and twines their fingers together, “But you do now?” 

Chan nods dumbly, “I do… I understand now.” The words between them now are soft and low, “Felix, I think you’re  _ amazing _ .”

The blush that appears on Felix’s face is obvious, and Chan reaches up to tilt his head up and get a better look. “Amazing, talented, strong… Beautiful.” Chan lets the words hang in the air before finally falling back onto Felix’s lips with a new sort of kiss. 

A kiss of understanding. A kiss of finally being on the same page at the end of a not so perfect story. Chan presses into Felix’s mouth to try and show just how proud he is. Felix never needed Chan, but  _ oh  _ did Chan feel like he needed this. Broom closet kisses and soft skin under his fingers that move and react to each and every touch. 

Chan’s hand slips into one of the rips in Felix’s shirt and the rookie idol gasps into his mouth when his fingers brush along his exposed ribs. Chan holds back a laugh as Felix mutters something about ‘stupid stylists and their scissors.’ 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Felix breathes into Chan’s neck when the hands continue to explore under his shirt, his own arms reach up and lock around Chan’s shoulders, “Thank you… For the… Wow, for everything…” 

Chan nudges their faces together once more and kisses him again and again, “You… Have no reason to thank me.” Chan kisses away any more words and hooks his fingers into the bandana that had fallen around Felix’s neck. He uses it to pull Felix around and switch their positions, turning and pushing him against the door. 

Felix lets out a ‘oof’ and when their chests push together. Chan can feel how both their heartbeats race. Chan now understands why their companies don’t like relationships. This is dangerous. He kisses Felix like the world starts and ends with his mouth. 

It is then that their few minutes in heaven come to an end. The closet door opens and the two idols topple over each other and onto the floor as the hallway lights flood into the small space. 

Minho and Hyunki stand in the doorway with looks of pure shock. Chan is splayed on the ground with Felix half on top of him. The two of them look up just as bewildered. The holes in Felix’s shirt are now twice as big and it’s all hiked up under his arms until Chan reaches over and pulls it back down. 

“Oh my god,” Minho glances to either side and tries his best to not look as if he’s not panicking, “Were you fighting? You both look  _ awful _ .” 

That is an understatement. Chan and Felix are a mess. Their hair is wild and their clothes are askew. Felix needs a miracle to look presentable to the show. How  _ long _ had they been in here? Felix glances at Chan before scrambling to his feet and Chan slowly does the same. 

“Not fighting…” Felix smiles and looks to Hyunki quickly, “We are okay now.” Chan thought they were okay in a sense, but this new development presents a new problem. 

Hyunki cringes, “That’s great,” He reaches out and pulls up a piece of Felix’s shirt that now hangs twice as low as it did before.

Minho disagrees, “This is not great. This is bad and I’m not sure what you were thinking.” The dancer's mutters into his hands, “Chan, we know better than this. Is your learning curve a horizontal line?” 

Chan smiles sheepishly and scratches the back of his neck, “Well, I kinda lost track of, um… Thought.” Another understatement. “What time is it?” 

Minho grumbles and finally looks up at the two of them, “Time to go and hope we have enough time to make you two look presentable again before showtime.” Minho and Hyunki each respectively grab their teammates and haul them down the hallway towards their green rooms. Chan glances back one last time to see Felix smiling as he’s practically dragged along the floor. When their eyes meet one last time Chan swears he sees Felix’s eyes twinkle in the light. 

Before he disappears behind a door Chan smiles back, no longer afraid to let Felix leave without him. Chan would see him again, no doubt in his mind could deny that. Felix is back in his life better than ever and he doesn’t plan on letting him go again. 

Felix POV

When Hyunki throws Felix into one of the green room chairs he can’t help but giggle. He is still riding the high of Chan’s mouth on his and his ribs still tingled from where they had been touched. Hyunki however, does not look amused.

“What the  _ hell _ were you  _ thinking _ . Lee Felix, you said you’d only be only a minute and I had to walk into 4 different waiting rooms to find Minho and the others. And  _ they _ didn’t know where you two had gone either. I accidentally walked into  _ ITZY’s _ room! You  _ know _ I have a crush on Yeji, how could you do this to me?” Hyunki pouts and tries to muse Felix’s hair into something presentable. The locks are crimped in certain places but you wouldn’t know with the state it is in. 

Felix bats away his leader's hands and tries to push out of the chair to get away. Before he can get far Hoshi appears from somewhere in the room and pushes him back down. The maknae plops down next to him and looks at him with wide eyes, “ _ Hyung, _ did you get in a fight?” 

Felix looks at Hyunki for any help but his friend only shakes his head in denial. He decidedly ignores his leader and turns to grin at Hoshi, “ _ Sort of.”  _

Hoshi smiles and bounces in his chair, “Did you win?”

“ _ Definitely. _ ”

“Enough!” Hyunki exclaims, “I can’t deal with this right now. Choi Seojun?” The ace looks up from his book when his name is called, “I’m going to go look for a stylist who can save Felix’s… issues. You’re in charge until I get back.” 

Seojun does not respond, finding his novel more interesting than the problem at hand. Jiho appears from under a blanket heaped in the corner of the room and glares at them all, “Why is he second in command now?” 

Hyunki doesn’t deem this comment important enough for a response and instead exits the room with a new found haste. Hoshi looks over to Jiho and sticks his tongue out, “Be lucky he didn’t choose  _ me _ ! I may not be the problem child  _ today  _ but I’d  _ fight  _ you as temporary leader!” 

Jiho brows draw together and he points at Hoshi from across the green room, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

Felix laughs and leans back against the chair. His heart still pounds in his chest but he finally feels as if he can start to breathe normally again. Hoshi stays by his side and picks off pieces of dirt from when he had been thrown to the ground of the dirty closet. 

“So… Some ‘ _ fight’ _ huh?” Hoshi picks a piece of lint out of Felix’s hair, “Does this mean you coming back to the joint practices?”

Felix grins, “The practices are over Hoshi, we _ perform _ in an hour.” The maknae pouts, huffing something about not wanting to delete the group chat. A few minutes go by with Seojun as their new leader before their original finally makes his return. 

“-And I also don’t see why this can’t wait for final touch ups-” When Hyunki comes back into the green room he has a young woman in tow who doesn’t look happy to be disturbed. When she catches sight of Felix she stops short of her sentence and gasps, “Good lord, what did you do?” 

The woman rushes over and stares openly at Felix’s state of disarray. Felix gives a shy smile and sits up in his chair so she can properly assess the damage. It isn’t pretty, the tear in his shirt that once only showed off his side now extends back to reveal his shoulder blade. His pants are still in good condition but his hair is a mess of crimps and pins, the bandana that held it back still hangs loosely around his neck. 

“Can you fix him?” Hyunki paces a little ways away from them and crosses his arms to keep from fidgeting. The woman pulls at pieces of Felix’s hair still held together with hairspray and hums as if lost in thought. 

Felix blinks and tries not to flinch as the woman raises a brow, “I can fix this.” She nods and turns around to look for supplies. Hyunki lets out a sigh and turns to collapse into Jiho’s bundle of blankets, the rapper yells in protest as his peace is disturbed. Meanwhile, Hoshi jumps up and goes to help the woman find the place they put their hair and makeup products. 

Felix stays put as the stylist begins to slowly comb out his hair out of his face and pin up different places to work on. His sides have slowly grown out since debut and are now getting a little wild. Felix figures that he would be scheduled for another hair appointment before the year ends. 

“At least it’s a nice color?” Hoshi giggles as he hands over more and more pins to be stuck into his friends hair. The stylist cringes as Felix glares at Hoshi out of the corner of his eye. 

Slowly, Felix’s hair becomes more and more presentable. He takes off the bandana and ties it extra tight around his head to make sure it stays on correctly this time. When his hair is in order they move onto his makeup and start reapplying and powdering his face to make it less of a disaster. His lips are wiped clean and a new stain is added to compliment his hair color. His eyes are brushed with shades of brown to make them deeper to match their concept. In short, Felix looks even better than before he had his run in with Chan. 

When the stylist steps back to admire her work Felix jumps up with a smile to thank her. When he does the issue with his shirt becomes more apparent and she frowns at the large hole. “I can’t fix the hole… But I do have an idea.” 

When she disappears out of the room again Seojun finally looks up to look over Felix, “You look... Different…” 

Felix opens his phone to look at himself in his camera, “Different good or different bad?” 

Seojun looks back down, “I will not specify what ‘different’ means in this context.” 

Hoshi giggles as he stuffs hairspray and brushes into a giant bag, “At least Hyunki isn’t gonna lose his mind now.” 

Their leader looks up from where he’s hiding away with Jiho in a pile of blankets, “That is neither confirmed nor denied. Do not test my sanity right now... Please.” 

A few minutes later the stylist returns with a jacket in hand. Shiny silver zippers are sewn throughout the worn leather and when Felix slides it on it's a little big in a few places but unlike most stage clothing it is comfortable. It covers the extended rip in his shirt, only giving a peek in the front now. Felix is tempted to zip it up because of how comfortable it is, but he knows the stylist wouldn’t let that happen.

“All good, yeah?” The woman smiles and adjusts the lapels of the jacket to sit nicely while the rest of Volta looks up from what they were doing to judge her work. 

Felix nods and lifts his arms to check a few of his angles of their choreography but he had no complaints, “I love it, thank you.” 

The rest of his members nod and give thanks for the stylists work right as their manager walks in with a KSB staff member. “Are we all ready to go?” the manager puts on a fake smile and looks all of them up and down. Felix goes stiff as his eyes pass over him, scared of getting called out in the change of wardrobe. Luckily their manager doesn’t notice in his haste, ushering them back out of the room and towards the stage. 

As soon as Felix steps in the hallway he can hear the crowd, hundreds of people screaming for their favorite artists on stage. It is hard not to be nervous before a performance and it didn’t help that this one was so unique. Hyunki nudges his side as they make their way backstage, “Smarten up, Lee Felix. We talk about your ‘situation’ later, right now keep your eyes on the prize.” His words are hushed as they put on their earpieces and mics. 

“What if I don’t want to talk about my ‘situation?’” Felix pouts playfully and looks across the stage to see the Idols currently performing. Stray Kids are waiting on the other side of the back stage, their entrances slightly different before they all join up. All Felix can see on the other side of the stage are shadows, the lights from the stage only flashing the performers. He wonders if Chan was able to get ready and presentable in time for the show. He’d find out soon enough. 

“You’ll talk. Whether it’s to sort out this  _ mess _ or gush about your impromptu  _ make out session _ ,” Hyunki adjusts his own uncomfortable techwear sweatshirt as he whispers the subtle threat. 

“I would also like to be a part of this conversation,” Hoshi bounces on his toes as he stuffs a mic pac into his back pocket.

Seojun takes a break from his lip trills to mumble, “Count me out.”

Suddenly, the stage goes black and the music cuts off with a bang of drums. A random girl group makes their way off stage and back to their waiting room. Felix grins when one of idols accidentally whips her ponytail into Jiho’s face. Hoshi holds the rapper back from yanking the girl's hair as she runs out of the room. The five Volta members huddle around for a small cheer before Felix hears the beginning of their performance music.

A low beat echoes around the hall as smoke and lights flash over the audience, the stage remains dark for them to go out and get in their positions. Felix clears his throat and crouches low as he paces out onto the stage and gets into position. The fans who are close enough to see their figures in the dark are already screaming and cheering. One by one he senses his members around him get into position and switch on their mic packs. The low music filters through his earpiece as he counts the beats leading up to his entrance. This is it, the moment they have been preparing for so long. The moment to prove that Volta and Stray Kids are separate but _ together.  _ No stupid news article would be remembered after today. 

When the lights flash on Felix blinks back the sudden harshness of the bright LEDs. The screams are now muted through his ears but he can see the various light sticks poking out from the vast crowd of fans. His favorite ones to see are the bright yellow lightning bolts that seem to shine brighter than the rest when the baseline on their title track finally starts to blare over the speakers. 

  
  


When they finally jump up and start performing their fanchant is loud and clear. Each member hears their name called out and their voices echo around the hall for all to hear. Volta consists of three vocalists and two rappers, but the five of them each stand out in their own way. Jiho has hard and aggressive lines that compliment Hoshi’s harmonies leading up to the chorus, while Seojun and Hyunki sing their own verses with a confidence Felix has always admired. As the song leads up to the chorus Felix takes center stage to dance the main choreography. It is then when the crowd doubles its volume. This is it.

Seven more figures join them on stage as the beat drops. Running up from backstage masked by the various smoke machines, Stray Kids fit perfectly in between each member of Volta. They mirror Volta’s dance and add their own voices to the song to make it all the more powerful. Looking to his left Felix sees Chan dance next to him, his hair and makeup once again perfect. 

Everyone has had their part to play when the chorus ends and the dance break starts. The choreography changes from their normal dance to one that starts to resemble more Stray Kids and less Volta. All twelve idols give their best to the crowd as the speakers blare and the baseline of ‘Miroh’ starts peeking through. A new fan chant has started, a new performance is beginning. 

Performing with his old members was a different experience than he thought it would be. All of his friends in one spot bring on a sense of belonging that Felix has never felt before. It is an equal playing field now and Felix is center stage showing off how he has made it to where Stray Kids are despite his failures, hardships, and everyone who had been against him. Including himself. 

The song continues and the crowd cheers louder than what Felix had thought possible. Even with their earpieces in, Miroh's backing track is like a whisper compared to the cacophony of sound coming from the hall. When the music eventually fades and the twelve of them stand there waiting for the lights to shut off Felix still feels the adrenaline coursing through him. He feels as if he is on fire, electrocuted and brought back to life by the past few hours of activity. Chan is kneeling next to him and all of them have their fists to the ground. When the lights finally go black Felix can’t help but jump up and grapple Chan in a hug. 

That’s not what he should have done; they are still on stage and there is the possibility of people seeing them but Felix doesn’t care. It doesn’t seem like the others do either as they all join in and create a giant group hug. Twelve idols from two groups slowly shuffle off stage without any sense of grace. Earpieces and mics fall out of ears and the people in the audience become twice as loud as Felix feels himself being picked up and brought off the stage fully to make way for the next performance. 

It was then he noticed that he was crying.

Tears were streaming down his face and once again ruining his makeup. Chan is carrying him like a koala until he sets Felix down on a stray bow of equipment. Everyone surrounds him and Seungmin goes as far as to look for a medic that is stationed out in the hallway. Felix tries wiping away his tears but new ones quickly take their place. 

“Guys… I’m okay. They are happy tears,” Felix pants as Chan takes a knee in front of him and grabs both his hands on his own, “Just a little overwhelmed.” 

“Are you sure? Don’t brush off an injury because I will never let you live it down,” Hyunki tries to speak over the crowd still cheering from the hall but it is partly drowned out over the screaming. 

“I promise I’m okay. Do you think it went well? I kinda zoned out…” Felix tries looking over the eleven bodies to see out onto the stage but it is near impossible to tell what is happening.

Chan squeezes his hand and gets Felix’s attention back immediately. Chan, who had held him even closer only an hour before and kissed him senseless in a hallway closet, disregarding all the rules they had learned to become idols. Chan grins up at Felix from where he’s crouched in front of him and speaks loud enough for only Felix to hear, “They loved it Lix, they loved  _ you _ .”

“Little punk stole the show,” Changbin accuses as he paces a few steps away, trying his best to yank out his earpiece that trails under his shirt, “That’s a fancam no one is going to miss.” 

Minho is helping Jisung take off his own mic pack when he chimes in, “I don’t think my ears will recover from the way they screamed when you took over the beginning of Miroh.” 

Seungmin nods, “Who knew your voice would fit so well in those sections?” 

Jisung’s brow furrows, “ _ I  _ knew, that’s why I gave the line to him.”

“Thank you guys,” Felix announces in between a small sob, Chan helps him wipe away more tears as he continues to try and get a hold of his breathing, “Thank you for all your help out there.” 

The members of both Stray Kids and Volta look almost confused. Hyunjin talks before anyone else gets a chance, “We didn’t help you, Felix. You carried that performance.” 

Jeongin nods, “That was all you out there. I don’t think any of us knew what to expect with the joint choreography but you made that performance what it was.”

Felix leans back and away from his friends, not understanding what they are saying. He is never usually the one to ‘carry’ a performance, he has always been comfortable supporting from behind and making his other members shine. Being told  _ he _ was the one everyone would be looking at is not something he is accustomed to. 

The others seem to sense his confusion, Chan is still crouched in front of him and staring into his eyes but Felix can tell he is hesitant with his words, “Felix, I wish I could show you how people see you through their eyes.” Chan threads their fingers together once more, “I wish I could show you just how much everyone adores you.”

It is then that Felix wants to kiss Chan again. He almost doesn’t care that the cameras are around and various staff members have their eyes on them. He could almost convince himself that they are stuck in that broom closet again and it is just the two of them.  _ Almost. _

“Thank you,” Felix says quietly, careful to break eye contact and look up at the rest of his friends, “Sorry I-” 

Jiho is quicker than Felix thought possible, reaching over and flicking Felix in the forehead with impressive power, “No apologizing,” the rapper mutters as he leaves to go put away an armful of their equipment. 

“Right, I forgot,” Felix finally laughs and feels himself slowly begin to relax. He sits there surrounded by his friends and thinks that every piece of his puzzle is finally fitting together. The smallest things are finally becoming part of the whole that is Felix’s new life. Little moments like Jeongin handing him a box of tissues or Jisung hugging him without having to say goodbye. Small gestures like Changbin complimenting his rap or Minho getting jealous of a move in Volta’s choreography. Or words like ‘Lix’ spoken softly into his ear as he’s carried off the stage in a giant group hug. 

Felix would never have guessed that only 5 months after their debut he would be part of something like this. He wasn’t supposed to have it this good, he was never meant to have this much joy in his life after all that had happened. Yet here he is, slowly accepting the knowledge that his friends aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

And neither is he. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End?
> 
> Thank you again to Lesamoreuxvi


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Chan read out my comment on Vlive and I cried all morning :')
> 
> Welcome to the last Chapter of Stepping Away (/◕ヮ◕)/
> 
> This was once again beta read by Lesamoreuxvi! <3

Felix POV

Exactly two weeks after the KBS show, New Year's Day rolls around. Felix spends his morning with Volta sleeping in after doing a public concert the night before, singing and dancing to various festive songs to celebrate the new year. 2021 had started with loud fireworks and the announcement that Volta would be going on a world tour next month. More and more success was coming Volta’s way and their energy had only been growing ever since the song festival.

All this news had called for an even busier schedule with less and less free time, Felix had somehow managed to carve out a late night to himself to do with as he pleased. He had found his way into the JYP building for a vlive, a particular live that was probably the most famous one out there. When Chan had asked him to be on his ‘show’ Felix had been apprehensive. 

~ I don’t know Chris

~ Can you even bring in non JYP members?

-I can nooooow~

-I promise everything is clear if you can get here by 9pm…?

~ T T idkkk

-Can I possibly bribe you with Tim Tams?....

~ (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ 

~Yes you can

~See you tonight!

Hyunki told him he should be careful, but Felix didn’t see how there was much risk anyway. That was how he found himself seated behind Chan’s laptop. His  _ boyfriend’s  _ laptop. It was as official as it could be. In an amazing turn of events they had mustered the guts to tell their teams about their relationship. Felix’s members were not surprised, and as it turns out neither were Chan’s. They all had various opinions on the subject but by the end of the  _ long  _ group chat conversation everyone was happy for them. Even Seojun (a stickler for idol rules) was able to accept the fact that he would need to help hide their relationship. 

Not that it was hard to  _ hide. _

After the KBS show there was no reason for Volta and Stray Kids to continue seeing each other. The issue of the awful ‘news article’ had been solved which means their management had stopped planning meetups for them. This called for Chan and Felix to be seen less together on shows and interviews, which meant less need to constantly pretend like they weren't head over heels for each other. Meeting in private was also scarce, but so goes the life of an idol. They survived off FaceTime and phone calls in their spare time, choosing their words carefully when around their manager or staff. 

But this seems like something they can pull off. Inviting Felix onto an episode of ‘Chan’s Room’ seems normal enough interaction for them to have. There isn’t much that can go wrong when all he did was chat and play various music. 

“Felix, are you ready?” Chan’s voice pulls him from his thoughts and into the present. The laptop has ‘Gone Days’ pulled up and ready to play and Felix also sees the Vlive website that is ready to launch. The title of the live is already typed in, ‘Chan’s Room Ep. 80 with a special guest!’ Chan’s wolf emoji as well as Felix’s cat added after. 

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Felix gives Chan a quick kiss before ducking out of the way of the camera and Chan does the same after pressing the ‘go live’ button. The song plays and Felix covers his mouth to stop himself from laughing at the cheesiness of it all. Chan gives him a playful pout from the other side of the camera and winks before poking his head into frame. 

Comments flood in on Felix’s phone where he watches the playback, ‘hello’ and ‘hiya’ are the immediate response before people start speculating about the  _ special guest _ title. The cat throws them off and they think it might be Minho or another JYP idol who uses the same emoticon. Chan pushes his chair into the camera’s view and greets the live with a smile. 

“Hello Stay~” Chan slowly turns down the music and adjusts his beanie. He reads the comments from his computer and his grin widens as more and more people send in questions on who the guest is. “Yeah, I brought a  _ very  _ special guest for you all today so make sure to give a warm welcome for their first time on the show.” 

Felix continues to hold back his giggles with his hand clamped over his mouth as the viewers panic and try and run through various different names. Chan seems to be trying his best to not glance over at him and Felix kicks his feet out playfully to nudge Chan’s knee from underneath the table. 

“I do have a good first song to play for us today but as always leave your song recommendations in the chat so I can read them.” Chan types on his computer and brings up Spotify to play the first song,  _ Arudo. _

It was a little on the nose to play one of Volta’s songs. They had decided before the Vlive that it would be fun for Felix to come in when the chorus played. The chat is already going crazy for the popular song and Felix scoots the chair a little closer as the verse comes to an end. The beat drops and when he finally sticks his head into the frame of the camera Chan is now the one holding back his laugh. 

It took a minute for the chat to catch up but when it does Felix notices question marks fly across the screen. It distracts him long enough for Chan to come and yank his chair all the way onto the screen. Felix falls back into his chair with an ‘oof’ and spins around as Chan throws up big jazz hands to gesture to his guest.

“My good friend and lead dancer of Volta is here! Everyone please welcome Lee Felix! ” The gracious host exclaims to the camera with overdone enthusiasm. Aduro continues to play over the speaker but Chan turns it down so that they could talk properly. He then puts an arm around Felix’s shoulder and pulls him close. Felix spends most of his time around Chan closer than this but a blush still stains his cheeks when his friend’s hands grip his arm, “Felix, please introduce yourself to Stay so everyone can get to know you better?”

It is a simple request, one Felix has done countless times but it feels different on Chan's Vlive. The number of viewers continues to grow as Felix gives a wave to the camera, “Hello, I’m Felix.” 

The chat continues to spam different emojis that correlate with Felix, but now questions rolled in about various things having to do with the two groups. 

‘Did you plan to dye your members hair the same color?’

‘How did Chan get him into the live???’

‘Why did you make Felix eat that spicy ramen!!?’

Chan squeezes his arm and lets go so he can turn off the music, “Felix and I have been friends for a very long time, when we performed together at the song festival I knew I should get him to come onto the live to meet Stay.” 

“He persuaded me with TimTams,” Felix corrects him, “I couldn’t say no to TimTams.”

“Sure, but you  _ also  _ couldn’t say no to me~” Chan gives an exaggerated smile, “And I’m sure there are Sparks in the chat as well as Stay?”

Felix snickers, fighting back a retort to say there probably aren’t very many of his fans watching. He stops short when he sees the chat fill with lightning bolts and storm clouds. “Woah..” Felix watches as yellow flashes across the screen, “Sparks are here as well?” 

“Of course they are, anyone can watch Chan’s Room.” Chan leans back in his chair and raises a brow, “Do  _ you _ watch Chan’s Room?” 

Felix feels his face heat up he quickly looks away from the screen in hopes no one notices, “I’ve watched a few…” it wasn’t a lie, “I always feel bad whenever I accidentally text you during them though.” 

Chan’s eyes widen and Felix tries to catch himself, “Not that I text you  _ all  _ the time, I just… There was that  _ one _ time.” The chat sends varying ‘F’s’ into the chat and Felix cringes remembering how his media trainer always criticizes his live speaking skills. 

“Good thing I keep it on vibrate I guess?” Chan shrugs, typing in another one of Volta’s tracks and playing the next one to show up. 

The chat explodes. 

‘Who won the Changbin x Jiho rap battle’ 

‘Do Seojun and Hyunjin bond over their long hair?’

‘Remember when Felix wore Chan’s jacket on the collaboration stage?’

Felix stops short when he reads the last comment, turning to Chan and tilting his head questioningly, “Did I wear your jacket on the KBS stage?” 

Chan’s brows furrow, “Did you?  _ You’re _ the one who stole my jacket?” 

“I was handed the jacket, It’s not my fault it wasn’t handed  _ back.”  _ Felix feels just as shocked that the jacket the stylist had given him was Chan’s, “And it  _ was _ an emergency…” 

Chan looks doubtful, “Do you know where it went? I liked that jacket.”

“Of course I know where it went, I took it home with me.” Felix crosses his arms. In his defense he hadn't seen anyone looking for the leather coat after the performance. Idols weren’t necessarily allowed to take home their stage outfits, but the jacket hadn’t officially been a part of his original uniform anyway. “No one missed it.”

“ _ I _ missed it. I was just… Preoccupied.” Chan is smiling now, Felix can see his eyes alight with a playful gleam. After the show Chan was ‘preoccupied’ with sneaking back into the broom closet again. That time they had been careful to find a way to lock it. “Can I have it back?”

Felix pouts, “But it’s so comfy~” He had taken to wearing the leather jacket out under a bigger coat to keep warm in the winter weather. It wasn’t often Felix found something that kept him as warm as Chan’s jacket did, but now he suspects why that is. “Do I have to?”

Chan’s mouth twists to the side in a sour grin, “Could I perhaps persuade you with some… TimTams?” Chan reaches behind his laptop and brings out a long brown package of cookies. 

Felix’s weakness. It has already been used against him once that day. It almost wasn’t fair. Chan pulls the package out of Felix’s reach when he goes to grab it, “Ah ah ahh,” Chan squints his eyes, the smirk that plays on his lips is treacherous. “TimTams for the jacket, yeah?” 

“ _ Fine. _ ” Felix snatches the cookies away quickly and draws out his phone, “But this is my New Year's present for you. And I’m taking these home.” He talks with his mouth full of cookies as he makes a call on his phone. 

Chan looks accomplished. The smile on his face is one Felix now sees often when their mouths part after long moments pressed together. Felix finds that he likes the way Chan looks at him. 

“Who are you calling?” Chan questions as he lets the B-side Volta track fade away and chooses another one from the chat. 

“I’m calling Hoshi so that he can get your jacket back,” Felix still plays up the fake pout and as the phone rings he sees Chan’s eyes glued to the screen. He looked to be frozen to the spot, Felix is about to ask him if there was a problem when the other line picks up.

“Lee Felix.” Hyunki’s voice is low and serious.

“Hyung? Where’s Hoshi?” Felix is put off, Hoshi usually doesn’t leave anywhere without his phone in case he gets texts or calls from his family. Hyunki picking up the maknae’s phone is a sign that something is wrong. 

“You’re on Vlive, be careful with your words.” Hyunki speaks in a tone reserved for when he is leading or in public, “You’re also trending on Twitter right now. Would you like to have a guess as to  _ why _ ?” 

Felix tries to smile but he thinks he might look in pain instead, “Ha ha, yeah it turns out that jacket the stylist gave me was Chan hyung’s. Who would have thought right? He wants it back so if you could get it from my room then-” 

“Lee Felix, what is today’s date?” Hyunki’s voice is deadly calm. Felix glances at Chan but his face remains glued to the Vlive chat screen. A new song plays over the speaker but it’s only the next song in the Volta album, it’s as if it is on autoplay.

“January First.” 

“Right,” Hyunki takes a long breath out on the other end of the line, “And what happens on January First?” 

Felix wants to say ‘ _ Lots of things’  _ but as Chan slowly turns back to face him he sees the panic in his eyes. It isn’t a look Felix has seen before, it shakes him to the core as he watches the chat move at a record speed across the screen. Hyunki’s voice responds before Felix could give an answer.

“Dispatch released their  _ Couple of the Year.”  _

_ Oh.  _

Chan turns away from the screen to look at Felix, his face as pale as a ghost and his eyes flash with what must be genuine fear. He then turns to the green wall behind him and casually kicks a wifi extender out of its place along the wall. A blanket rests underneath it to make its fall soft and silent. Felix watches the chat slow until it reaches a sudden stop, a loading circle replacing the messages and the view count dropping from nearly two million to zero. 

The last fan message Felix sees on the screen makes his heart crack before the Vlive finally shuts down in full. 

‘If it’s true, we support you!’

And then it was gone. Felix can hear a distant voice over the phone say ‘it’s off’ and Hyunki tells him to come home before hanging up the phone. Chan turns back towards Felix and pulls him close, knees touching and hands resting on his thighs, “The wifi in here is bad, makes for good excuses to take an emergency break.” 

“It sure is an emergency,” Felix doesn’t look at Chan, he instead opens Twitter to see words like ‘Dispatch’ and ‘Chanlix’ trending just like Hyunki said they were. A picture of the two of them under a tree is under almost every post, Felix on top of Chan with bits of his recognisable orange hair peeking out everywhere. Chan’s phone vibrates over and over again from where it rests next to his laptop.

“Hey, you okay?” Chan uses the tips of his fingers to tip Felix’s head towards him, the gentle grip on his jaw was a comfort he didn’t realize he needed. 

“I’m okay.” 

“What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t know.”

The two of them sit there for a few moments, their phones continue to ping and chime before a JYP staff member arrives at the door and signals to them silently. Chan gives him a quick kiss before he gets up from the chair. The staff member whispers to him in a hushed tone and glances over his shoulder to peek at Felix. Chan looks like he's trying to sway and block his way. 

Felix looks down at his phone again and sees a photo of Chan and him wearing the same leather jacket. Another photo seems to be a night vision photo of them at the KBS show, the group hug they shared after the performance and Chan half carrying him off the stage in the pitch black darkness. They had even found a picture of Chan slipping a note into Felix’s back pocket all the way back at their first Music Bank show. 

Soon enough Chan is back at his side and brushing his bangs out of the way to kiss his forehead, “Management isn't ready to make a statement, so I’m not allowed to start the Vlive again.” Felix stands up when Chan pulls up on his sleeve and they hug tight in the quiet of the room, “I’m sorry, Felix.”

They pull apart and Felix’s mouth turns into a half smile, “You shouldn’t be sorry.”

“This is all too much drama so soon after your debut. I shouldn’t have done all that-”

Felix interrupts him with another kiss, his fingers interlocking behind Chan’s neck and pulling him closer. “I’m not sorry for anything anymore, I don’t regret anything. Neither should you.” Felix adds another kiss to solidify his feelings, the press he receives back making it mutual. 

When Felix pulls back they look at each other with matching smiles, “So… What now?” 

Chan’s nose scrunches, “I have a few posts to make about the Vlive, and then I’m supposed to go radio silent. Any orders for you?” 

Felix picks up his phone and finds that their group chat had exploded as well as multiple private messages from managers and friends asking him to explain. He also sees Jisung has added him to a new group chat titled ‘Not so Secret Secret Couples’ and Minho making an announcement to the chat with the picture of them under the tree.

Minho- We lost another today everyone

Jisung- ‘Fs’ in the chat for Chan and Felix

Soobin- f 

Yeonjun- Big F

Solar- lol f

Moonbyul- lmao0 Ayaaaa~

Lisa- F but cute :)

Rosé- (/◕ヮ◕)/

The message from his manager tells him to get back the company building as soon as possible. “I think I need to go.” 

Chan quirks a brow, “Do you  _ need _ to?” 

And wasn’t that the question of the day.  _ Did he?  _ Felix looks back down at his phone and sees more and more messages pop up from people he knows and people he doesn’t. Little notes of support and well wishes, idols he has never even met before were letting him know they have his back. Their group chat continues sending in all the Twitter memes while Hyunki tries his best to quell the chaos. It is too messy and too much to handle right now. It can wait. 

Felix holds down his power button and watches the ‘slide to power off’ button flash onto his screen. When he slides his finger across to turn it off the stress seems to wash away with it. All the pressure and anxiety is lifted from his shoulders and all that remains is the comforting presence of his best friend and his warm hands around his waist. Felix leaves the unwanted thoughts behind and looks to Chan with a new sense of freedom.

“I should, but I don’t want to.”

Chan pulls Felix impossibly closer and his hands scrunch into the sweatshirt at the small of his back. Their lips brush Felix can’t help but smile against his skin. He looks back at the door and sees the shade pulled down and the lock shut tight. The hot pit in Felix’s stomach grows and grows until it climbs it’s way up his throat and onto his tongue.

“I love you.” 

The words slip out but Felix doesn’t regret them. He feels Chan’s hands tighten around him. A soft declaration that tips the scale and brings their hearts crashing down into one another. Again and again Felix would whisper those words until he could finally come out and scream them to the world. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you,” Felix hears Chan say the words back, muffled against skin but clear enough to hear his breath to catch. It sends shivers down his spine, a welcomed chill replaced with the heat of hands on skin. 

When they finally draw together Felix closes his eyes and accepts a black void without the staff, media, or public to see. 

The world falls away and for once Felix doesn’t feel himself fall with it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions that are not yet answered let me know.
> 
> Thank you again to Lesamoreuxvi~
> 
> If you made it to the end, thank you for reading and please let me know what you thought about it?


	11. Authors Note + Extras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, if you read Stepping Away and wanted to know a little more about side characters or other elements of the story I wanted to share some of that here. 
> 
> This includes the story behind the story, Volta facts, fanart, and an extra snippet from when the two groups find out about Dispatch releasing Chanlix as the couple of the year.

The idea for this story stems from my own personal project about two fictional kpop groups. The original idea was for two characters like Hoshi (who goes by Tommy in the original) and Hyunki to be the main characters. Volta was originally a 7 member group and the second group, Veil4, was led by Hyunki and had 4 members. Obviously things had to be changed and Volta’s name took over Veil4 and then that transformed into Felix’s debut group. 

If I’m honest I wasn’t planning on using my original characters as much as I did, I’m not even one to like reading about original characters. The story ended up involving them a lot more than I thought haha, so I'm sorry if you weren’t a fan. There were a few people who were though! So for those people I did create a little list of facts about the four members of Volta!

‘Veil4’ was originally a 4 member group consisting of Min Hyunki, Choi Seojun, Kim Jiho and Yang Chul. For _Stepping Away_ I changed their group name to ‘Volta’ removed Chul and replaced him with Takara Hoshi and then of course added Lee Felix. 

Pertaining to Stepping Away, here are some facts about each of the 4 extra characters

(Felix was Felix, but in Volta he was a Main dancer, Lead rapper and Visual)

  
  


Min Hyunki

  * Leader, Main vocal (Baritone) Producer
  * Looks like a mix between TXT Soobin and NCT Xiaojun
  * His hair stays shades of brown and black for most comebacks
  * His style is simple, comfy, non-flashy clothing
  * 189 cm
  * Multilingual (Korean and English)
  * Comes of as intimidating to the media but is more of a teddy bear 
  * Grew up on a farm before becoming a trainee
  * Missing ring and pinky finger on his right hand (farm accident)
  * Never switched between companies before debut 
  * Plays the piano super well



Choi Seojun

  * Center, Main dancer, Lead Vocal, Sub Rapper
  * Looks like a mix between Ateez San and Yunho
  * Hair a little longer than Gods Menu Hyunjin and stays dyed light colors
  * 179 cm
  * No sense of style, but his wardrobe is foolproof and _expensive_
  * Awkward behind the scenes but really charismatic in public 
  * A perfectionist
  * Is on the autism spectrum and based off my younger brother
  * Grew up in the city and did a lot of back up dancing for other groups



Kim Jiho

  * Main Rapper, Visual, Producer
  * Looks like a mix of Seventeen’s Hoshi and BTS’s V
  * Hair is undercut with bowl cut and always dyed many different bright colors
  * 165 cm
  * Likes to wear street style black clothes with lots of covered skin
  * Doesn’t like media and is very quiet in public
  * Grumpy, shows affection through actions rather than words
  * Has anxiety, uses meditation and music to help him
  * Does not realize he is the visual
  * Passion for music and sometimes gets lost in his own little world 
  * Most definitely has a crush on Hoshi



Takara Hoshi

  * Maknae, Main Vocal, Main Dancer, Face of group
  * Looks like a mix of TXT Beomgyu and SKZ Jeongin 
  * Super curly hair that it usually very colorful
  * 170cm
  * Lots of colorful clothing and very experimental
  * Loves the media and is sent to all the variety shows
  * Multilingual (Japanese and Korean)
  * Very energetic and happy go lucky
  * Meditates with Jiho 
  * Might possibly have a crush on Jiho



Volta Group Facts

  * Fans are called ‘Sparks’
  * Lightsticks look like lightning bolts
  * From ‘Mixed Media Entertainment Company’
  * Debut song was titled ‘Aduro’
  * Age order - Hyunki, Seojun, Felix, Jiho, Hoshi
  * Felix was the middle member :’)
  * Their music sounds like AJR mixed with a TXT Crown type of debut
  * I based their debut stage concepts after BTS ‘Go Go’ (Felix wore V’s outfit)



Here is some fan art of my own characters to give you a little more of a visual? I also quickly sketched out Felix and Chan from Chapter 3 because love those outfits. ('Real Volta' does not appear in Stepping away except for Tommy, who was renamed Hoshi)

I'm not a digital artist at heart so please bear with me aaaaa

Extra Volta x SKZ Text Conversation (Chanlix revealed by Dispatch 2021)

**The Maknae is the Powerhouse of the Cell**

12 members in this group

Seungmin - https://twitter.com/soompi/status/1360793604290084871?s=20

_Hyunki questioned a message_

Changbin- omfg

Jisung- Fly high brothers 

Minho- Rip Chanlix

Hyunki - Is this real?

Seungmin- it’s real 

Changbin- They’re already trending

Hyunjin- They were trending before this came out

Jeongin- Hyunjin where is my sweatshirt

Seojun- Did the companies know?

Hyunki- Oh god they are on Vlive

Hoshi- Hyunki is calling Felix now

Seungmin- While they are live?

Jiho- Would you prefer they not know?

Changbin- I’m watching it now, the chat knows

Changbin- Chan is reading them

Changbin- Oh my god he cut the wifi

Jisung- THAT'S MY MOVE!!??!

Jisung- HE STOLE MY TRICK

Jisung- That’s my Vlive trick that dirty cheater

Hyunjin- I don’t have your sweatshirt

Jeongin- Then who does??

Hoshi- I might, is it the pink one?

Jeongin- ???

Jeongin- How and why do you have my sweatshirt?

Hoshi- Maknae on Top

Hyunki- Not the time

Jeongin- I want that back

Jiho- Are we still on for Mincraft tonight?

Seungmin- Yes

Jisung- ofc

Changbin- Yooh

Minho- Tonight we raid Itzy’s base

Seojun- We will not win.

Changbin- Says who?!

Seojun- Says me, the odds are not in our favor.

Hoshi- I can recruit the BigHit guys to help? What are our odds then?

Seojun- Ryujin is a force we can not contend with.

Hyunki- Guys

Hyunki- Not the time

Seojun- Half the fandom knew they were together anyway

Seojun- Dispatch making it ‘official’ is not a big revelation to anyone

Jisung- Our dating ban was almost up anyway ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Minho- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hyunki-....

Hoshi- KQ team says they’ll help raid Itzy if we give them our Totem of Undying

Minho- What no

Minho- We haven’t worked with Ateez ever since the incident 

Jiho- Suck it up Catboy, we can win with them on our team  
Jiho- I need this win to get back at Chaeryeong for hitting me with her ponytail

Seojun- Our odds are raised with San on our team

Changbin- Fine

Changbin- But if we win we get first pick on loot

Hyunki- Chan...

Hyunki- Felix?..  
Hyunki- Felix is going straight to voicemail

Jisung- MIA

Jisung- Probably a little //distracted//

Hyunjin- Ew

Jisung- Don’t ‘ew’ love

Minho- Hyunjin says ‘ew’ to everything

Hoshi- I think it’s cute, they are in loooove

Jiho- Does this mean we have to keep lining up our schedules?

Seungmin- Probably

Seungmin- Do you not want to?

Jiho- no I mean

Jiho- I like you guys

Jeongin- awww

Jisung- We like you too Jiho

Changbin- Jiho you big softy

Jiho- Don’t make it a thing

Jiho- I take it back!

Jiho- I am not a softy I’ll fight you all 

Jiho- Hello??

Jiho- Guys???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still confused about anything please let me know and I can clear anything up.  
> If you want to see a continuation of this story in a spinoff or one shot type deal stick around? It might take a while and I do want to write about other things but if you have ideas I'd love to hear what you thought of the story. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad there were people who liked it. 
> 
> Byeee~


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